Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.
I am about to be 'ghosted'... AGAIN.(69 Posts)
I am so infuriated and over this OLD rubbish. This is the third time this has happened to me.
I have been seeing this latest man for little over a month, he seemed lovely and we had chemistry from the off. He texted me daily wishing me a good day, asking how I have been, what I am up to. General chit chat and he has been very complimentary towards me. We've been on five dates so far, all quite intense and we have shared some intimate details about our lives. No sex as yet because I said I wasn't happy to do it until I was in an exclusive relationship, to which he replied that was fine and he wasn't looking to sleep with anyone else anyway.
I haven't seen him now in over 2 weeks as he has been busy with work and his daughter, which is perfectly reasonable. However, in the last week he has stopped texting me almost completely and we will now exchange maybe 2-3 messages a day. Some days none at all. This leads me to believe that he is gearing up to 'ghost' or end things and may not be as busy as he is suggesting. He will also leave my messages unread on WhatsApp but be online checking his POF account. I realise I sound a little neurotic but I am honestly sick of these time wasters. As far as I am concerned, If he had a vested interest in me he would be replying to my messages rather than going on POF to see what else is out there.
We have arranged to go out for the day next Monday but I am honestly thinking about cancelling. I don't think I am cut out for modern dating and the 'multiple dates a week' culture. I just want to meet somebody decent!
OLD brings about a sweet-shop effect in some of its membership. Some people set out to meet a partner but they start going back to OLD pondering about the grass that is perceived as being greener. As a jaded, married mid-lifer raised just before the technology explosion, I would say be guarded of anyone texting you lots from the word go. For one, it means they have too much time on their hands generally. Secondly, it creates false intimacy as women feel special from this attention when the truth is that it is a lazy way to communicate, cheap as text costs little to nothing, a quiet way to reach you that does not alert other people (the wife, other ladies...) and it sets people up for a needy relationship...your phone beeps, you read your texts, you answer soon after...you bat the communication back and forth as a metric for the value of your relationship. People used to pluck daisy flowers to the tune of 'he loves me, he loves me now'...now people text to the same tune. Phone calls are about real intimacy and conversation.
Some people are text-addicts and they will text anyone to get some attention back to reassure themselves...sit in any high street and you can see them on their phones all day long. When men send you messages about your day, it doesn't mean they are interested in you...they can just be interested in getting texts back so they can talk about THEIR day and be validated that they are important to the respondent.
OLD is a tough world of hit and miss. It sounds like you are very disappointed and I would be upset if I found my date browsing for other prospects online. Being single isn't so bad at all. I had a conversation with my friend about that very thing yesterday...you can meet someone special online but I reckon the odds are low. I cannot think of anyone that I know - friends, family, colleagues, clients - who can recount a happy ending for themselves or their contacts from OLD. Sure it happens sometimes but I think those people are very lucky.
I just don't understand why people advertise themselves as 'looking for a relationship' but then have no serious drive to commit. Or lead people on by complimenting them, and saying 'all the right things'.
I guess the reason it annoys me most is that I am the total opposite of that. I like to believe I am a kind and compassionate person and I wouldn't lead anybody on, let alone ghost them
a little over a month, i wouldn't get so hung up on it or him, maybe he's just not that into you?
onwards and upwards
I would accept that he just wasn't that into me, in fact if he texted me now to tell me he wasn't that interested or had met someone else I wouldn't really care.
What irritates me is the lack of honesty, despite insisting that he is 'an incredibly honest man'. It's so rude and disrespectful. These are grown men FGS!
it's four or five weeks, maybe he doesn't know if he wants to spend the rest of his life with you?
I don't think his behaviour is dishonest, i just think you're a bit needy
It's not about wanting to spend the rest of our lives together. Maybe I am just terribly old fashioned but I think after 3-4 dates you know whether you want to seriously pursue someone or not. I personally wouldn't string loads of men along for months on end until I had chosen 'the one'.
I think that saying to someone that you "aren't looking for sex with anyone else" "can't wait to see them again" "love spending time and talking with them", as well as many other compliments and pleasantries... then still actively talking to other women on POF over talking to the person you supposedly 'can't wait to see again' is dishonest.
I'm with you on this one OP. I hate this modern trend of thinking it's Ok to just disappear, rather than tell someone you don't intend to pursue a relationship with them. It's not a coversation anyone enjoys, but it's basic human politeness to do it.
However, in the last week he has stopped texting me almost completely and we will now exchange maybe 2-3 messages a day.
See, that strikes me as being plenty. I would start to feel claustrophobic, if someone was texting me more than that during the day. I can understand more frequent texting at the very start of a relationship, when you're finding out about each other, but 5 dates in I think you can ease off with the texts. Demanding lots of communication can sometimes appear needy, I think. Why don't you go out on Monday, see how that goes and take it from there? Talk about how you feel the way you have on here, if need be. Nothing worse for relationships than an elephant in the room! Good luck, op.
Men tell you what you want to hear, he's testing the waters and you wanted him to tell you he isn't just interested in a quick shag.
POF is literally notorious for being a site for hook ups. You should try a more reputable one maybe?
Again with the whole 'modern dating rules' BS, I feel like asking him about what is going on after a month and a half of dating is too soon. Although again - from my perspective - if you have known someone for over a month and are serious about them you wouldn't want to actively look to meet anyone else. At least that is how I feel.
I haven't really been demanding a lot of communication, if he doesn't reply to my message I won't message him again until he does.
To be honest I think it's the saying one thing to me, yet going on POF to chat to other women which is irritating me the most. Don't make out I am the best thing since sliced bread but still be looking to see if you can find someone better. If you want to date multiple women at once, fine but bloody well say that.
You clearly don't think he's the best thing since sliced bread. So tell him.
It cuts both ways. You're wanting him to say he's not interested in you. Maybe he's just not sure. Like you not knowing if you want to meet up on Monday or not.
I think him still accessing POF whilst ignoring my messages speaks volumes really. I just don't think I am cut out for modern dating
Yes, but maybe he's not actually ignoring you? Maybe he's just doing something else?
I know what you mean about modern dating. I couldn't get on with it. Too much accidental stalking! If you couldn't see what he was doing when he isn't talking to you, it wouldn't be an issue.
I know he is ignoring my messages because I can see he is online on WhatsApp and also POF. So he would see via his phone notification that I had sent him a message.
I totally agree about OLD. Too much room to be paranoid and insecure. But I guess in a way its good because at least you are able to somewhat deduce whether or not someone is leading you on
Par for the course OP. I've been ghosted even after six months of dating! It's the rudeness and disrespect that really gets under my skin. If you've really decided you've had enough of being dicked around, just ghost him right back and find someone else.
I'm just sick of it. It's left me feeling like all men are just opportunistic idiots.
Play them at their own game I say. I would ghost him first. I know that sounds childish but, it sounds like with OLD you have to play the game. If you start talking to someone, play it really cool until you're sure they are 100% interested. Assume most men are only after one thing.
My friend did OLD for a while and she had the same thing with a guy. They messaged for weeks, he told her VERY intimate/personal secrets and he was supposed to come to her home town to meet. Then, suddenly, he just stopped messaging her. Just like that. He's still active on the site though so he didn't die or anything!
Or another guys she was messaging for a while, got on really well, messaged lots and all looked good. Then came the dick pic!!! blocked.
I thought I was playing it cool, to be honest he came on a lot stronger than me! He continued talking to and seeing me even after I said that sex was a no go for a while, so I believed he genuinely liked my personality.
I just don't understand why you would come on so strongly, be so complimentary, share intimate details and moments with someone... then still be looking on POF and starting to ghost them! Just seems so pointless and a total waste of time.
Of course he's ignoring the OP, she can see he's online checking out other women on POF.
OP, you don't have to go along with this plain rudeness really; he told you he wants a relationship but probably in reality he's trying to screw as many woman as he can off the site.
I agree with you, after so many dates as adults you know if you want to pursue it as a relationship so if I was you I'd chalk this one up as another waste of time.
Don't give up though, try another site, POF is notorious for being full of married men looking for easy shags.
Adora10 It just sucks that I have effectively wasted a month of my life (but thank god no more) on this man who clearly had no intentions of being in a relationship. It even says on his profile that he is looking for 'long term' commitment!
I think I will try a couple of different sites, but to be honest I am not holding out much hope. I am fed up of investing time, money and effort to just be shown so little respect in return.
come on so strongly, be so complimentary, share intimate details and moments with someone... and then ghost ....
I don't know why either OP.
I have come to think that all the above means nothing to these men. Its really no sign of anything at all! And I agree with you OP, it messes with your head. If a man isn't sure (or a woman for that matter) you can go on dates and keep things light and just see how things develop, its the respectful thing to do if you are seeing how things are going.
Go on that date and talk to him, openly and honestly. It doesn't have to be deep and meaningful but just ask the question and decide where you want to go there.
OLD can drive you both mad if you're not careful. You're going on to POF to see when he was last active. What if he's going on to see when YOU were last active, and has seen you're on there regularly (unbeknownst to him, only checking on him) and is taking a step back because you don't seem as keen as him?
Stranger things have happened at sea, but you won't know unless you ask.
And if he IS a ghosting dick, then you can move on knowing you've not missed out on a goodun thanks to a misunderstanding.
Good luck OP.
The same thing happened to me OP, but not on POF. He stopped responding so I looked on Skype, he was on there; I looked on the dating site and I could see him on there (you know like online status thingy). He was actually ignoring me because he met someone else (I found this out later).
I agree, why say these things when they don't mean them or are unsure? I would call his bluff. Say to him that you've noticed the decline in communication and that he is continuing to utilise the dating site, so if he doesn't want to go exclusive now after one month of dating, you'll be parting ways. If he is interested he should jump to and if not as you say, at least you have not wasted more time.
The thing I do think with all this is it's emotionally draining! I find it quite exhausting keep doing down that road of getting to know someone, sharing yourself with them (don't mean sexually necessarily) and prioritising them a bit only to have them suddenly do this. It's hard.
Thank you all for your messages. I am feeling better about it now I've had a chance to reflect.
I have decided that I am going to ring him later and ask him exactly what is going on. I don't really want wait until Monday and go on a date with him, only to have wasted even more of my time. He could be thinking exactly what GeekyWombat has suggested, although I am doubtful. How 'busy' he has been lately coupled with the lack of texts but POF activity leads me to believe he is no good.
I will update the thread to let you know what transpires.
Join the discussion
Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.Register now
Already registered with Mumsnet? Log in to leave your comment or alternatively, sign in with Facebook or Google.
Please login first.