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How do you actually go non contact?

(9 Posts)
namechange567 Fri 19-May-17 15:52:25

Following on from my previous thread ( and many other issues) I know now is the right time but I just don't know 'how'

I part of me actually feels guilty. We live in a small area where everyone knows each other's business and I live 2 minutes away from all of my family.

I know if I just stop engaging they will start turning up and I really don't want that.

I know they will emotionally black mail me with the kids and I dont think I'm strong enough not to cave in. But I know poor dd will be interrogated everytime they saw her and I can't let them ultimately affect her like they have me.

I've got a uni place and was going to travel, now I'm thinking moving may be an option but then I'm kinda just running away from the problem arnt I?

What the hell do I do? Do I text them and tell them what I'm doing and why and ask them to basically leave us alone?

I care to much about what people think so finding the whole thing quite draining.

LipSparkle Fri 19-May-17 16:13:26

Moving away isn't necessarily running away. If you have considered that it is ultimately in your best interest, then do it. It is an informed choice.

You could go no contact in many different ways. If you've already tried to address the reasons for wanting to go NC and it made no difference, then I don't see what good will come of telling them now.

I can't tell, from what you've written, what the right thing to do in your situation is, but I wonder if a phased approach might be worth considering. Just gradually withdraw contact. Start forming some boundaries of types of contact you want to cut, so maybe be unavailable for most of the visits, only answer texts that absolutely require it. Stop answering all calls etc (if you've already tried to address the reasons that you are now considering NC for, feel free to tell them white lies about it - make the lies really boring e.g. poor reception/phone issues, taking extra shifts, friend in need of extra support, whatever works in your situation. No one likes being told they are the problem so I feel totally comfortable with making something up that's plausible to get round that). From what you've described, a more gradual withdrawal of contact might make for less drama. But ultimately only you can know what is in your best interests and that of your daughter.

SafeToCross Fri 19-May-17 16:14:26

I don't know either, but I do think it is important to consider what your preferences are for different scenarios eg would you want to be told if someone was ill? If they died? Invited to the funeral?

It sounds like they will make it hard for you. You could just minimise contact? Stop answering their calls, block numbers and social media, answer the door but repeat a stock phrase like I am busy at the moment, please don't call back. And give your daughter skills to do similar. You would have to be really clear with her about your choice to minimise contact and your reasons. You should not have to move, but undoubtably it would make it easier if they are prone to scenes and emotional blackmail.

RatherBeRiding Fri 19-May-17 16:18:23

Moving away is not running away. It's leaving. Leaving with your sanity intact. It's making a fresh start in a new place.

I wouldn't tell them what you are planning on doing - too much opportunity for too much drama/emotional blackmail/general nastiness before you can get away on that fresh start to a new life.

Get a plan in place and just go. Don't tell them your new address. Block on phone and email. Or get a new phone number and set up a new email address. Come off all social media.

Or if that sounds too drastic, try the approach LipSparkle suggests. Then if that doesn't work, you always have the drastic approach to fall back on.

namechange567 Fri 19-May-17 16:32:27

I deleted my social media a few days ago in preparation, if I don't respond to a text I would then get a copy and pasted message repeatedly on Facebook etc until I replied.

Funerals aren't an issue I've been told for years now I'm not allowed to my mams funeral.

My dad was always the mediator ( and the only family member I considered myself close to) but since I chose to be with a black man that's now all broke down - and I still haven't had the heart to tell dp incase he thinks it's all his fault I'm losing my family when really it's years of blackmail and emotional abuse, their racism has just been a catalyst.

I know it won't go smoothly I just want as much disruption as possible I guess. Ive just had enough of feeling like a trapped child when I'm almost 30.

Dd is 8 so not at an easy age and I don't want her to feel like she's getting me into trouble. Ds rarely goes to theirs as he's at his dad's when dd chooses to go to my parents ( which is getting less frequent of her own choosing as she says she gets asked lots of questions)

RatherBeRiding Fri 19-May-17 17:06:21

You're not allowed to your mother's funeral?? Wow. They are not nice, are they?

You know you and your DP and your children will be better off without this toxicity in your lives - but years and years of conditioning have left you vulnerable to, as you put it, "caving in" to their demands.

NC will lift the weight from your shoulders. If they don't know how to contact you, you will be free from the guilt, the anxiety, the feeling of never being good enough.......

Just keep that thought in mind as you decide how best to proceed.

SexNamesRFab Fri 19-May-17 20:01:28

I'm intrigued as to why you wouldn't move closer to your uni place? What's keeping you where you are?

namechange567 Fri 19-May-17 20:42:49

Mainly because I didn't want to change the kids' school and because a lot of time is placement and there are two good local hospitals so placement distance would be better.

I guess not having to give notice and find a deposit etc was a bonus as well as I'm currently in cheap social housing since my marriage break down a few years ago.

Rather, she is delightful honestly - the not being allowed to her funeral is one of her less harsh comments. I started thinking it was all normal until people in rl would comment on her behaviour toward me.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Fri 19-May-17 20:48:51

I moved away. Best decision ever. The ones that stayed got broken.

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