Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

How do I end it?

(9 Posts)
Illegitimate90sBaby Wed 17-May-17 18:16:53

Pretty sure I'm going to end things with STBXP.
He's been emotionally and sexually abusive. Don't really wanna out myself on here but we've been together for quite a few years with 1 DC who's still a toddler.
Things took a turn for the worse when DC was 5 months old I got pregnant again. I had PND and really not coping very well. I never wanted to have to go through a termination and never really agreed with them, but that's what we decided to do. I know it was the right choice but that never made it easier. I was distraught.

I was so down, I couldn't feel anything at all. I felt very clingy towards OH and wanted him to be around all the time, he made me feel safe. I didn't want sex - just comfort and affection from him.
I went out with friends one night to let my hair down, and maybe I did a bit too much. I can't even remember getting home, all I remember is crawling my stairs and passing out on the bed.
Next morning I woke up naked and on top of the bed sheets. OH said we had sex. I can't remember. He said I kept passing out because I was so drunk so we didn't have sex for very long. My sex drive then took a massive dive. I couldn't stand the thought of having sex or being touched. Took me about a month to realise what had actually happened - he'd violated me. I wasn't in any condition to consent, he was completely sober. It's taken me so long to understand that in a normal relationship, he would have probably helped me into bed and put a glass of water and a bucket out.

I tried to 'get over it' because I wanted what we had. I tried to force myself through sex because I knew that's what he wanted and thought it would make us closer.
I cried every single time afterwards.

A few months ago (I was on sleeping tablets prescribed by GP) I woke up in the middle of the night and he was touching me and himself. I froze because I couldn't believe what was happening to me.

I never sleep well because I'm so worried to wake up and find it happening again.
My family comment on how tired I look and I have to blame my DC. I feel terrible.

Sorry for the extremely long post. I'll probably delete it soon. I just need to vent because I have no one IRL that I feel I could tell all this too.

Hopefully I'll have the courage and strength to end things tonight.
Well done if you made it this far.

BlahBlahBlahEtc Wed 17-May-17 18:21:38

I have no advice but I just want to say how sorry I am that you've been through and are going through something so awful. flowers

mysinkingheart Wed 17-May-17 18:38:09

You're doing the right thing..stick with it and life will be so much better. Very sorry too, don't look back flowers

mysinkingheart Wed 17-May-17 18:41:29

Oh and you don't have to explain why, he clearly doesn't get it or none of it would have happened. Just split up if you think he'd try and suck you in/manipulate you/guilt you. He's not good for your DC either. You don't need to rationalise it for him. It's just over.x

Secretlife0fbees Wed 17-May-17 19:49:22

You poor thing, you've been through so much. Your DP should have been there for you every step of the way but instead he took complete advantage of your vulnerability. That is an utterly shit thing to do, talk about kicking you when you're down...
fuck him. End it. Keep posting on here, you'll get a lot of support. Hope it goes ok tonight and try and stay strong. flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 17-May-17 19:54:06

If he's emotionally abusive I wouldn't tell him it is over tonight. Why not tell yourself it is over then start getting your ducks in a row. Only tell him when there is an action to take, like handing him the papers from the solicitor.

If you tell him tonight you are then in a limbo situation where he starts working on you and you find it is at least a couple of weeks before you even get the first introductory appointment with the first solicitor you might use. Keep him calm and not suspecting while you get your practicalities sorted out.

Secretlife0fbees Wed 17-May-17 20:20:32

Runrabbit might be right.... unless you think he'd leave tonight anyway? You're not married I take it? What about your living situation? Mortgage/rent etc?
You know him better than us but it might be worth getting a real plan sorted in advance so that he's less likely to be able to manipulate you round to his way of thinking.... either way, kick the tosser to the kerb. Good luck x

C0untDucku1a Wed 17-May-17 20:25:30

Do you work? Is your home tented or mortgaged? Could you go to your family?

Illegitimate90sBaby2 Wed 17-May-17 20:51:10

Grrr Mumsnet keeps signing me out!
Thanks for your replies flowers he's not home yet.
We live in a rented accommodation and both our names are on the tenancy, but I'm pretty sure he'd leave. Maybe not tonight but that's ok, it will probably be a shock for him. I know he'll cry, he'll beg and probably try and manipulate the situation.

I'm worried I won't go through with it, or that I'll end up saying something like 'Ok one last chance for us' but I know it's never going to work. I think I've made my peace with that. Still doesn't stop me tearing up just thinking about it though.

We aren't married either. We don't really own anything other than our furniture. I don't work I care for DC until he starts school next year. I've already calculated what benefits I'd be entitled to if I were a single parent living where I am now and I'd be ok financially. I didn't include any child maintenance from him in my calculations either. I do think he'll pay, although I'm not sure how much. He makes around 2k a month. I wouldn't want to move out with my DC plus I don't really have anywhere to go. I don't like the area we live in or my neighbours but my only option for long term affordable rent is council housing but not sure how much of a priority I'd be, given that I'm not being forced out of my home and my benefits would cover it.

It's all such a huge adjustment and I'm scared.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now