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What should it be like after 5 years?

(13 Posts)
Rainsbow Thu 18-May-17 19:18:33

Because it's certainly not rainbows and unicorns. Is it normal to feel "meh" about a relationship after that long with two kids? Could happily (more than happily) go months and months without sex, affection even is rare, don't go out together, have little in common with each other. But is that just the fact that we're in a rut after this long.

Lilybensmum1 Thu 18-May-17 19:20:51

Hi op I think this sounds normal a bit like the 7 year itch! Been there done that and survived, however our DC are now older so it does get easier.

LonginesPrime Thu 18-May-17 19:21:43

If other people say their relationship is the same, will that make you feel better about the life you're living?

SweetChickadee Thu 18-May-17 19:24:59

nothing at all like that after 22 years.

(no kids tho)

caterpuller Thu 18-May-17 19:29:32

Wasn't like that for the first 8 years, then had kids and lo and behold, yes, exactly as you describe. Now 22 years into our relatinonship, we are both approaching 50, and we have discussed it a lot and recognise that it is partly inevitable after so long, and after having kids later in life, and that we have let it happen by allowing our relationship to take a back seat. We are looking forward to the kids growing up and leaving home (not that I mean really looking forward to that happening, rather that we have discussed longer term what it means for us as a couple) - and making an effort to be kind / loving to each other as we recognise we've neglected our relationship for many years. Not saying it's inevitable for everyone, but it's certainly been the case for us, although doesn't need to signal the end if you both agree that you can change things.

Beyondworried Thu 18-May-17 20:05:11

Ive been married 7 years and we always make time for us. We go into town every Saturday for lunch, a few drinks and a mooch. I understand of course this would be tricky with young children. I guess what I'm trying to say is talk and see what you can both do to get your r'ship back on track. Day to day drudgery can make any r'ship seem a bit meh and it is bloody hard with work, kids etc. It wont always be like this. Do you want the r'ship to work?

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome Thu 18-May-17 20:19:12

Do you tell each other that you love each other?

I'd try & up the affection - talk to your DH about it. It's so easy to lose sight of yourself and each other with the day to day drudgery.

We almost never get time to be together without the DCs apart from in the evening when we're shattered, but we tell each other all the time that we love each other, and are quite affectionate, and I feel that is enough to see us through.

I genuinely love & fancy my DH more than ever, after 23 years together, but when there were toddlers in the house I felt just like you, OP.

Things can get better if you both want the same things & love each other & are prepared to work on communicating more.

ArsenalsPlayingAtHome Thu 18-May-17 20:20:56

Just read my post back. I'd go as far as to say that there were times when I was more than meh about my relationship....I'd go as far as to say that I was miserable and seriously considered leaving him.

Do there is definitely hope for you.

noova61 Thu 18-May-17 20:27:04

Been together 27yrs. 1 DD and and DGC. We got into a rut...no sex, seperate rooms, always working (he works permanent nights), he works every other weekend aswell....no time for us. Crunch came when he had a stroke and we had to put everything into perspective for over a year, it was VERY hard.His needs came first. We talked, went to councilling talked about how, why, when it happened. We are in a better place, and talking...sex is the issue here, but I love him and Im hoping we can get back what we've lost. Dont get me wrong we are very close, hold hands when out, we make time for us. Unfortuneatly we do and can get into ruts, we just have to work at it.

PastoralCare Fri 19-May-17 09:53:08

5 years is not long at all if you had planned to live your lives together.

Say you end up together 40 years from now, this current period would barely register.

But of course, it can always get worse from here.

Don't compare yourselves too much with other couples. What if everybody else had crap relationships after 5 years, should you feel fantastic now? Obviously not.

Only you know if things are about to reach crisis point. The sooner you address them, the sooner you'll know if you should stay or leave.

Margo3791 Fri 19-May-17 11:22:37

I think it is quite common to have periods of disconnection in a relationship and then connect again at some point. Relationships are constantly in flow and there will be dry periods and then better and happier periods. I think that's normal.

The problem is when there are serious issues behind the lack of sex or lack of communication. Or when one side doesn't make an effort to improve things for the couple and expects the other side to do all the hard work all the time.

As long as there aren't any serious issues in the background, like alcoholism, or violence or emotional abuse, I would say maybe you are probably going through a dry phase, but that can indeed change, and you can get to a better place. Mortgage, kids, bills, all put a massive strain on couples and their sex lives.

Adora10 Fri 19-May-17 12:51:51

I'd not settle for that at all, we are 16 years and are good pals, go out, socialist, laugh; that sounds boring as hell.

MatildaTheCat Fri 19-May-17 14:30:44

Young dc tend to take over everything if you allow that to happen. Relationships are hard work, they really are. Sometimes it's all great and sometimes you can really quite dislike the other person. And sometimes, especially when you are both knackered and fed up its very normal to feel meh.

So up to you whether you allow this to continue or put some work into enjoying one another again. What could you do together that's achieve able, doesn't involve the DC and you'd both enjoy?

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