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Been dicked around. Again.

(34 Posts)
QueenMortificado Fri 19-May-17 10:18:38

I was in a relationship for about 5 years which ended mid last year. It was a really hard break up but I wanted to get married and have children and he didn't, so we went our seperate ways. I am so glad to have been strong and not settled for something that wouldn't have worked out long term but it took me a fucking long time to get over it.

A few months ago I met someone from work in an overseas office. We spent a few days together and really like each other, then we spent weeks chatting back and forth and decided we were going to try and work out giving it a go. Because of my previous relationship I was open about what I wanted going forward, and he has a young son from a previous relationship and so was honest about what he wanted too (more children etc). I felt like it was a really positive conversation to both be up front about what we wanted longer term (not necessarily with each other, just life goals) so we were both on the same page. I went over there for a week and it was truly incredible, we had so much fun, spent the whole time having such a lovely time in each other's company. We spoke about how we could make it work longer term, how we had fallen in love with each other etc etc. All good.

When I returned home it was just as nice for a while, then the conversation starting petering out. He was really busy with work, or spending time with his son etc. Then, he called me one day and said he needed some time to work things out with work and his ex wife was moving to a different part of the country so he needed to know where so he could work out custody and seeing his son etc. I was fairly understanding and said fine, take the time, do what you need to do.

A few days later we spoke again and he said the situation was the same but how much he missed me etc. Fast forward one week and I haven't heard a bean. He hasn't even been on whatsapp to pick up the one message I've sent him.

I can only assume that he made grand plans and gestures that he felt, but when other life stress came on he realised that this long distance thing was one thing too many. I reckon that as time went on it became more difficult to talk to me and to end it so he's taken the cowards way out of ghosting me.

Note - I have no reason at all to think he is secretly married or anything like that.

I just don't know what to do. It really hurts at being messed around again especially when he had said so many nice things to me and made such plans for the future. I want to send him an email that details how I feel and how he's made me feel by being ghosted, and to say that I'm better than this (paraphrasing) basically. I feel like there is no closure this way. And I want to know why this has happened.

Mostly though I'm just tired of dating. Having such a tough break up then meeting someone, falling in love with them, finding it so easy and trusting them just for them to stamp on my heart again is so hard.

Any words of wisdom or hugs please? Please go easy, I'm feeling very fragile about this just now

QueenMortificado Fri 19-May-17 10:54:07

Anyone?

Picklepickle123 Fri 19-May-17 11:05:07

That sounds rubbish, I'm so sorry you're feeling down.

I don't want to be harsh, but just because a guy has agreed he wants the same things in life as you doesn't mean that he wants those things WITH you. IMO, he's tried to be honest with you from the beginning, and continues to do so, by telling you about his family situation. As someone he has only known a few months/weeks, it's a little much to be expecting him to prioritise you over his DS.

It probably feels like a real kick in the teeth considering your previous relationship, but this is best for you in the long run - I promise! You found a really great guy, but he wasn't the one for you... There's nothing to say that you won't find the great guy who is going to make you so very happy in the future. It just takes a little time sometimes. Lots of hugs flowers

TheStoic Fri 19-May-17 11:06:34

It must be very painful, OP. It's so frustrating when we are open and honest, and don't get the same in return.

All relationships are risky. The more you open up, the more vulnerable you are.

Lick your wounds and do things, small things, that bring you comfort.

Personally I would not contact him. He knows he's treated you badly. He won't be honest, but the simple fact is that he changed his mind. :-(

QueenMortificado Fri 19-May-17 11:10:50

Thank you for your responses. And I realise I wasn't clear - as time went on, he would say amazing nice things to me - I was the best thing that had ever happened to him, he could see himself having children with me etc etc.

I always told him that his son came first over me, and if it didn't work for him it didn't work for us. I had no desire to be put above his son and that wouldn't be fair.

I just want some closure. Being ghosted without any explanation is horrible.

TheStoic Fri 19-May-17 11:13:03

What explanation would make you feel better?

whatsmyname2017 Fri 19-May-17 11:13:07

Big hugs to you OP. You must feel so lost and hurt at the moment. My advice also be not to contact him. Give him space for now because the very worst thing you could do is put more pressure on him.
If he genuinely feel the same as you do, he will be back in touch. Maybe its for the best if its a long distance relationship. Sometimes they can be great (because of the distance) but then the actual reality is a whole different story.
There is nothing more frustrating and hurtful to have no closure and to not understand why someone has ceased contact. Its a very cowardly way to behave so maybe its best you find out the type of man he really is. A decent bloke would have been honest.

QueenMortificado Fri 19-May-17 11:22:11

What explanation would make you feel better?

Anything. Literally any conversation on the phone to tell me it's over. Rather than going silent and me having wondered day by day if that's the day I'd hear from him or how long I should wait before giving up on it

TheStoic Fri 19-May-17 11:24:21

If it's literally 'anything', then you can give yourself that closure.

I'm not being flippant. You can choose what meaning to give it. You don't need him to give it to you.

RockyBird Fri 19-May-17 11:26:37

Being ghosted is hideous.

He's a coward. You don't want kids and a future with a spineless git eh?

WaitingYetAgain Fri 19-May-17 11:43:31

I totally understand where you are coming from. I literally could have written bits of your post. I think it really stings if you want children and are trying to find someone with whom you could settle down and make that happen.

This bit especially resonates with me:
Mostly though I'm just tired of dating. Having such a tough break up then meeting someone, falling in love with them, finding it so easy and trusting them just for them to stamp on my heart again is so hard.

It is absolutely heart breaking, isn't it?

I am not sure what the best course of action is. I would tend to think it is better to not contact him and wait to see if you hear from him (as PP said, if he is genuinely into you, he will contact you at some point), but in the meantime, I'd do whatever I felt like about looking at other guys, dating etc if I wanted to. He has not made a big enough commitment to you to to have exclusivity, so he can't complain if he does come back to you and you've been having some fun in the meantime checking out what else is on offer, so to speak. You could put a deadline in your mind. So what's reasonable to you to wait - perhaps a couple of weeks?

The thing that I personally think is difficult and unpleasant in these situations is the lack of closure and the feeling of hanging on because you don't know if it has ended or not. So if you feel like that, take your power back! If you are not happy, don't hang on, make your own closure (i.e thanks but no thanks) and do whatever you need to do in order to take care of yourself. He is thinking of himself at this moment.

QueenMortificado Fri 19-May-17 12:03:05

Thank you all. Yes it is heartbreaking.

Of course it's better I know what kind of man he is now. A liar and a coward and someone who treats people with no respect. But it's just such a surprise to have gone from worship and adoration and feeling so loved and secure to nothing so quickly.

No I don't want to be with someone like that. I want to be with someone who wants what I want and is just a lovely genuine person.

I also wonder why I always seem to attract the same kind of guys. How can I get away from attracting these kind of guys who are lovely initially then douchebags.

hmmmum Fri 19-May-17 12:14:18

I think ghosting is such an awful thing to do. He could have broken up with you properly, just told you it's not working for him. That would be the brave and respectful thing to do.
It could well be that he kept meaning to do that, but time went on, life got complicated, and now he feels too awkward getting in touch and concludes you'll have gotten the message anyway.
I agree you need to create your own meaning. The relationship ended because for whatever reason, he decided it wasn't for him anymore. The way he went about handling that was crappy and puts you off him /lowers your opinion of him.
If you got in touch at all with him I'd say something like, "what hurts more than our break up is the fact that you didn't even break up with me properly. Just want to say goodbye now and wish you all the best."
It seem pretty hard to find somebody. I really hope you do and that your heart heals from this flowers

PinkFluff2 Fri 19-May-17 12:17:40

I think ghosting is the worst possible way of ending things. It happened to me last year and honestly I still think about it to this day. Having no explanation was so awful, especially when things have been so good and you think you are both on the same page.

I agree that ANY conversation to say it's over is better than being ghosted. Absolutely anything is better than that, even if what they say is horrible.

I wouldn't contact him though. When it happened to me I didn't contact the guy again, I felt like I kept more dignity that way.

I hope you feel better soon.

HotNatured Fri 19-May-17 12:27:32

Feel for you, OP, you've had the rug pulled from beneath you and it hurts like fuck.

Don't email him spilling your heart out, he will know how much you are hurting and it will just weaken you.

I have been ghosted once before, it was v painful and v confusing, as like your guy, he seemed v into me and v invested in the future and I felt v secure. And then nothing, nada, zilch. It was all v sudden and v confusing. However, the one thing that I did and I'm so relieved that I did it.... was nothing at all. My pride and integrity are everything to me, I'm so glad I walked away with my head held high. My thoughts were 'fuck him, his loss' He tried to call me a few months later. I just ignored the call.

Anyone who treats another human being with such contempt and disrespect is not someone I waste time on, and if it happens again, which it could do in the flaky world of dating we now exist in, I would walk away again.

I would do the same if I were you. Delete his number and Facebook friendships with him, etc. Taking control will really help with the grieving process.

flowers

WaitingYetAgain Fri 19-May-17 12:30:56

I also wonder why I always seem to attract the same kind of guys. How can I get away from attracting these kind of guys who are lovely initially then douchebags.

I think there are a lot of them about. confused Also, and this is just my opinion, I have met/noticed a lot of men who are scared to commit. They make all the right noises, but at some point you realise their actions don't match their words. This seems to be especially true of the are range I'm looking at (33-41-ish). Either they are commitment-phobes or they have such complicated lives due to previous relationships/children that it makes it almost too complicated.

ParmaViolets17 Fri 19-May-17 12:43:11

Agree with PP that you shouldn't contact him. Give yourself closure.

Write him a letter telling him what you want to say, DON'T send it, then actively choose to end it with him. Take back control.

I was ghosted by someone I was with for almost three years. He moved away temporarily for work and i never heard from him again. (That was 15 years ago - maybe we're actually still together!? hmm)

And apologies if I'm way off here, but I wonder if you're still grieving for your last relationship, which is making this even more painful. You said you broke up mid last year - so @11 months ago? - and that it took a 'fucking long time' to get over it. But you met this guy only 6 or 7 months later? Of course you know yourself and whether you were completely over it - but I know when I've gone into something new without being fully over a previous relationship, the shock, grief and anger are harder when that second one ends.

You sound very strong. Be kind to yourself.

QueenMortificado Fri 19-May-17 12:54:45

It could well be that he kept meaning to do that, but time went on, life got complicated, and now he feels too awkward getting in touch and concludes you'll have gotten the message anyway.

This is exactly exactly I reckon is what he would say.

Thank you all for your kind words. Yes I think some part of it is that meeting this guy showed me that there was hope and love available after the previous break up. It was about 7 months after that break up that I met this guy and it really helped me to see that I wouldn't be single forever.

What I've taken from that though is that I thought I'd never get over it, and I did. So I know I will get over this one too. Just a bit of disbelief that he's done this to me.

I have a date set up with someone for mid-next week who I've met on a dating app. It might not go anywhere but I definitely feel like I need to move on and start meeting other people / making myself happy again

Huskylover1 Fri 19-May-17 13:06:54

If it has only been one week, maybe he literally took you at your word, when you said for him to take all the time you need? He hasn't been on Whatsapp, so it's not like he's seen your message and ignored it.

This may be clutching at straws of course, but I think I'd be inclined to give him a call, before embarking on other dates.

Try to imagine things the other way around. Let's say one of your parents got really sick, and you needed time to sort out things for them. How would you feel, if after one week he gave up on you and started to see other women.

Having said all of this, it takes seconds to text, so there really is no excuse not to keep in daily contact (ime), but not everyone thinks this way.

Call him. Maybe he is sitting there wondering why you haven't bothered to call him, despite knowing he's having a rough time.

LesisMiserable Fri 19-May-17 13:14:43

thestoic is so spot on.

WaitingYetAgain Fri 19-May-17 13:19:52

I think whether to contact him or not depends on if you know he has seen correspondence from you or not. For example, I have had a ghosting (dating) and a final discard + multiple silent treatments (11 year abusive relationship). In both cases, I knew that the men involved had seen my message/s and that they had chosen not to respond to me while continuing on with their lives and communicating with others.

If he never had the exclusive chat with you, I don't think you'd be doing anything wrong if you had a date and then he came back to you. I personally don't date more than one person at a time, but when you don't know if you have been ghosted, after a while you just have to assume or you'd be waiting forever.

MyOpe Fri 19-May-17 14:10:20

I think of alot of these men make the big romantic moves to get what they want! I'm not sure if its concious or unconcious, but it doesn't actually match their feelings. Its a bit of an act really, perhaps some men feel they should fake this big romantic thing, otherwise no woman is going to engage with them.

I think its a bit shit though. It means a woman is engaging her feelings and so forth, whereas the man is just going through the motions to see how he feels about it after sex, basically.

I don't know what the answer is OP. Time usually sorts the non-serious guys. I notice you only met a few months ago ... so it all went very fast. Maybe hold back a bit next time, until your sure the man is genuine and is not just dallying with you.

MyOpe Fri 19-May-17 14:12:33

And agree with PinkFluff about the whole ghosting thing being a cowardly and cruel way to end a relationship.

QueenMortificado Fri 19-May-17 14:32:28

Well yeah, I was going back and forth for a while about how much of this was him "taking space" and how much was personal to me.

That said, I left him a voicemail at the start of the week saying I just wanted to know if he was ok - no need to call but just drop me a message to say you're surviving. And he hasn't. So on that basis it's very difficult not to take it personally and think that this is more than just him taking his time and getting stuff sorted out

ClopySow Fri 19-May-17 14:57:09

Be the one who makes the decision, don't take that control away from yourself. Respect yourself enough to say "he's not behaving like a nice person, that's not good enough for me"

If he can do this in the early days, imagine how shit he could be once he becomes complacent.

Don't wait for him to get in touch, decide it's over in your head and move on.

Oh. And that date next week? Have fun, but don't get involved with someone again when you're feeling vulnerable and shitty after a break up. That's where the bad ones get in.

By the way, I helped you choose that name, just so you know who i am.

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