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Handhold/Backside kick please!

(38 Posts)
Justbreaking Fri 19-May-17 22:13:05

So today it has become apparent my 18month relationship is over.
I'm being ignored, which is highly unusual, after an argument.
Basically he cheated for an extended period of time and was also EA at times. I put distance between us but we did get back together, and being utterly fair he at least appeared to be trying to change and being a decent person. However I've seriously struggled and maybe not given credit where it's due.
I had another go last night and it wasn't warranted because I was wrong, it did seem a strange situation, but proof shows on this occasion, I was wrong. Apart from one short conversation this morning I've been totally ignored.
I'm swinging from apologies to fuck you and I just need a to
A) write it all down and
B) have some support through the next few days of wanting to alternately beg him and kill him.
Right now I'm thinking screw you. You're probably doing this to punish me, and to go shag someone else and feel less guilty because you've told yourself I'm the arsehole.
Anyone else been there?
NC and sketchy details because I don't want this connected with my usual posting name.

Hotheadwheresthecoldbath Fri 19-May-17 23:54:13

So he's cheated and abused you and everything is your fault and now he's ignoring you and you seriously need advice about this 18 month,short relationship.Stay if you want more of the same because he is announcing what he is from the roof tops and will not change.

Justbreaking Sat 20-May-17 00:46:10

Yes. I know. I realise to other people 18 months is short, it is, but it's my longest significant relationship in 15 years, and the first time I've fallen in love for 15 years. I loved my dd's dad and it took a while to get over that relationship. I know he won't change, I did believe he was trying, I now in fact think it was pretty much an act. Leopards and spots.
I 'seriously' want advice on how I get through the next couple of days of what, if today is anything to go by, up and down emotions, and how I can stop feeling like it is my fault for believing that there was some good there, for believing in someone.
I just wanted some support from an area of a site that I thought offered that kind of support. Thanks for your answer.

pallasathena Sat 20-May-17 09:33:07

If it is over, then you need to maintain your dignity and end the relationship.
However, from what you say, you appear to be unsure of where you stand, how you feel, how he feels. Maybe its time to sit down together without any distractions and just talk.

JennyHolzersGhost Sat 20-May-17 09:47:28

If you are drawing a clear line and saying it's over then you just need to ride the heartache out I'm afraid. Be very strict with yourself about not dwelling on it - you'll find you get sucked into repetitive thought patterns and it's very tempting to indulge them and wallow but it won't help you with moving on.

JennyHolzersGhost Sat 20-May-17 09:47:59

When it gets too much and you desperately want to contact him come on here and have a rant instead !

FinallyHere Sat 20-May-17 09:52:03

Absolutely. Rant away here but in public, in front of 'him', just show how you deserve much, much better by preserving your own dignity. Show him that you deserve better, and in showing him you will show yourself too. All the very best and {{{{{{hugs}}}}}}

Justbreaking Sat 20-May-17 10:26:13

Palla - I wanted to, but he's totally ignoring every contact attempt I have made. This is unusual, even during our worst rows he'd answer me. This is just adding insult to injury as I'm feeling right now. When we lived together he used to 'leave then' and sit around the corner and then I'd just be frantic (away from any support due to work) and 'fall in line' and not question my suspicions or address his behavior. He knew this and used it.
I am unsure of everything tbh, mainly because he's totally shut me down. However this morning I'm thinking it's because he's obviously up to something. I don't want to feel like this, I want to hate him, to say fuck you after what you've done but right now I just want to cry, I feel utterly shit. Why the fuck did I put myself through this again?
I want to ask him why? Why me? Why beg and do all those things to just do this? Why make me believe you wanted to be different and not destroy your own and everyone else's life? Why do that to someone who loves you? Who was already vulnerable?

Thanks everyone for your replies, tears are here again. I feel such a fool!

nollaig16 Sat 20-May-17 10:40:14

Why are you trying to get into contact with someone who treated you like that. It's a lucky escape. Block him.

Naicehamshop Sat 20-May-17 10:55:32

I think the fact that he is totally ignoring any attempt that you are making to talk gives you your answer here. Either he has decided that it's all over, in which case you have to stay strong and ride out the sadness, or he is deliberately manipulating you in which case you need to totally ignore him in return imo.

Either way, you are better off without him by the sound of things.

Justbreaking Sat 20-May-17 12:09:27

I tried contacting him because in this isolated incidence, I was wrong. And because I genuine thought he was trying to change. His behaviour did change, he appeared to become more responsible, grow up a bit. I can see that it was an act because he's reverted to type.

Trying to stay strong, ride it out and keep telling myself I'm worth more. He targeted me I think, I was lonely and the patter and spoiling and appreciation felt so good. I'd never really had that and looking back it was pretty fake, but I saw what I wanted to see. His manipulation happened without me even realising how I got there.
The man I thought he was doesn't exist and I feel like an utter fool. And I doubt anyone else will be interested, they weren't for years before he came along.

Naicehamshop Sat 20-May-17 12:19:04

Stay strong, op. You sound like a good person. You will be better off without someone who is able to cheat as he has done in the past; the fact that you were wrong in this isolated incident has nothing to do with it - you've obviously put up with a pile of shit from him during your relationship. You will honestly be better off without him.

Justbreaking Sat 20-May-17 23:51:53

Thank you. I'm feeling a little less frantic. I'm exhausted so I'm hoping sleep will come my way tonight. Just don't know what to make of it all.
Part of me still wants to just make it all OK, and part wants to hide under a duvet and pretend it's not happening. The slightly louder voice though, is saying fuck him. And as you say naice, better off without him.

Guiltypleasures001 Sun 21-May-17 10:04:27

The thing is lovely it's not in your gift to "make it all right" who for exactly him? Why would he deserve that, and why would you want to do that.

Your making him sound like a special snowflake that needs guidance cause all of a sudden he might be innocent, well I suppose there could be a rare day when he is.

But all of this is just a bigger symptom of his previous behaviour towards you. Your basically trying to bash a square peg in to a round hole, it's not fitting and no amount of wishing on your part will ever make it.

Go through the emotions, accept it will hurt for a while, sometimes love isn't enough, and strive for better for yourself when you feel stronger 💐

Lovemusic33 Sun 21-May-17 10:42:16

I was in a similar relationship for a year, I loved him more than anyone else I had ever been with, he made me feel special but looking back now I can see how he had me exactly where he wanted me, when he cheated that was the final straw, it hurt and I'm still getting over it but it was the right thing to do. No one deserves to be with someone who treats you like that, someone who cheats and talks to you like a piece of crap. You deserve better x

FizzyGreenWater Sun 21-May-17 11:38:13

They never change, though. They really never do.

Justbreaking Sun 21-May-17 21:42:02

Thank you all for your words of encouragement.

Lovemusic - I'm sorry you had to go through this too, you're right, he did make me feel so special, said the right things, spoiled me etc, but looking closer now I've had a little space, I can see it was all a bit fake, like they say if something seems too good to be true it usually is.

I have had replies to my rantings messages, basically just denying cheating again. Addressing no other behavior. I wasn't strong enough to not be drawn, I was but, I haven't today, he ignored my last message and I haven't sent any more. I realise this is utter manipulation and I'm not going to go back down that road. My suspicion is he's holding out, and testing the water to see if I'll just roll over and beg him not to end it and not to leave me. I did this when we lived together away from everyone else with work, because I was terrified of being left there.
I'm trying really hard to not message him right now, to just leave it all now. Some irrational part of me though is wanting me to just do anything to not lose him, or rather not him but the fakery I fell in love with.

Lovemusic33 Sun 21-May-17 22:17:41

He's expecting you to back down and to beg him because it's happened before? My ex was totally shocked when I kicked him out, denied cheating until he was blue in the face even though I had read the messages on his phone arranging to have sex with other women and then the messages after they had sex. He would still be denying it now if I didn't have a injunction against him. It took me a while to realise that everything we had was fake, he bought me flowers, treated me like a princess but as soon as anything went wrong it was my fault.

Stay strong and don't contact him, your doing well xxx

Justbreaking Mon 22-May-17 01:57:33

Thank you - sounds like your ex is mines twin!
I'm really resenting the fact he's costing me sleep. Knowing he's off romancing another woman, and feeding her all his lines, probably the sob story about the 'crazy ex' and probably had an amazing weekend while I'm suffering.
It's not been all bad for me, I had a good day at work and a nice long walk after with the dog. Have deleted all conversations, and number. Can't seem to get shot of him totally on whatsaap but..... I'm not quite there yet. It's 24 hours since we last had contact - the longest time since our first date. I survived it, now for lots more of those.

Adora10 Mon 22-May-17 12:15:30

18 months and he's cheated and been emotionally abusive, no idea why you even care if you were wrong; you'd be crazy to get back together with him; no man is better than this crap.

Justbreaking Mon 22-May-17 14:05:57

I cared because I genuinely believe that people can change. I was pretty screwed up in my late teens through to my mid 20's and without the support of some people that could have turned away I don't know what would have become of me. I treated them badly, but they forgave if not forgot and I had their support.
I am starting to realise more now that I was naïve to think everyone wants to change, or that they care about how they've treated someone and want to not be that way any more. I did, but obviously he doesn't. He told me he wanted to be different, that he was sick of the way his life was and he realised that he didn't want to be that way any more. He modified his behavior, at least to me and must have learned even better ways of being a twat undetected.
My main feeling now is that I'm just a fool, that I put my faith in him without any good reason really if I'm honest, and I'm now paying the price. And red hot anger that he's got away scot free with all of it, again, and moved on to his next victim and I'm left with the fall out. I feel like I want to seek revenge, to let him deal with some shit. Because he won't take responsibility for his own actions I just want to make him pay! I won't though, I'm hoping he just leaves me alone now, I just want to get through this hard bit and get over it all.
Thanks for your posts all, answering and reading is making me see why and how this has all happened and hopefully give me some dickhead-dar for the future!

Justbreaking Wed 24-May-17 02:06:02

I'm feeling very low right now. I just out of nowhere got a massive pang. I miss him, the good parts, the fun, the cuddles, the fact that someone cared I got home OK.
And I hate myself for being so weak to feel this way. Why can't I just hate him for what he's done?

Anniegetyourgun Wed 24-May-17 05:39:36

Of course you miss the good bits. But the price was too high.

They do say that the opposite of love is not hate but indifference. Were you to hate him you would still be filling your mind with strong emotion about him. What needs to happen - and it really does take time, sadly - is to pull away from all this and spend your emotional energy on you and on anyone else who deserves your precious head space. You matter. The sneaky cheating guy doesn't.

Justbreaking Wed 24-May-17 11:17:27

Yes Annie, the price was too high. As hurt and upset as I am now it doesn't feel as frantic as when I was finding things out, as when he just shut me off because there's something better. I feel very sad today, I don't want to go backwards and back to all that, it's just a bit raw right now.
I've been getting out, doing more. Allowed myself some 'wallow' time every day but then said right, enough, do something else.
Thanks for your reply

Evilstepmum01 Wed 24-May-17 11:32:55

Been there and done that, my ex fully expected me to go begging until one day he hit our dog instead of me and that was it, I was out.
It does take time but be strong and get help if you need it. Counselling can help you get your self-esteem back.
Also, you do have someone to cuddle and is glad you come home safe....your dog!

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