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Telling a date about DC?

(16 Posts)
butterybiscuitbassx Thu 18-May-17 00:51:35

Hey guys just looking for some advice really.

I'm 24 and have been a single parent ever since I was pregnant with my DC who's now 2. I now finally feel ready to start going on a few dates. Tbh I'm not looking for anything serious just a bit of fun really and to just go out! I've arranged to meet a guy through OD next week which I'm really excited about. We've been chatting for a bit, but I haven't mentioned that I have a child.

Note: I'm not in any way looking for a person who's going to be a dad figure for my DC. She has her dad who she sees every week. I'm literally just looking for something casual for me at the moment. Just to get myself back out there.

I just feel a bit uncomfortable telling complete strangers that I have a young child, just incase they turn out to be weirdos or something.

I'm just asking am I being a bit of a dishonest dickhead? I wouldn't want any guy involved in her life so do they really need to know for the first few dates? Obviously if things got more serious then I'd speak about her. But tbh I'm just looking at something really relaxed for now.

Or should I just get over myself and just be upfront from when we first start chatting online.

Advice much appreciated smile

LellyMcKelly Thu 18-May-17 01:14:12

Yes, your DC is the most important part of your life. I'd tell him before I met him TBH. If it's a deal breaker then he's not the one for you and you've found out before it becomes important.

HildaOg Thu 18-May-17 01:15:33

I'd video call first to make sure he's not a 'weirdo'... Don't give him your address, workplace or access to social media until you meet and know one another.

Be honest and tell him about the child before you meet. I've never had someone see that as an an absolute no but for some it will be and I can imagine that for others, not being upfront will make them distrust you.

Aquamarine1029 Thu 18-May-17 01:18:54

I think you should absolutely tell a potential date that you have a child. The two of you are a package deal. Why waste time with someone who doesn't want involvement with a person who has a child? Also, I don't think it's fair to the other party that you're hiding the fact that you're a mum. Not wanting to date someone with kids does not make them a bad person. It's a lifestyle preference. Honesty is the best policy.

motheroreily Thu 18-May-17 06:25:56

I agree definitely tell them before you meet. If they don't want to date someone with kids that's fine, but you're not the one for them.

user1486956786 Thu 18-May-17 06:35:52

I'm on the fence here. If you are just looking for fun I wouldn't necessarily keep it total secret and lie as such but I wouldn't see a need to make a big reveal either.

If you want to tell him perhaps you could just drop it into conversation , on the weekend I did X with my daughter/son ,

user1486956786 Thu 18-May-17 06:37:43

lots of people say they don't want to date someone with kids (me included) but when you really like someone it's amazing how you can change your opinion :-) talking from first hand experience

Leavesandburies Thu 18-May-17 06:40:24

Surely they will social media stalk you in advance and see your child there?? That's what I'd dogrin

If possible though I'd try to hide child when reaching out for dates but would tell them once date was in the diary before we met.

WinchestersInATardis Thu 18-May-17 06:54:17

I think if you're not looking for anything serious, as you've mentioned then I'm not sure it matters.
I'm in the same boat. Divorced, young DC and not after a serious relationship, but do like a little male company 😁
I'd drop it into conversation but tbh it's part of the date/relationship where you work out what you want from each other i.e. just sex, bf/gf relationship.
Unfortunately, there are a lot of men out there who assume a single mother is looking for a replacement dad to provide for children (And tbh there are enough women in OLD who are that it's not entirely unfair of them to be cautious)
That said, I've been casually dating for a few years now and it's never been an issue. However, I keep that side completely separate, and generally prefer a 'friends with benefits' arrangement and am quite open about not wanting anything more. My fwb have been aware of the DC, none have ever met them.
If anything ever turned serious, then that would be different.

butterybiscuitbassx Thu 18-May-17 06:55:50

The thing is I'm chatting to a few people at the moment and they all want to meet at some point which is great, but I duno I just feel highly anxious about telling complete strangers who we might not even connect with on a 1st date that I have a child.

I think I feel this way because my friend had a horrible OD experience recently where the her date didn't go too well and the guy ended up harassing her a bit. She has a DC same age as mine and it got a bit scary for her. Obviously that's probably a really rare occurrence but it's left me a bit nervous about it.

I get what your all saying though about being honest upfront though it's the right thing to do.

Do you think it'd be ok of me to mention I have a child when I actually meet him? Obviously if I don't feel a connection on our date then I won't tell him and I'll just not see him again.

Bluebellsagain Thu 18-May-17 06:58:24

I had this issue recently and I ended up really liking the guy. I told him about my 2yo dd after a month and he wasn't put off at all. I actually wish I had done it sooner, but I'm glad I didn't before he had got to know me a bit. Things are going amazingly with him and he's more than fine about dd. Good luck!

butterybiscuitbassx Thu 18-May-17 07:01:10

@WinchestersInATardis thanks for your post! That's exactly how I feel about it all. I'm literally looking for a casual relationship and I'd like to keep my DC completely separate from it.

Obviously if things developed into something more serious yeah that's different but I literally haven't been on a date for nearly 3 years now! I'm just looking for a bit of company haha!

WinchestersInATardis Thu 18-May-17 07:16:20

Try not to overthink it. Just one date is just one date. And tbh, if you're a woman online who's not looking for serious, then it's pretty much a man buffet.
If you're not interested in him, there are plenty more where he came from.
If you're worried about weirdos, I think you can eliminate 90% from profiles/chatting.
Anyone who whinges about time wasters, or women not going for nice guys is automatically a no. I also shut down conversation with anyone who gets pushy or too sexual early on.
That said, a good match can be other single parents. They understand your priorities and won't be bothered by you having children.
I should probably say that I'm a good 15 years older than you, so my demographic is probably different. There are a lot more divorced dads in my age group!

Boooring Thu 18-May-17 07:17:54

Yes just mention it casually in passing before you meet. Don't make a big deal of it. I don't always mention it as at my age it is assumed I have children smile as do just about all the men I have ever met over the years.

butterybiscuitbassx Thu 18-May-17 07:25:28

Yeah in an ideal world it would be good to meet a single dad in the same boat. It's finding them that's the problem in my age group!

Thanks for your advice though much appreciated!! Yeah I know I'm definitely overthinking everything. I've literally dedicated the past few years looking after my DC and now she's that bit older (and finally sleeps through the night) that I can actually go out and have a bit of me time grin

ShatnersWig Thu 18-May-17 08:00:53

Even if you only want, in effect, a fling/friend with benefits situation, I still think you need to tell them because presumably you will be limited as to how often you could meet, when you could meet, where you could meet (you may not want him in your house while your child is upstairs sleeping etc).

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