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I can't be bothered

(48 Posts)
Disappointednomore Fri 19-May-17 20:37:01

XH has moved 400 miles away. Is seeing DD less and less and now it's just the school holidays. I keep saying to him it's not enough and that he should find a way to see her at least once a month, but he gives excuses and clearly isn't bothered. He's now saying that he'd like her to do flights alone accompanied by an air steward/ess. Now, his drive to the airport to collect her would be 10 minutes. The departure airport is 60/90 minutes drive or train. I asked him who would be doing the 2 x 2 hour round trips to facilitate this and he replied that this should be taken in the context of more frequent contact (because that's what I have been pressing him for). Now, initially when he left I was rabid (internally) at the thought that he had awarded himself a child-free life but now I've got used to it and just kind of think of her time with him as "respite care" for me. He has always loved to get a rise out of me so since he left I am very careful to not give him satisfaction in this regard. So far I have not responded since he replied to my question. One response I'm considering is "nah can't be bothered" - mainly because it will really shock him because he knows it really hurts me how little he's seeing her and so far I've facilitated his contact to my own detriment (I go out of my way, he is still rude and surly) and it's all on his terms. I'm working and running the home and bringing her up alone and it seems like a cheek to impose this on me. Can I ask you what you think?

RidingRossPoldark Fri 19-May-17 21:47:02

How old is your DD and how does she feel about this? Does she want to see her dad? You both need to consider the child at the centre of this, not your petty squabbles. 'Nah can't be bothered' is playing games, not thinking of the child. Do what is best for her.

Having said that, a father who moves 400 miles away and has to be pestered to keep contact with his own child would not be a big loss to your DD

RandomMess Fri 19-May-17 21:49:21

How old is DD and how bothered is she about seeing her Dad?

Ellisandra Fri 19-May-17 21:59:36

If she wants to go and you consider her old enough, then reply "OK, she's happy with the idea of a flight - you'll need to call ABC TAXI on <number> to set up an account for the taxi fares to/from airport".

thethoughtfox Fri 19-May-17 22:45:37

The partner who moves away is responsible for travelling to the child or travelling to make the child available to the other parent, I believe.

Disappointednomore Fri 19-May-17 23:25:16

Child is 7. I don't consider it a petty squabble since I have been pleading with him to have contact with her.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Sat 20-May-17 07:29:30

My children's father moved to a different country when we split up - they had to fly from a major London airport to see him - a 2 hr round trip for me plus expensive parking costs.
I travelled with them the first couple of times as the youngest was scared to go without me - I stayed with mutual friends and they stayed with their Dad.
Then when they were old enough to fly themselves I did the round trips and expensive parking costs both to deliver them and collect them.
Personally I would do it - my two are teenagers now and completely not bothered either way whether they go or not but for years I facilitated these trips and I'm so glad I did. They're appreciative of the lengths I went to ensure their relationship with their father was maintained.

Trollspoopglitter Sat 20-May-17 07:33:58

I'd tell him you're happy to drive 4 hours if he is happy to take a round trip flight to come get the child himself. No way would I be shipping a 7 year old on a flight by herself because her Dad can't be arsed (as opposed to a genuine need).

Smellbellina Sat 20-May-17 07:37:24

I wouldn't.
How does she feel about it? Is she ok with the idea of flying on her own?

NotHotDogMum Sat 20-May-17 07:45:36

Your post only refers to your feelings and your battle with ex, you need to put her first regardless of how much he gets to you.

Having said that, he's moved 400 miles away so clearly does not value his relationship with her at all, does she need a crap father like this in her life at all?

Disappointednomore Sat 20-May-17 08:27:56

That's food for thought. Thank you for your responses. My post does refer to my own feelings more than my daughter's. There are two elements at play - my need to vent to other adults at what I see as another example of his continuing selfishness, and the more important one of what it means for my daughter. I have suggested many times that he come to our home city, stay in an Airbnb and see her there (he even has friends willing to lend him an apartment for free) but he does not want to do that as he wants her to be in his new home with him and OW. I have put up no objection to her visiting there and she has several times. I just don't see why all the contact has to be everyone else running around whilst he does nothing.

AlternativeTentacle Sat 20-May-17 08:31:43

that this should be taken in the context of more frequent contact

If he really did send this to you...

'Yes that sounds great, let me know which taxi firm you are sorting out and times etc and I'll make sure she is ready. After all she is 17 not 7. Oh, hang on a minute...'

Disappointednomore Sat 20-May-17 09:10:58

Alternativetentacle Ive just re-read his text and I've evidently mentally paraphrased it. What he actually said was: "Well you have to weigh that against it enabling her to come up on any Friday and return on the following Sunday as the flight is only a hour." I don't see why he can't make that hour's flight rather than dragging the poor kid all that way and adding another task to my already overloaded week.

LineysRun Sat 20-May-17 09:21:25

I don't think it's in your daughter's best interests to do that travelling on her own at 7, especially over a single weekend. There's a lot more to an hour's flight that the actual flight, and the difficult lonely logistics are largely at your end. She's so young.

He should travel to see his daughter till she is, say, 11. I think that's reasonable.

Don't say you can't be bothered. Say it's not logistically possible or in your daughter's best interests as she's too young. Don't argue. Just say it and repeat.

Whocansay Sat 20-May-17 09:44:39

I wouldn't let a 7 year old fly alone. No way. And he's an idiot for suggesting it.

I wouldn't force contact either. He doesn't exactly sound enthusiastic. I think he just likes to mess with you.

crazykitten20 Sat 20-May-17 09:58:15

No way should she fly alone. That's non negotiable imo

LineysRun Sat 20-May-17 09:58:28

Just a word of warning - my SiL had an ExH like this. A twat with a wind-up agenda. She missed a trick early on, when she should have repeated ad nauseam: they're too young; the logistics are unreasonable; you moved, it's your responsibility to visit; and for good measure, I think she should have thrown in Anyway I may have to sell the car soon because it costs too much to run.

But she got snippy and emailed something that made her look unreasonable and cavalier. And so he enjoyed taking her to court, just because he could. The judge made a court order which involved her spending huge chunks of every other weekend (and money) driving up and down the country, to a half-way meet-up point, till they were young teens.

AhYerWill Sat 20-May-17 10:05:33

Is he just saying this so that he can give it the 'well I tried, but she's just so unreasonable, it's not my fault I never see my daughter' spiel? If so I'd be inclined to agree on the proviso he do the journey with her for the first 3 trips so she can get familiar with the trip. Obviously that would entail him flying down and then back on both legs of her journey. After the trial runs, you can see if your dd is happy to go it alone - if not he has the option to carry on flying to meet her. If she is, I think you need to prioritise her feelings here. Chances are though that he'll decide it's not such a good idea as soon as it inconveniences him slightly.

Penfold007 Sat 20-May-17 10:17:02

Most airlines don't allow unaccompanied minors to fly and those that do charge extra. A seven year would not be allowed to fly without a responsible person. OP sadly you can't make him parent.

PickAChew Sat 20-May-17 10:21:29

Don't tell him you can't be bothered. Tell him not to be so fucking lazy and stupid.

Disappointednomore Sat 20-May-17 10:22:31

Lineysrun that's great advice and a good insight. This is one of the reasons that whenever I'm tempted to reply I simply don't. It felt good saying it in my head but he really does have a wind-up agenda and I can't afford to engage with that.
I do also wonder if there's something of the "well I tried" business at play. It's sad though as she does live and miss him. I've been wondering whether to offer to pay for him to visit but I don't think it's about that, I think it's about time and effort.

Disappointednomore Sat 20-May-17 10:24:27

*love not live

NotHotDogMum Sat 20-May-17 11:14:32

Your ex seems to be under the impression that everybody else needs to jump through hoops to enable DD to see him (when it was him who moved away)

This is his last area of control over you (and your eagerness for him to see DD is a way for him to affect you) don't react to this.

There are fathers out there fighting to see their kids, he just doesn't seem bothered. He's a bit shit really.

numbmum83 Sat 20-May-17 11:20:08

Would a 7 year old really be able to fly alone ??? What happens if there's a crash ? Other passengers have to help your DD ? I wouldn't like to trust other people on a plane with my childs life .

junebirthdaygirl Sat 20-May-17 11:20:46

Is there a gp who would fly up with her. No way would l let a 7 year old fly alone. Poor mite. Just keep saying she is too young. Dont get into any discussion..If he desperately wants to see her he will fly down. Any reasonable person would see thats best for her.

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