By default (my father moving away with his wife and my young half siblings) I have ended up being the only family member my great aunt, who is in her 80s has locally, and have ended up taking care of her. She is independent and capable in terms of taking care of herself but walks with a stick and has medical issues so can't go out alone without my help, and also needs me to do errands for her, shopping, taking for medical appointments etc, which is fine and I don't mind.
However, she has got more and more demanding over time, and I feel totally takes me for granted. I have two primary school aged DC, a job, a home, DH and I have a business, and although I ring her every day I simply cannot go over to her house every day and do things for her; I usually try to see her/take her out/do errands for her every other day. However this isn't good enough and she seemingly will pull any trick now to get me over there, such as pretend she's had a fall then when I get there she's fine, and this weekend as I had a day out planned she phoned me first thing on the day crying and saying her hot water wasn't working. We got there and she'd turned off the switch that operates the hot water. Or she will ring and say she's run out of milk and can I get her some if it's a day I'm not going over, so I'll get her some, drive to hers (she lives 10 miles away from me), and she'll have loads!
She has loads of friends in her village but doesn't like people in the house so won't have them over for coffee even though people are always phoning her. She won't have home helps, won't consider moving into sheltered housing, had a cleaner once a week but decided not to have a cleaner anymore. She won't go to any of the groups for older people in her village.
She completely takes me for granted and always asks after DH and the kids and says how wonderful other family members are but never shows me any appreciation, and moans the whole time I'm with her. Everything is also a drama with her; she will book a doctors appointment then purposely tell me the wrong time so I get there and she'll say 'Oh no we've got two hours yet, lets go for coffee'. It takes up my whole day! If I ever phone her and say I can't go that day as I'm ill (I'm getting a lot of migraines lately) she'll start crying and saying 'It's my fault, I've made you ill', so I feel obliged to go over still.
Worst of all is the constant comments on my appearance. As soon as I get to her house she looks me up and down and comments on everything about my appearance, ranging from pointing out my flaky scalp to pointing out any new spots I've got, asking if all my clothes are new and how do I afford all these new things, commenting on root regrowth on my hair, that my big toe is 'fat'. Everything!!
She doesn't have dementia as she has always been like this, and I understand that she is old and lonely (her husband died 3 years ago), but equally my life and kids matter too and I feel she is so demanding and it's making me stressed constantly.
My dad is mediocre with his support; he'll tell her he's coming up for the day to take her out then be too tired or busy and just won't come, and I've told him all this but he says he'll talk to her about perhaps moving into sheltered housing, but he never does!
How can I set boundaries or has anyone got any other useful advice to help the situation as it's just making me so stressed.
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How to set boundaries with demanding elderly relative?
ClearlyUnlikeable · 18/05/2017 12:43
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