Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Am I wrong to want to be loved?

(19 Posts)
MerryRealisation Fri 19-May-17 21:59:38

I don't think I've ever really been loved. Not by anybody. I want to be cherished and thought of and cared for.
I have lovely friends and I know they care for me but it's the unconditional love I'm talking about.
I'm probably being OTT but just feeling a bit lost at the moment.

RidingRossPoldark Fri 19-May-17 22:05:43

No you're not. Everybody deserves unconditional love but its difficult to find and not everyone is lucky enough to get it. I presume you are thinking of romantic love? What steps are you taking to find someone? Tell us more about your situation and maybe someone here will be able to help...

MerryRealisation Fri 19-May-17 22:12:07

Ah, I'm sadly talking about all types of love.
Very very difficult no contact relationship with my mother. She doesn't love me, I'm totally sure of that. My father probably does love me but he struggles to show it for many reasons.
I am actually in a 20 marriage. It's dead but I'm a bit stuck. I am making plans.
I realise now that I settled in my marriage based on my thoughts about what love is, based on my upbringing.
He's never made me feel special or wanted or even loved really. Not now I look back.
Most of the time I put a brave face on but tonight it's hard.

RidingRossPoldark Fri 19-May-17 22:21:52

Merry, a lot more people are in your situation than you realise. You can't choose your parents , that's done, not in your control. But you've identified that you've made a wrong decision ref your marriage and are taking steps to rectify this. This is a brave step in the right direction. See it through and open your life to other opportunities...you never know what might come your way! Never lose hope..

MerryRealisation Fri 19-May-17 22:31:27

Thank you Roses.

When I'm not being so self pitying then I know I will find someone else. I know, now, that I'm attractive and worthy. Not something I've ever been made to feel by those that should have loved me.

sheepashwap Fri 19-May-17 22:35:12

Hi OP I'm in a very similar situation. It was horrible to connect the dots and realise that I've never been truly loved or accepted for just being me.

But there's another side to it: I've never really loved or accepted myself. Not properly, because I had no idea what proper, unconditional love was.

I'm separating from DH and discovering that because of what I've been through - and I've had enough - I'm going to be totally honest about my life with new people who come in. If they can't accept me, or any aspect of my story, that's fine, but they're not someone I need to invest time in. It feels good although strange, to just say I have no more fucks to give. Ive accepted that I'm flawed, but so is everybody else so nothing different about that. So I'm liberating myself from having to fit some abstract mould.

And my sense is that the more I do this, the more chance there is I'll one day (although it's not the goal, more a byproduct) meet someone who can love all of me.

MerryRealisation Fri 19-May-17 22:43:40

Sheep, you're right. I haven't truly loved myself. I'm getting there on that front. For the first time I understand myself. For me, I now understand that I'm not as full of faults as I thought. That I can be loved.
That process has made me reassess and I need to move on. I just wish it didn't hurt so much at times.

pallasathena Sat 20-May-17 09:39:23

In my experience, people give the love they're capable of giving. So many people live lives either devoid of love or live lives where companionship, security, routine and familiarity are perceived as being the same as feelings of love.
I think you have to truly love yourself first before you can freely give others your love.
And sadly, so many people these days, don't love themselves very much.

MerryRealisation Sat 20-May-17 11:35:13

You're totally spot on there. My DH doesn't love himself. He had a difficult upbringing.
My parents have issues with love.
I realise I was replicating my relationship with them with my DH.
But I have changed immensely in the past 12 months. I realise I do love myself but need to feel loved also. I know now that I'm worthy of it. I have never felt that before. But now I do, oh boy!
I make a huge effort to make my DC feel loved. I will not let them grow up like me. And part of that is showing them a healthy relationship. But I can't make that move just yet. But consuming thought at the moment is wanting someone to just love me.

MerryRealisation Sat 20-May-17 19:44:10

Just bumping in case anyone else has any more pearls of wisdom?
Thank you very much to those of you who have replied already.

Forwardsforwards Sat 20-May-17 20:18:49

Merry I feel similar. Separated almost two years. The ache in my chest for sthg I don't feel I've ever had, has been palpable and strong.

I'm pretty content now, and as a PP mentioned, learning how to not give a shit and let go of the unworthies.

My marriage was a sham. He always made me feel uncomfortable. I still cant put my finger on it. However, I've stopped asking myself why and have now accepted it's over, done. (I'm the one who ended it)

I'm much more like my old self, giggly, focused (I know....) outgoing etc.

I can hold my head high. Love may come. However id rather be on my own than spend a minute with the wrong person.

I don't know what to advise, other than to say an predominantly unhappy marriage is devastating to be in. It strangles your soul and turns you inside out. So, take care of yourself..... OP

MerryRealisation Sat 20-May-17 21:22:35

Thank you forwards.
I'm never lonelier than when I'm sitting next to him. It's awful.

I've just sat and worked out a budget which leaves me just able to make it work. I want to cry really as this is the first time in forever we've reached a point of having fewer money worries. And just when I achieve that I'm going to throw it all away. sad

MoreFlowers Sat 20-May-17 22:06:35

I'm a bit confused OP. You are loved by your children. Or do you just mean by a man? Also, unconditional love is a myth. No-one loves unconditionally, its unhealthy.

MerryRealisation Sat 20-May-17 22:14:33

Flowers, I am loved by my children. I suppose it's another grown ups love that I crave at the moment. Just someone hugging me would be nice! But also knowing that there is someone I can turn to.

Forwardsforwards Sun 21-May-17 02:45:00

I understand OP. But, unconditional love is prob unhealthy.... in the sense that it appears to disregard idiocy and free will. I prefer acceptance. Like me for me, at least I think I do. I would be happy with someone who can comfortably tell me I'm being an idiot. And vice versa, I guess.
Who knows, tbh. We can keep wishing for the best eh xx

Wormulonian Sun 21-May-17 09:01:19

Merry I think cherish is the key word for me. I too have never felt truly cherished by another adult and that makes me really sad. I know because of my background that I am a total people pleaser and my mantra in life has been "gentle hand foremost". Everyday I try and do lots of little kindnesses for my loved ones and for random strangers. It doesn't come back - I am trying to put more boundaries in place and be a lot more "selfish".

Inside I guess I am still a little girl who wants to be told they are a great girl and get a loving, enfolding hug from mummy which is never going to happen. In my early twenties I did have a boyfriend who was very kind and loving, always thinking of nice things for me and he had a lovely family (unlike mine) and of course I couldn't cope with it and felt smothered . I wish the internet had been around then!

You know what you want now Merry and how to recognise it. I try to give myself a lot of self love and praise and think each day about the nice things (gratitude journal) I have experienced or achieved and not focus on what may be lacking.

MerryRealisation Sun 21-May-17 09:45:30

Worm, you have probably hit the nail on the head. Cherished is probably the word I'm looking for rather than loved. There is also the little girl who just wants an honest squidgy cuddle. I know I'm never going to get that and I'm still coming to terms with it.
I realise I'm a people pleaser far more than I like to think of myself. I seem to be constantly looking for praise. I do know this about me and I am working on it.
Life can just be so hard sometimes and that's when I just wish there was someone to hold me tight. I also know that I'm craving physical attention as living in a sexless marriage. I don't even remember when we last DTD!

Wormulonian Sun 21-May-17 10:09:55

I think the lack of intimacy really chips away at you. I think you are 100% right to start making plans to leave - don't be hard on yourself if you can't do it anytime soon but keep planning. Can you get some affection from your DC - give them a hug each day -I know it's not the same as a partner hug but it is still contact.

Life is hard flowers Take pleasure where you can

Beebeeeight Sun 21-May-17 10:38:58

I often feel like this too.

Dp isn't one for showing emotion.

Neither are my parents... or DCs.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now