Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Are we over?

(18 Posts)
Kellymc1988 Fri 19-May-17 21:50:16

Hi all, I recently posted about how my husband visited a lap dancing bar and paid for a private fully nude dance. Then deleted a message trail about this with his friend.I was so hurt, so upset. Even thinking about it now I'm still not over it.

Anyway, I agree to put it behind us, and move on- we have a one year old, and prior to this he's never set foot out of place before. I never doubted him.
Anyway, since then he's made zero efforts with me, it's like I'm a doormat, he didn't try to make it up to me, to try make me feel better (his incident really knocked my confidence esp. with baby belly still!)

In general, he's always been super thoughtless. I mean really bad. He has never planned a surprise, never taken me away anywhere or even planed a day/night. I do a heck of s lot for our family, and for him and pick up 75-80% of all the housework/chores/shopping etc etc Aswel as working a FT job as a senior manager. I feel like the pressure is always on me to provide financially, and to do everything else too.
An example of how shitty he can be: my card needed a servicing for months now and I've been swamped etc haven't done it. He has routinely scorned me for not doing this yet, and likes to tell me off and give me superior chats about looking after my own stuff (joke, like I don't cover most of his shit!) I snapped at the weekend and asked if he was so bothered why he hadn't acted like a decent husband and done it for me? He is thoughtless, and will take any opportunity to parade his wisdom over me. Last week he told me the shower water was running hot, and I stupidly stepped under too quickly scalding my bare chest, and I mean badly, his response 'you're own fault, I told you it was hot'. Yes, you did, my bad! Just such a prick sometimes!!
He's always been like this and every few years I've lost my temper with him and said I hate the way he speaks down to me, he agrees to stop and then it goes back to how it was again. I'm always treated like a second class citizen, an idiot, useless.
I feel totally fed up, like unappreciated, unloved. I see all my close friends been treated well by their partners: trips away, little surprises, nice gestures.

Sad thing is, dispite all this, he's a fantastic father- truly phenomenal and i do love him. But I feel like I don't know who I am
Anymore, I feel like a shell of the person I used to be, and I love my life in worry of his reactions to things, I hide things because I know he won't approve/be happy. I avoid telling him things because he's always pessimistic.
I just don't know what more to do?

Ellisandra Fri 19-May-17 21:55:04

Dump him.
Let him be a phenomenal father in his contact time.
And go see a therapist to work out why you think you love a man who treats you like shit.

RidingRossPoldark Fri 19-May-17 22:00:32

Yes, it's over, if you want the things you say your friends have but you don't because this chap is not going to give them to you and I think you know that. So two options. Stay with him and let him be a great dad but crap husband and accept your relationship for what it is. Or, kick him out. Really sorry you are in this situation. Hope you find the strength to do what's right for you.

thethoughtfox Fri 19-May-17 22:34:48

MN has made me think a lot about this:he's not a good dad if he disrespects the mother or if he doesn't share responsibility at home.

thethoughtfox Fri 19-May-17 22:36:25

We could all be ' truly phenomenal' parents of someone else did 75-80% of all the housework/chores/shopping as well as hold down a full time job. You, you are doing all this.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Fri 19-May-17 22:37:51

He isn't a good df if he is making their dm feel like shit. .
Not respecting you is not a good environment for them to be in.

SandyY2K Fri 19-May-17 22:55:40

You say you love him but do you think he loves you?

Sometimes one sided love isn't enough to hold a relationship together.

I'm not suggesting you pack your bags, but I would start focusing on myself and the baby. Invest in you and start preparing for a single life.

If you can find individual time to do something you enjoy, let him be dad of the year and make your health and well-being a priority.

If you tell yourself, you're getting ready to move on to then his behaviour will affect you less and less, because he won't matter as much.

He knows he's treating you like crap and as you accept it, he sees no reason to stop.

When you gain strength and confidence, leaving him will be much easier.

You don't even need to argue about it. A simple discussion in a calm voice will suffice... where you let him know you haven't been happy with things lately and it's not the relationship you will remain in.

Joysmum Fri 19-May-17 23:06:53

No it's not over.

For that to happen you'd need to call time so until you do that you'll get more of the same.

user1486956786 Sat 20-May-17 01:34:51

It really bothers me that he was caught stuffing up and he's not even making an effort to repair the damage he's caused. To me that shows how little he cares.

Had he done that and been caught and devastated and remorseful I would say it's worth giving it a crack considering you have a young child.

You sound like you are basically single anyways, working full time with a one year old. I honestly recommend a trial separation? His last chance to realise what he has got to lose and may push him to make changes.

TheStoic Sat 20-May-17 04:08:28

He paid another woman to dance on him naked, and you didn't leave. He now knows he can treat you however he likes.

mummytime Sat 20-May-17 04:57:51

Sorry but LTB
He is not a phenomenal Dad. He doesn't care about your DC's mother.
Why do you rate his parenting so much? Does he change nappies? Feed the child? Do Baths? Play nicely? Can care for them for several days?
What about: financial support? Organising Doctors appointments? Financial support?

Separate and then you have a chance to show your DC what self respect looks like. He can be "wonderful" on his own time.

You might want to get counselling to explore why your self worth is so low.

Ellisandra Sat 20-May-17 09:09:24

I found myself thinking about this thread again this morning.

It's the phrase "truly phenomenal".
I just can't help but think that only means you are "truly phenomenally blinkered".

Your child is less than 2.
There simply isn't the opportunity to be "truly phenomenal". (SN aside)

I love my child to bits. I worked hard at being a mother - looked up ideas on the internet, really thought about what I was doing, how to do things well. At the age of your son, I was still up 6x a night on top of working full time because I believed that BF and comfort in demand was important. I took a year off work despite financial loss. I went to endless baby classes because I thought they would help her. I really thought about the food I gave her, my weaning approach. She was never left in a wet nappy.

All of that...?
That was normal parenting.
Nowt special.

So - what's he doing that's so phenomenal? hmm

Aquamarine1029 Sat 20-May-17 17:42:10

I must admit that I'm confused as to how you can love someone who treats you SO poorly. What is there to love? Don't you believe you deserve more than an inconsiderate twat of a husband?

Kellymc1988 Sat 20-May-17 19:38:21

We've been together nearly a decade, I feel like I have no clue who I am without him, or what I'd do without him either.
When I had my baby I really, really struggled. I battled with a lot initially, and he was brilliant, he took on a lot of responsibility and took care of our son.
Other things I consider is his upbringing: he comes from a nice family, traditional, but very cold. His dad doesn't show affection, (nor does his mum to be fair!) and they don't do lovely things for each other so part of me thinks it just doesn't occur to him.
I'm not trying to make excuses for him, I just think sometimes it's actually my own fault because you can't change people and he's always been like this. He is fine with me me of the time, but he can speak to me like utter shit, he can talk down to me and oftentimes just shoots down my ideas or plans.

GoatsFeet Sat 20-May-17 20:03:20

Can you tell us why you married him? Because I'm finding it hard to see the attraction.

Unless you're so lacking in personality and brain power that you'd rather be with any man than be on your own. And if you're a "senior manager" you're clearly not lacking in personality and brain power.

A person who is borderline abusive to his wife is not a phenomenal parent. No way.

Ellisandra Sat 20-May-17 20:13:22

That's not phenomenal love, that's normal.

mummytime Sun 21-May-17 07:25:30

When I had my baby I really, really struggled. I battled with a lot initially, and he was brilliant, he took on a lot of responsibility and took care of our son.
That is called "being a parent".
My husband often came home from a long day at a demanding job, and took over to allow me to unfrazzle. Life with a small baby is hard, but the father doing their part is not phenomenal parenting.
Rather than looking at his parents for excuses for him (and they sound unhealthy). Look at your own upbringing and think about why you put up with this.
Did/do you have PND? He probably isn't helping.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 21-May-17 08:04:14


What do you get out of this relationship now, what is in this for you?
Something has and still keeps you within this so what is it?.

re your comment:-
"We've been together nearly a decade, I feel like I have no clue who I am without him, or what I'd do without him either"

So you've invested a decade into him; its not a reason to keep on keeping on with him. All the above sounds like the sunken costs fallacy and that simply causes you to keep on making poor relationship decisions. I also think you'd do just fine and dandy without his presence day to day.

We learn about relationships first and foremost from our parents.
What did you learn about relationships when growing up, what sort of an example did your parents set you?. Your H was also shown a pretty crap example as well. He is no father to his child, phenomenal (now why did you use that word at all to describe him?) or otherwise, because he treats you as this child's mother with utter contempt. Sadly you still continue to let him. You do realise of course that such men like your H do not change.

Why is your bar so very low here and why are you together at all now?.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: