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What do I do?

(11 Posts)
Feefigmac Thu 18-May-17 15:29:38

Hi, for some time my H and I haven't been happy. But, no arguments etc just the usual stresses. He works a lot of shifts so is very rarely home. Last week he said he wasn't happy etc stating all his concerns lack of sex, we don't talk, do anything as a couple and he feels we live separate life's etc. All true as he is rarely at home or if he is he is tired! Anyway he also told me he had been playing an online word game and they got messaging each other via Facebook ...she is in Australia! This has gone on for 5 weeks now. She is Single and initially they flirted a little, then she pulled back and it was normal chat ...she shares things going on in her life etc, showing him her paintings etc. After a few weeks he asked her where they were going...as he had strong feelings for her and how wonderful, beautiful she was! She replied that he should make the effort and talk to me to sort things out and that the possibility of anything between them was absurd!! Anyway he apologised to her and said he had been confused, he said if she wanted him to stop messaging her he would. But, she replied no need and they still text each other on day to day things. Initially he wouldn't show me the texts as he was embarrassed, but he relented in the end. He was crying saying how embarrassed he was and states he won't delete her as a friend as it is platonic, she isn't interested in him( but she must be flattered) she is no oil painting!! He also doesn't have any friends...he is anti-social, doesn't go out, doesn't really do a lot online etc. He states it helps break his night up etc with the odd text back and forth. I gave an ultimatum and he was adamant he would not be told to delete her. The texts are innocent but my concern is it will grow and feelings will develop further, especially sharing concerns, worries etc,. He says he doesn't have any of the feelings he had for her initially when she told him it was absurd it brought him back to reality and he realised it was me he loved and wants us to sort out the rut we are in. So what do I do, I'm confused and don't know how to move forward? Do I message her telling her to stop texting him, or do I tell him absolutely not or am I being overly sensitive. He said (after I demanded ) that I can check the messages they send to each other if it makes me feel better. Help!!

Boooring Thu 18-May-17 15:36:26

No way! He needs to cut contact immediately or its the end. Who does he think he is?

However you need to ask yourself if you actually want to be with him any more as you say you have not been happy.

Adora10 Thu 18-May-17 15:39:00

Are you mad, he's actively seeking out women online to talk to and have probably a lot more with if she hadn't turned him down; get him out, he's taking the complete piss; it's his fault he has no time but yet he seems to find time to go behind your back and do whatever online, what a disrespectful git.

Adora10 Thu 18-May-17 15:40:34

Yeah check the messages - just the ones that have not been deleted of course, and why should you police him like a naughty school kid, he sounds a total embarrassment.

It's not platonic AT ALL.

DoloresAbernathy Thu 18-May-17 15:40:45

Personally there's no way I'd continue on with my marriage if my husband refused to stop messaging someone he'd developed feelings for however absurd or unlikely it was to come to anything more, It's an emotional affair.
Your not over reacting in being upset or asking him to stop, I'd be telling him that he needs to put his efforts into your marriage or separate. He's being a dick, flowers for you.

AndTheBandPlayedOn Thu 18-May-17 16:05:20

So you are just roommates then?
He wants, nay loves, you to wash his shorts and cook his dinner while he has time for giving another woman his attention but none for you and then has the audacity to complain you two don't do anything together anymore. (That is the beginning of the cheater's script, isn't it?) No. He may say he loves you; but, imho, he loves your wife work more.

He gave you his boundaries, not much in there for you is there? Don't settle for so little: so little respect, so little acknowledgement, so little of his time. Break up his night, what a lame excuse. He could be texting you!

You check the messages? No-you are not interested in a 3 way marriage/relationship; and you certainly are not interested in seeing this affair develop in plain sight. There is nothing to say that one day he won't drain the accounts and fuck off to OZ for her whether she gives the green light or not. He will think that just meeting in person will change her mind, no doubt.

Sorry you are going through this. He has made you invisible.

Feefigmac Thu 18-May-17 19:22:38

Thank you everyone yep you are all so right it just confirmed everything i had been thinking, but i know he will refuse to delete her as he is weak!! but i have given him an ultimatum. If i was stronger i would actually finish it but its daunting as we have been married for 22 yrs its a scary prospect going on my own with the kids! But i would rather be on my own than put up with this nonsense. Thanks again everyone x

Zaphodsotherhead Thu 18-May-17 20:00:35

My XH 'fell in love' with a woman he only chatted to. The relationship was all in his head but he was convinced it was reciprocated until he told her he would leave me (his wife) and move in with her.

Her reply was basically like your woman above, talk to your wife, we are only friends, there's no 'relationship' etc. But he still left me, just not for her, he'd seen the grass on the other side of the fence and was off like a starved bullock.

Just be prepared that this might be the beginning of the end, OP., whatever he says.

Feefigmac Thu 18-May-17 20:10:32

Yes I'm pretty sure it is the beginning of the end. I Know what he is like and doesn't like to be told to do something especially as I know he still has feelings for her no matter how many times he pathetically tells me it's platonic!!! He must think I'm stupid! Maybe I am I married him thinking I could trust him!

Want2beme Thu 18-May-17 21:25:40

On line or in person, it amounts to the same thing. He's being unfaithful to you. Sorry to say that. I know that it's difficult to face.

PsychedelicSheep Thu 18-May-17 22:07:34

She isn't what's important here, she's a symptom of the fact that your marriage is dead in the water. Don't cling on just because it's familiar, it's not fair on anyone. Be brave and let go.

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