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Can't take anymore of this(55 Posts)
Hi new here,
I've been browsing for a while but I've never posted, however I think I need to get some opinions from people who don't know me or my not so DH.
Back story - Together almost 15 years, married 8. We have two DC aged 10 and 13.
We got together when I was 18 and had our first child quite quick in to the relationship. Over the years we've gone through a lot, depression, our youngest was always in and out of hospital for years with asthma issues. I suffer from anxiety and depression and have done since our eldest was born. Over the years H has been on work nights out, some I've been told about before hand, others he has just gone out and not told me, ignored my calls and messages and rocked up anytime from 3am to 12pm the next day. Due to our sons health I was a SAHM until 2012 and have been working since. His job is in the City and is a hour commute door to door so he is gone from 7.30am until 6.30pm which means the majority of the childcare is left to me which is fine, I work in a School so the hours are perfect and holidays.
The last few years he has got better, I get told in advance and he keeps in touch. There have been a few occasions he has gone out but completely ignores me and has come home at 8am. Those times have been when something has been bothering him, and he uses alcohol to block it.
In general we have a good relationship, plenty of date nights and weekends away just us two. If he isn't at work then he's at home. He never goes anywhere weekends.
Moving on to tonight...
He had a corporate day out with his company, it's not far from where we live, half hour drive give or take with traffic. It started at midday and he said he wouldn't be home too much later than normal, all fine. Spoke to him at 7.30pm he said they were packing up, and waiting for the grand finale etc. Since then he hasn't spoken to me. He wasn't on WhatsApp from 7.30pm until 1.20am. He read the messages ( doubt he's read them properly as he's more than likely steaming drunk ) so I called him at 1.45am, no answer. Sent a few messages to say how cruel he is being and what the hell is wrong with him. He's not been on since 1.20am.
I can't sleep, never can when he is out as my anxiety goes through the roof. I just don't understand why he is doing this, what does he gain? It's impossible to talk to him when he does rock up home as he's so drunk that nothing gets through to him. When I go on work nights out I never do this, I wouldn't dream of it.
The kids are older now and not stupid. If he isn't home by the time we get up for school/work at 6am, I'll be left having to explain it. They'll get upset and not want to go to school, this happened in January. I lost my sh*t and walked out the house, ended up at my doctors and signed off work with stress and anxiety. Granted I was in a bad place with my job at the time, I'd spent weeks telling H how bad things were, he kept telling me to speak to someone but I didn't and then I completely broke down. His reasoning for staying out until 6am that time was because I was giving him stress all day at work, and he had his own work stress going on.
I just don't know what to do anymore. This isn't healthy. He always says sorry and he won't do it again. Ha! I don't want to split up my family, it would hurt my children and in my job I have witnessed what divorce can do to children.
I'm just at a loss. I don't even cry anymore, I just get angry. Why does he treat me like this?
I genuinely can't understand people who are this selfish. Why wouldn't he just message you and say what he's doing?!
What is he doing btw? Do you find out? Where does he go & sleep?
Why do the kids get upset when he is not there in mornings? Can you pretend that he went early in to work?
If i were you, I would look after you and your stress first. Prioritise you. Wait for him to be fully sober and awake etc and clearly explain that if it happens once more he can pack his belongings. Don't tolerate behaviour that results in you ending up at the dr.
This is the way he is. He's always been this way and people don't generally change. Even when they do, it's rarely a permanent change.
You can't change him. You can only focus on yourself.
Be honest with your children (without being dramatic about it), and get yourself into counselling as soon as you possibly can.
You need to get your anxiety under control, and then you need to decide whether you are going to put up with this treatment, or not. If you are, you need to learn coping skills. If you arent, you need your ducks in a row emotionally.
He has no right to treat you like this, but you need to understand that you have put up with it so far, so he has had no incentive to change. You do need to ask yourself why you've stayed in this relationship. Once you know that, you might be in a better place to decide how to deal with your current relationship.
I also encourage you to stop asking why he does things. Ask yourself why you let this happen over and over with no real consequences to him... One can never know why anyone does anything, really. All you can know is how you will respond.
Leave him. You can't change him. Living with 2 miserable parents who stay together can do things to kids too. As you have already seen. Make yourself happy. That will make your kids happy.
I always tell him to just send me a message to keep me informed. The total silence is what causes the issues. I've had him tell me that sometimes it's not worth the hassle because either way I give him grief apparently. He doesn't realise that I only get angry and give him grief when he acts like a complete fool who shows me zero respect. And yes I do get anxious when he goes out because of his behaviour!
He doesn't sleep anywhere, he'll stay in bars. The state of him when he walks in is clue to the fact he hasn't slept at all.
In regards to the children, they've been upset because I've been upset when I haven't been able to get hold of him all night and in to the next morning. Obviously I try to avoid them overhearing stuff but the eldest is smart. I've noticed he now asks me when his dad will be home if he's out with work. And seems anxious.
I just want it to all stop. He's not young and stupid anymore, he is 33 soon. It's time he grew up and started acting like a man and not a 20 year old with no responsibilities.
Clearly I love him, when you love someone it's not as simple as just giving up. When he's not doing this, he is a good man and a good dad to the kids. They absolutely adore him.
I had counselling a few years ago, he paid for me to go private to get seen quick and get me the help I needed. I had been absolutely fine up until January this year.
I know we need to sit down and have a long talk about this, I plan on it happening tonight ( we are due to go out for dinner and my parents are having the kids for the night ) so no distractions. That's if he shows up home at all. He's got to be at work for 9am. He can't not go in as they knew he was out. It's just such a mess.
Love isn't a reason to stay in a relationship.
You can love anyone if you spend time with them and get to know them. You can fall in love with your kidnapper, it's called Stockholm syndrome. There are millions of people who love the partner who hits them. That doesn't mean the relationship is good for them.
You don't have to do this. He treats you like shit. You are literally teaching your children that they need to go out and find a partner who treats them like this. Do you see that? You're setting them up for identical misery.
My XP did this to me. I was with him (on and off) for 12 years, we had two dc's together. He started going out with 'friends' from work. There was, of course, one particular 'friend'. After the third night of him staying out all night, ignoring my texts/switching off his phone, leaving me to stay up worrying all night and then deal with getting the dc's to school, I finally realised that he was a completely selfish shite with no respect for me or our dcs. LTB - it will be hell, but you'll get through the other side wondering why you didn't' do it earlier.
I pray they would never treat any future girlfriends or their wives this way. If I ever hear of them doing what he does I would be the first to put them in their place. The fact their own father is doing this and it may now and in the result of him leaving, should hopefully make them realise that this behaviour is not acceptable.
I just can't understand why he went a long time without any of these issues on nights out to suddenly doing it twice in the space of 4 months. The last time was 2015 when his mum was diagnosed with cancer and he didn't handle the news very well.
Can he not see that he risks losing everything?
It won't be the DC doing this to their partners... More likely they will seek out partners who treat them like your H treats you... Because they are learning, subconsciously, from you that if you "love" someone, part of that is that they will treat you like absolute shit, and they will just put up with it like Mum did.
Think it through op. If you pack this in now you might have a few years of their childhood left to set a better example.
And stop obsessing about him. You can't understand or control him. Snap out of it. You need to turn your focus back on yourself, for the good of your children if nothing else.
DisneylandDreams - how old were you DC when you left him? Was it only the three nights or was it over the years you were together?
Jouu - The last time he did this I did tell him that he is pushing me to my limits and that if he didn't stop this crap he would be ruining everything we have worked hard for. He promised he wouldn't do it again. So clearly he was full of crap. I won't just roll over and accept a sorry. He will know that I am livid, so will do his best to prolong facing me.
I think I'm going to tell him to stay somewhere else for a while so I can process everything without him being here.
All the texting and begging for his attention just supports him in his behaviour. He's done it before, he knows you don't like it, he doesn't care.
So now, don't you care, either.
Sort yourself for life without him. He has no right to treat you like this. Take away his opportunities to do so.
You know he's treating you disrespectfully. He knows you'll put up with it. And he spends all the time out (til 6am??) sitting in the bar? Really??
I think OP your suggestion is absolutely the right one.
Ask him to stay elsewhere for a while . It will give you some breathing space as you can't possibly think a way forward when he is living there.
Don't enable him anymore - you deserve better than this cruel treatment. And it is cruel.
It sounds like maybe he's working in an unhealthy environment. He obviously isn't doing this alone some of his colleagues must be train wrecks as well. You teach people how to treat you and I think telling him to stay away is a very good start and a good boundary. As for him paying for your counselling. This is an odd thing to say. Are you financially secure in case of a split?
You would be surprised what's open in the City at all hours.
I'm not going to attempt contacting him. I might even pack a bag for him and if he turns up I will tell him to go to his mum's while I decide what I'm going to do about our future. I know it'll hurt and be hard, but this isn't healthy and I shouldn't be feeling like this every day, wondering if he will be coming home or not. Then left hanging.
We went private through his private healthcare he gets through work, all 4 of us are on it, he paid the excess. My doctor at the time just kept fobbing me off with the same medication.
He is the main earner, I only work part time but if it comes to a split I would be able to claim working tax credits and he would pay maintenance for the DC.
As for his job, he has been at the company for 12 years, I know he is bored and is looking in to other ventures where he can work from home. I know his job entails a lot of networking and he works with a lot of people in their early 20's on his team, but it's quite common for them to stay out late. My worry is it is now approaching 5am and he still isn't home so I have no idea what he's doing about work today. I know his boss is looking for any reason she can find to get rid of him. He may just find himself without a job and being kicked out.
I don't know how much you have in savings. Would it really be such a bad thing if he were sacked? I think he needs a new direction in life. This work environment sounds very unhealthy. And the longer it goes on, the more likely he is to do this again. Because he's unhappy and stressed at work and it may again become a vicious circle. You both sound unhappy and stressed. Now that you've explained it more, I think staying out isn't about you, it's his pressure cooker release that he needs every now and then because he doesn't have a better way of dealing with the stress.
So telling him to pack a bag and go away to his mums is one solution. Another is to sit down this weekend and work out how he can quit his job sooner rather than later. Even if that means quitting now without a job and going temping for a lot less until he finds a different career path. Does he look to you when he is struggling emotionally?
No he never tells me when he is struggling emotionally. The way it comes out is like right now, he completely goes off the rails with drink. Whenever I've asked him to tell me if something is bothering him, he always says that he doesn't want to give me any extra stress or that he deals with it himself.
I mentioned his mum being a classic case, she got told she had bowel cancer, had a massive operation and was told all was fine, then they decided to give her a 6 month course of chemo tablets to be extra safe. He took that really hard, he didn't tell me that he was scared she would die. He went off out with work, I knew he was out but it got to 2am, then later. No phone calls or messages, he rolled in at 8am and completely broke down about his mum. He cried and he never cries. He wouldn't go and see her ( they live 2 hours away) until she'd finished her chemo. I kept asking shall we go and see your mum? Always no. Or no the kids have been ill so we can't risk infection. Always a reason to not go.
He hates his job, he's just waiting for the green light on a job and is hoping to leave by summer. I know he's unhappy there. There was a job he was going to go for internally the other week, but again his boss being spiteful didn't agree to interview him and gave the role to someone else with less experience. And then yesterday she tried to stop him going to the corporate event.
I have no idea how he feels because he never tells me anything until this happens!
I'm not very fond of "corporate days out" because they tend to end very late. Recall one such event with one company I worked for. On that occasion we stayed at hotels rather far away from where the event was (there were so many employees that everyone couldn't be fitted into one hotel) and I recall that they had arranged shuttle buses to pick people up - at 3 a.m., 4 a.m, and 5 a.m. ! At the end most colleagues privately took cabs back to the other hotel at midnight or 1 a.m. but the company strangely expected people to stay around until 3-5 a.m. even though in this case most people had fled earlier.
I must say I don't quite follow what the problem is here. Is it that he didn't reply to you on Whatsapp in the middle of the night, or is it that he went to the company party and stayed too late? I find it difficult to see there was any problem with not being on WhatsApp during a company party, but that's just me. I think the best option is to talk it over calmly, over the week-end. I might be a bit thick but I can honestly not follow why you'd want to throw him out over this, or try to break up, or similar.
The boss will have been the trigger then. His behaviour is worrying and very destructive. He may need outside help/ counselling. As I've said, two choices. You throw him out or you sit down and you start dealing with this as a couple. Perhaps marriage guidance would be a good thing for you both as he doesn't sound like the sort, who'd get himself personal counselling and I think you both need some marriage guidance.
What you should think about doing if you choose the second option is to not shout the odds when he comes in. Wait till he's over his hangover and talk otherwise all you're doing is passing emotions between eachother like hot potatoes and never actually dealing with the issues. A good start would be to talk about how he's feeling. He already knows how you feel about him staying out like this so repeating it and getting angry won't help the situation.
The issue is he said he wouldn't be late ( I never expect that to be the case with him ) and he didn't bother telling me he would staying out until the next morning. There were no hotels booked, the event was held not far from where we live. It's the total disregard for doing the decent thing and telling your other half that you will be out late. He usually calls or messages when he's leaving, the fact he has completely ignored me and not let me know he wouldn't be back is not on.
I also mention to him that if I ever had a emergency with myself or the kids how would I ever be able to get in touch with him? He deliberately ignores me.
He would have a fit if I went out and didn't return home until the next day and didn't keep in touch with him. But his reasoning is I'm a woman. It's such bull! How do I know he is ok?
The marriage counselling sounds like a good idea, I would gladly go to that but I have a feeling he wouldn't be keen. He barely talks to me about his feelings so the chances of him talking to a stranger are slim. I will definitely raise it though.
I don't plan on talking to him until he is sober and not under the influence of alcohol.
Right now I can't do anything until he either gets in touch or comes back. I don't know if his phone still has enough battery. It could be completely flat by now.
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