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Under so much pressure

(5 Posts)
coffeeisnectar Wed 17-May-17 21:11:47

Dp and I have been together for over five years now but known each other for a lot longer.

When we got together I had been single for 7 years and he had been separated for 2 years after his wife left with their dc. My dc and I moved in with him (we lived over 400 miles away at the time) and we got engaged. All good, my kids happy, his happy.

Their divorce was not happy. It was awful. And dp had a bad accident a couple of weeks before the final hearing. It was put back and then he got a letter saying that he had to attend on the next date or pay her court costs. So he attended, very poorly and with no solicitor as we were utterly broke. The court ordered the FMH be sold, awarded her 75% of the house and ordered dp to pay her costs from his share.

So we were homeless, broke and neither of us were working. We were on ESA (I am long term disabled) and life was dreadful. We were surviving on charity handouts to pay the mortgage while the house was up for sale, for food and to pay our bills. It took 6 months for benefits to be sorted by which time we were in debt.

We luckily got offered a private rental through friends quite nearby but now found that we were paying three times what we were paying for a mortgage. And still no work. Although please note that once our benefits actually started paying he was paying CMS for his child.

In the last three years it's been hard, dp couldn't work for over two years after his accident, he got an insurance payout but that's paying the rent. We can't touch that or we will be homeless again. He has applied for many jobs but his health and age go against him. He has qualifications but he's finding it so difficult to find anyone to give him a chance. He is signed onto an agency and gets the odd driving job but is averaging an income of £90 a week. He told his oldest dc (adult) about the agency work and she has told his ex. His ex is now demanding all payslips to re-evaluate the CMS. We can't afford to pay anymore. We have nothing left as it is.

We are living on:

child tax credits for my youngest dc
PIP for me
cb for my dc
The odd agency work
His war disability pension

Totals around £1100 a month. Our rent is £1000 a month. We have bills, we need food.

So the CMS are now hounding him to demand he pays more. DP is on the verge of a breakdown. Combat Stress are coming out to see him tomorrow. He has PTSD and is really, really struggling with depression. His ex stopped all contact with their youngest dc two years ago and he is really down about that. He has tried repeatedly to get contact but is repeatedly told 'they don't want to see you'. Dc is 13.

I just don't know what to do. We can't live here indefinitely. The money is going to run out. He can't find a job. We have nowhere else to live, council waiting list is massive, all our family and friends live here, we both grew up in this area. This is a cheap rent compared to others in the area. I am just in total despair. My youngest dc has ASD which doesn't help as they won't cope with yet another house move.

I'm just so down and so is he.

Kittencatkins123 Wed 17-May-17 21:49:24

Can you get any housing benefit? Are you on the council housing list? Can family and friends help at all? Others will have more advice about the money stuff. Sorry OP it sounds very hard. The rent is pretty high - would it be an option to move further out where rent is cheaper or not really? flowers

Naicehamshop Wed 17-May-17 22:02:59

Have you tried contacting Citizens Advice - they surely could help if only to make sure that you are getting all the benefits you are entitled to.

I'm so sorry - it sounds very hard. flowers

MycatsaPirate Wed 17-May-17 22:55:45

Moving out of the area isn't really an option. It would mean a massive commute to let Dd continue at her school, I'm reluctant to move her to a third school in five years tbh.

We aren't entitled to any other benefits due to having money in the bank. Obviously once the money runs out we will get all sorts of help but that's not really helping now and our savings are draining rapidly.

His ex pushing for more money has really tipped dp over the edge. She left and took cash from the joint account (which was already overdrawn), the endowment (£25k) and when his parents died and left him money he handed over half (£22k). Then she got 75% of the house and no costs to pay. She then upped and moved in with her bf miles away, stopped contact for his dc and has done nothing but demand money ever since. There is no more to give. It's just soul destroying. She's had everything.

We have enough money to pay rent for another year and I don't know if his ex would take that in settlement for all future child maintenance which would solve the benefits problem while also stopping her from constantly stressing dp out. I doubt she'd accept it but at this point I'm willing to try anything. It would work out more than she'd get if we continue as we are but would lift a huge weight from dp's shoulders. He really is struggling massively. I am hoping combat stress will offer him a residential course tomorrow. He needs proper help. He's never violent or angry, he just shuts down and it's hard seeing him like this.

coffeeisnectar Wed 17-May-17 22:56:48

Crap, failed to nc.

Sorry, meant to add, we are on the council list but they don't see us a priority. 10 years plus.

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