Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Hello. I'm new here. Need to talk ;-(

(35 Posts)
user1490529346 Fri 19-May-17 01:33:39

Well. I'm in relationship for nearly 12 years now. It never was easy...
He is 2 years younger than me and we have most precious daughter.
I don't really know where to start.
My soul is aching. Because I put so much into this relationship and I've been treated like a piece of crap.
I'm not an angel and I have a fair share in arguments. But I feel financially and emotionally abused. Here is why...
Financially - well he haven't been working for 6 years and been spending money on weed. A lot of money. To the point that we couldn't pay rent and have been evicted. I had words. Plenty of them. I cried, I shouted and I gave ultimatums. Nothing seem to work.
He has a bit of a past - have been homeless as a teenager, he also self harmed. But he also lies. Especially about money.

Emotionally - he blames me for everything. In every argument. I'm always the bad one. He calls me names. All sorts. He tells me he hates my guts.

He also hit me on two occasions, but I forgave.

Our sex life is non existent as he doesn't sleep in bed since 2011.

Am I a mug for being in relationship with him?

namechange122 Fri 19-May-17 01:36:28

Hello User.
Hope you are ok?
This is an awful situation for you to be in.
Do you have any family/friends for support X

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 19-May-17 02:26:00

Not a mug but I am wondering why you're in a relationship with him. Abusive, doesn't bring money, happiness, sex or stability into your life... And he's hit you sad Why do you stay with him?

WaitingYetAgain Fri 19-May-17 02:35:01

He sounds abusive and unstable.

Perhaps you've stayed because you imagined it might get better or because you put all that effort in and hate the thought it was all for nothing.

When you are in a relationship like that you can't imagine how your life would be out if it. I can guarantee you'd feel better out of it because while it might be hard, you can't put a price on your freedom or on being safe from being threatened with violence and financial abuse.

Bitchycocktailwaitress Fri 19-May-17 02:35:33

You deserve more than this OP. Listen to what you are trying to tell yourself here. Why have you posted here? You know.

Sending flowers

user1482079332 Fri 19-May-17 02:37:31

Hello op, this guy sounds awful, what keeps you with him? Have you any friends or family for support?

user1490529346 Fri 19-May-17 02:50:41

I though it will get better. But my patience is wearing off. I had friends but lost them because of him. He seem to scare them away. My sister lives miles away and the rest of family lives in Poland.
If I end it he has nowhere to go and no money coming. He will become homeless again, which I would not forgive myself...

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 19-May-17 02:53:37

If he got a job he would have money. He chooses not to. That isn't your fault.

user1490529346 Fri 19-May-17 03:16:19

That's very true. He keeps saying that he couldn't get a job because of childcare. I told him we were entitled to some help but his response was " I'm not working just to pay someone else's wage."

namechange122 Fri 19-May-17 03:18:32

Sorry but someone else out their is working to make sure he has money to live off.

user1490529346 Fri 19-May-17 03:18:44

I'm also concerned about him self-harming again...

user1490529346 Fri 19-May-17 03:23:29

namechange122 fair point...

You know what pisses me off the most? He is "sick and tired of being stuck at home, doing school runs and tidying" I had an operation back in march and I was bed bound. I'm recovering and can do more now, but still not 100%. The house is in such a state that I just want to cry...

Glastokitty Fri 19-May-17 03:32:39

He sounds like waste of space. His problems are not your problems. You deserve better.

intergalacticbrexitdisco Fri 19-May-17 03:51:12

It's not really a relationship, is it? If he becomes homeless, it's not your problem - presumably he's an able-bodied young man. Plenty of options for him.

You should be able to get some help as a lone mother, and give your lovely daughter the example of not staying with the useless drug-using woman batterer.

user1490529346 Fri 19-May-17 03:51:30

I'm just scared. Scared of his reaction. Scared how I will manage with DD school runs, etc etc...
I know I want stability and I know he can't give it to me. He wants to start the business and had an idea not to pay a rent this month. I think that was the icing on the cake. I'm so angry I cannot sleep

user1490529346 Fri 19-May-17 03:54:49

Intergalacticbrexitdisco that the one! I mentioned it to him before when he was calling me all the names under the sun if he would like DD to think that's normal. I hurt his feelings apparently

intergalacticbrexitdisco Fri 19-May-17 03:58:58

You should definitely not have to be scared. Have you heard of Women's Aid? You can call them and talk things through. Also, there is this, in Polish: They are open tomorrow.

intergalacticbrexitdisco Fri 19-May-17 04:01:41

Too bad - he's hurting more than your feelings with his nonsense.

user1490529346 Fri 19-May-17 04:12:24

Thank you so much. You don't even know how much it means to me. It will be so good to speak to someone in my own language. Once again - thank you flowers.
And he won't be able to understand either.

Kittymum03 Fri 19-May-17 04:12:30

Don't go down the road of 'Let's just not pay the rent' (or whatever bill) this month'
Please. I speak from bitter, bitter experience. It is far to easy to 'just' not pay it again next month etc. I didn't even realise how bad things had got until our landlord phoned me and spelled it out to me. In kindness, but with a 'Now you are aware, sort it out as of NOW, or you are out' threat sad

Can you find out about before/after school clubs and if you would be able to fit your work around them? I know you are worried how you will manage. I was just thinking is there any way that you could maybe swap your hours around or something, some way, so yes you are only relying on you for school drop offs/pick ups, but then if you do end up being a single parent (and you will probably get financial help) then it isn't such a scary thought, as you've already been doing it alone.

Does he have any family/friends who could have a word with him? (If he is seing you as 'The bad guy') Which you aren't, but he might listen to somebody else about supporting his family, getting himself out of the house a bit.

Sorry if my post is a bit rambley, I hope it makes some kind of sense, I'm so sorry you are going through this flowers

MrsTerryPratchett Fri 19-May-17 04:25:55

I hope you get some support. You deserve better.

user1490529346 Fri 19-May-17 09:50:03

We split up. He is helping with taking DD to school while I'm of my feet. He is looking for somewhere to live. We are trying to stay from our ways and be civil.

MyheartbelongstoG Fri 19-May-17 10:00:08

Op I guarantee you that as time goes on you will become more confident in your new life and you will gain clarity on your past relationship. You will see him for exactly who he is.

It took me about 5 years to walk away from my marriage as I was so scared about going it alone.

The thing that did it for me was when he slapped my then 6 year old across the face full force. You could clearly see a hand print. These men never change. Don't make the mistake of thinking yours is any different.

Wishing you all the very best for your future. Just keep on going op and remind yourself of the awful things he has done. I used to ask permission to go out! I still get so angry with myself for allowing that!

You can do it!

Kittymum03 Fri 19-May-17 10:19:05

flowers I hope you are ok.I'm glad he's still helping (as he should) and I hope he is actually trying to find somewhere, and not jist saying it, hoping you will change your mind. (I'm not saying he is doing that just that it crossed my mind)

user1490529346 Fri 19-May-17 11:08:23

We both know it is over. There is no intimacy, lack of communication, constant arguments. He is angry with me that I'm not begging him to try to sort things out. I'm 38 next week and I know that there is more to life than this mess.

I just need to stay firm and strong

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: