Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
Am I wrong? Can this work?(49 Posts)
Not sure if this is correct topic but here goes.
Name changed since but some posters might remember my old threads about my DPs bad (aka non existent borderline hate) relationship with my parents due to work situation gone wrong.
I have come to accept that they don't and will probably never get on as both sides have to completely different views on the past situation. It hurts me. A lot. I've always been a family person and its family that brought me the most joy. I was over the moon when me and DP started seeing each other and to top it off him and my parents got on brilliantly and him and my DF were very close.
I now have my own family with DP we have a DS (2.5) and a LO on the way (shhh it's still a secret).
Things haven't been great recently, me and DP seemed to have detached from each other DP even said that it feels "like we're just living together" , I'm quite self conscious at the moment and we have not been intimate nearly 2 months now (might sound like not a long time but for us it definitely is).
I'm very closed off and don't talk much as once I start talking about my emotions I usually cry and it makes me feel weak and pathetic.
Despite what I just mentioned DP says he still finds me attractive and loves me etc and I don't feel anything when he says that, I feel like I don't believe him.
Recently another issue cropped up where DP said he would not like DS to sleep over at my parents as he doesn't trust them and he also feels uncomfortable at the thought of them babysitting him on their own without me there (even without sleeping over) but he said he understands that the situation is hard for me and I have to choose what's right for me at the given time.
I stayed over at their house a couple of nights ago with DS as DP was away for work and I work evenings so it helped me as they could put DS to bed as I get home past his bedtime. That was ok
Ish with DP as I was also staying there. The next day I left DS with my DM for about 2hrs whilst I nipped home and took the opportunity to clean and do the laundry toddler free. DP called me around that time and I said that I'm just at home and DS is back at my DMs and said why, he said that its ok and I don't have to explain myself. But he came back from his work trip and we didn't even kiss to say hi properly not a cuddle or any form of physical contact, we are even more detached than ever. We've spoken briefly and DP said that he understands that I do what I think is right but he cannot help the way he feels about it so I can't expect him to just be ok with everything as he feels he has no say in his DSs life/care and that he always backs me 100% with his DMiL and FIL but he understands why I have to make decisions like that sometimes. This comes across passive aggressive to me as in "i want you to think you have a choice but if you make the choice I don't like it will affect our relationship".
I just feel so deflated today both sides have told me they don't expect me to pick a side but it feels like sooner or later I'll have to because no matter what I do I will always upset one side be it DP or my parents. I'm thinking about the day this LO arrives and DP walking out of the room when my parents come to visit at the hospital and I'm welling up. Feels like everything in my life will always be overshadowed with this sense of loss and sadness and tiptoeing around the situation to try and keep both sides borderline happy but no one will ever be really happy.
DP told me today to make a list of the things I want for us looking into the future, how I see this situation and how I see our daily/weekly routine in terms of making time to see my family etc but I feel like there will always be a loophole and something will be amiss/changed or mixed up.
In truth I feel like I don't know how to be happy anymore and I don't know what I want for myself this situation is squashing me into the ground like a bug and I can't get back up. I'm just so sad and I realise this post will probably just sound like an incoherent ramble of a lunatic in comparison to other problems people face in life so apologies. I'm not sure if I'll get any replies to this and I don't even know where to start with my list my head feels like it's about to implode.
I don't know your backstory so I don't know whether your DP is being unreasonable or not. Is your DP justified in his dislike of your family? If so I would support him. If not then why is he trying to cause conflict?
Sorry can't help much without a bit more background info but I hope this bumps your post so that someone who does know sees it
Thank you for the reply I don't think he's being unjustified but I do feel like certain things he's recently said are a bit too much. I understand his active dislike and mistrust as he is dealing with the aftermath of the work situation gone wrong which he blames solely on them.
But yesterday we had a long conversation and I mentioned how are we going to marry all of this up and I gave an example of birthday parties for our DC - he said to me that he doesn't want to be around them, doesn't want to see them, doesn't want to hear them. So I said "so are they basically uninvited" and he said "you can put it that way". I said that I'm not asking him to speak to them. He said if they do come he will leave for whatever amount of time they're there for.
I understand the situation and his feelings but at the end of the day they're DGPs they want to be there for their DGCs big moments...I've stepped back and will listen to his decisions on sleeping over etc but surely he can suck it up for a few hrs and just politely ignore them at his DSs birthday parties etc?
I'm concerned that he will end up looking like a d**k and the bad one, especially since my parents are perfectly ok with just being civil and he's the one putting the restrictions in place.
I understand the situation and his feelings but at the end of the day they're DGPs they want to be there for their DGCs big moments.
At the end of the day, your DP is their father and he trumps your Parents.
It's hard to know whether he's being unreasonable without knowing the back story. If they attacked him or embezzled him out of money or property, then every contact you have with them must hurt him. If it's more nuanced than that he's being very unreasonable.
he has no right to sulk if your parents are baby sitting in order to help you out.
I take it he won't tailor his working hours in order for you to be able to go to work whilst he watches your DS? How about he does the housework whilst you watch your DS?
No, then he has no right to get into a strop whilst you leave your DS in your parents care.
He sounds incredibly chidlish, unless your parents have done something unforgiveable to him, the least he can be is civil to them. He sounds like he totally wants to isolate you form your support network.
You're not expecting him to cut all ocntact with his family I takei t, therefore he has no basis for comparison with how he 'stands up' for you with his parents..
He's your DP not your DH. I'd keep it that way.
I don't like how he is trying to control you.
He might be fully justified in wanting to avoid your parents but if you follow his rulings you might end up estranged from them.
Birthday parties etc are an easily-solved problem - have two, one with daddy, one with grandparents. Your children will grow up with it and enjoy the extra fuss.
But keep an eye on him. He wants all your commitment, not just his share. That could be a hint of trouble to come.
He sounds awful and controlling. What's the work issue ? Impossible to say if he has a case without knowing that.
Did your parents do the wrong thing? If so, have they apologised genuinely?
What do you think about the work situation? Is he right?
My DB's both have horrendous inlaws. Both of them maintain an air of civility for the sake of their wives and to make their wives life easier.
It does sound to me like he's being a bit of a prick
I have read your other threads on this and posters have said time and again that you need to support your dp.
You have said yourself that your dparents were in the wrong but you choose to stick your fingers in your ears a bit and say you don't want to get involved. I am not trying to be harsh I know it must be hard for you because at your parents but you have more than once got into a situation where you feel torn rather than remembering that your dp relationship with his son trumps that of your parents.
Well he is being a dick though isn't he?
You can't possibly spend your life with your partner and parents being unable to be in the same room together!
I remember your other threads. Didn't your parents handling of a work situation end up leaving your husband in a terrible financial mess and you're now horribly in debt? And they won't admit it I'd apologise even though you know they are at fault? (Sorry if this is another poster)
If so, your husband is not U. He has been treated appallingly and you should stand by him.
Well if they genuinely fucked up and won't take responsibility then he's not being a dick.
I would suggest family therapy actually- any chance?
I remember your posts and I'm firmly with your DP here. Your parents have treated him, and by extension you and dc, appallingly. You are in a deep FOG about them.
You've had lots of advice before. I think all things considered your DP is trying his best.
IF (and it's a big 'if') the PP's are right and your parents have treated your partner badly with no redress, I would feel incredibly betrayed by your behaviour if I were him.
I can understand why you name changed op to try and get a different perspective but the problem is that without the back story of your parents leaving you in a financial mess it does just look like your dp isn't being an arsehole which he isn't. He seems to have tried to support your choice to keep contact with your parents but I can see why he finds it hard and why he feels like he has no say over his own ds.
If I remember rightly your parents have made demands on your time on their terms meaning your dp didn't get to spend a rare day off with his son because your parents said it was that time or nothing and you chose to maintain this relationship because you have chosen not to believe either your parents account or your dps account of the work situation.
From today's post I honk your dp had really tried to support you possibly hoping you'd decide yourself to put him and your family unit first but is feeling sidelined with no say in his own child's life over that of your parents feelings. It must hurt him a lot to have to pick up the financial pieces of your parents behaviour while they have got off Scott free and still getting to call the shots over your and your dc's time.
Thank you for your replies I do genuinely take all of them into consideration.
I am doing my best to stand by my DP and my parents have also backed off a lot with asking to see DS.
I don't want to be estranged from them as we've already drifted apart a lot due to the situation, my DM seems to think that I just do what DP tells me to do.
I'm not asking him to make up and be friends (but they used to be v.close especially with my DF and Its strange to me that he could just switch off like that) I guess I would just appreciate if he could be civil for things like birthdays, school plays etc. But he won't. Not sure if I mentioned it before but he doesn't even want me to leave DS with them if I'm at their house and I'm just nipping out to the shop for half an hour.
He won't even entertain the idea of being there and being civil when they visit me and new LO in hospital when I've given birth. I guess it just hurts and feels like I'll have to have two completely separate family lives the main one with my DP and DCs and the side one with my parents.
I don't know what I'll tell my DS when he starts asking why Daddy is never there when we're with DGPs but he is with the other DGPs.
He said the only time he will be civil (maybe) is when we get married. It'll just feel like its going to be a big farce.
I'm prepared to be told that I'm just over exaggerating things in my head as it is on my mind a lot and I might be overthinking...
And just to clear it up I will always stand by my DP I just hope it doesn't damage my relationship with my parents.
my DM seems to think that I just do what DP tells me to do.
And do you?
What was the situation that meant your partner won't engage with your parents. It is impossible to say whether anyone is being out of order here without knowing what happened.
I feel for you, but it's impossible to help without knowing what happened. It really does make all the difference. If dp got fired from the family company for making a fuck up, its his fault and he needs to get over it. If they fucked up and made it look like he did it so they got away scot free, they're clearly the ones in the wrong and you should support him. And that's only two of the possibilities.
However. I don't like the sound of the sulking and stropping, whatever the situation. If he is in the right I can understand him feeling aggrieved that you continue to try to have a relationship with them, to pretend nothing has happened. But there are better ways of dealing with that than acting stroppy.
Your parents behaved appallingly. They're pretending they didn't despite the fact that you are massively in debt because of their behaviour. I'm not surprised your DP doesn't to be anywhere near them - including immediately after the birth. You say you don't want to chose sides but you already have. You chose your parents by allowing them to negate all responsibility for their behaviour. You need to deal with this properly. If you want your relationship to continue, I'd suggest sessions with relate because, eventually, there will come a point where your DP no longer wants to live like this.
I'm sorry I attempted to write it all down properly but I'm going to end up with a book.
Top and bottom is DP started a company my DF and DM were consecutively 1st and 2nd employee (my DF was friends with DP before that). Both parents went into managerial roles - over the years. Company started doing worse DP blamed DF and DM for not listening and vice versa. Tried to change stuff etc. Lots of messy shit and terrible actions towards the end and company closed leaving DP in debt as he was the owner. It's not as severe debt as we first imagined due to the nature of DPs job. Even though for someone working in a (so to speak) 9-5 it would take a very long time to get out of it we are very lucky and hopefully will be in the clear in the next 5years or so and also manage a quite good lifestyle/home situation.
The more I'm jotting things down the more I see it like this :
DF and DM made mistakes as they were never in managerial roles before and never had any training (DP also never provided it) they are both go getters and felt like they knew everything once they got taught something (they are VERY skilled and fantastic at picking things up/learning things quickly). My DM struggles with change and would at times be reluctant to change her ways and also due to the cultural differences she would come across a lot harsher/angrier/more confrontational than she ever intended to, she also has a habit of getting really worked up over things first rather than sorting them which isn't a great way to be considering her role. DF had issues with alcohol as pre starting work for DP he had back surgery (he would've been in a wheelchair without it) which left him with a lot of restrictions he never adhered to and continued to work physically in the company which put him in a lot of pain so he would drink to numb it (fucking stupid I know).
DP never assessed the situation well and because he believed in the company if it was loosing money he would just find a way to pump more in and he would also employ more people (they ended up overstaffed) as he felt pressured to not put too much on my dads shoulders due to his back issues.
My parents probably made a lot of mistakes before the company went under including not taking What DP said on board properly. but DP made some decisions that made him look really really bad towards the end (last 6 months or so) before the actual shut down which included accusing my dad of stealing (he believed a less senior employee who turned out to be a fraud) and taking my DFs keys away and assigning them to said employee (that employee later went onto opening my dads wage slip and telling other staff how much he earned which again DP initially wouldn't believe when my DF told him) and lots of other things.
He also let my DM go about 6 months prior to closure and that also made her go off the rails (the way she felt he did it) and she demanded her severance package which DP took a loan out to get and we struggled massively at the time to the extent of nearly not being able to buy formula for DS - I should also mention my DM was not aware of our bad financial situation at the time.
I don't know how much I listed and how much I missed out and honestly don't know what to think of it.
It doesn't sound as though your DP has much moral high ground here tbh from what you've said.
I'm still with your DP here- your last post is very defensive of your parents role. I seem to think from your last posts that there was also a bit more to it (unless I'm getting mixed up).
Your mum making comments like that seems like she's trying to drive a wedge between you further as well.
Please do get some counselling op to try and unpick this.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now »
Already registered? Log in with:
Please login first.