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Crisis of confidence feel like I am annoying everyone

(7 Posts)
PookieDo Wed 17-May-17 22:03:28

Possibly I am being a needy bitch.

For context I try to be a good friend/partner/family who listens to other people's problems and gives advice. I try to always make a conversation 2 sided - asking questions of them too and listening.

I understand about myself that when I feel stressed about things I need reassurance sometimes. But not just lip service, but because people do actually care/are interested.

So currently I am stressed out about a number of things: work, study, money and my health. These things don't seem to have a finite finish date on them when any of the stress will be resolved and I am not a wallower I am a do-er. So if something is wrong, I will try to fix it. But as I can fix any of these things I recognise I am becoming more needy and self obsessed and now I am paranoid that everyone is sick of talking to me about these things and if they do respond, they just say 'oh never mind' and because this isn't very fulfilling, or stress relieving, I talk about it more and more because I am probably looking for something I can't find?
Does this make sense?

So how can I stop driving myself mad, and everyone else around me?

Margo3791 Wed 17-May-17 22:18:21

I think that when we have a problem or are stressed about something in particular, we might become a bit obsessed with the situation and when we meet someone, talking about it is a good way to relieve that mental stress. However, it can be very draining on our audience to hear us going over and over the same problem/s. We need to concentrate in solutions, even if they are long term.

Another technique is to try to focus our thoughts somewhere else, so when you can hear your stressful thoughts, instead of talking about them, talk about something else, something silly or trivial, or make a joke, so as to take yourself mentally somewhere else, especially when talking to friends. Remember friends are friends, not therapists. They can listen to your problems, but they also need a break from them too.

Optimist1 Wed 17-May-17 22:21:10

I really understand your need to vent to friends, and good friends will want to help in whatever way they can. You recognise that there aren't any quick fixes for your current worries, so realistically all the friends can do is listen to you vent.

Would it be possible for you to shift your view of meetings with friends to primarily enjoyable social occasions with a minimal amount of update on your troubles, instead of a vent-fest? It might actually make you feel better about your life in general (I've got all these bad things happening, but at least I've had a laugh this evening sort of thing). I don't mean that harshly, and speak as someone who should reach out more to friends than I actually do. Somewhere between you and me is probably the ideal.

As a final thought, your health issues are probably the most important of those you list - make sure you're getting all the professional help you can to get these addressed effectively. (Apologies if you're already doing this!)


PookieDo Wed 17-May-17 22:39:15

This is really helpful because I recognise that if I can't fix them no one else can either. I think I just feel frustrated and alone and irritating and that adds to the stress!

I had a typo above it should have said that I currently can't fix any of the issues that I have - I'm either waiting on actions of others or other events now, so my 'role' is finished at present in trying to resolve things. I don't like people to see me as a whiny person with a load of problems but that is what I am at the moment so either I avoid people or I am always apologising to them for it.

Health wise I have done all I can, waiting for further action. I'm stressed about outcomes but people seem to be quite understanding about health issues although mine have seemed to have built up into quite a number so I am always ill, or tired.

Work study and money are also big things that I can't seem to just put in a box because they are my whole life in some respects.

I just want to be happier and healthier and less whingy. It's really getting on top of me and I'm finding it very hard to be positive about anything

Flora171 Wed 17-May-17 23:01:40

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

PookieDo Wed 17-May-17 23:19:27

Thanks for your offer but I don't lack motivation to change. I'm waiting for surgery and have job stresses going on and feel a bit sorry for myself about it

ocelot7 Wed 17-May-17 23:36:56

With lots of stresses in yr life I think its important to spend some time doing fun & relaxing things to give you a break from it eg a massage, film, meeting a friend for a coffee, a visit to a green place.
It would be good if you could take your mind off it when you are with friends rather than reprising the same discussion. There is probably nothing your friends can do to change the situation so after initial advice they are probably at a loss what more they can say

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