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Would this piss you off? What would you do?

(21 Posts)
endoftether12 Wed 17-May-17 11:03:00

I am fed up of my partner constantly messaging women from his work. I had our baby 12 days ago and throughout labour and pretty much any time I look at him, he is on his phone either looking at random people on facebook or messaging these women from his work. He is 36 and the women (2 of them) are about 22. The messages to one are her asking for interview advice, the context of them isn't flirty or anything but I feel like he is flattered by her asking for advice. There is literally pages upon pages of messages. None of which even ask how me and the baby are. The other women who is a friend of his, we have argued about in the past. They message each other a lot- the messages are apparently jokey, comments(from her) like 'I love you so much, you are my best friend at work. Miss you so much...can't wait to see you back at work, we need to go for lunch together'. His replies aren't as flirty but still have loads of xxx's on the end and says 'miss you too' etc.
Apparently I am unreasonable to be annoyed by this... as he would 'never cheat and nothing going on, it is just how she talks' so I don't need to be jealous! I am not jealous, I am fucking angry that while I am sat feeding our baby, rocking, changing etc he is sat with his phone in hand getting thrills from the fact younger women are giving him the time of day. As an aside, I am doing a lot more with the baby than he is, I lost a lot of blood at the birth, have stitches which are sore and although I feel like I am coping well I feel like I am getting no support from him. I am still doing all the washing, cleaning etc as well and most of the night feeds. I just feel how he appears to others is so much more important to him than how he appears to me. He spends ages on facebook looking at how many likes and comments he has and ages replying to them. I find it all so pathetic. I am starting to resent him.

tammytheterminator Wed 17-May-17 11:05:49

What value is he adding to your life?

Joysmum Wed 17-May-17 11:06:52

There's 2 aspects here:

1) is the messaging inappropriate?
2) is he investing far more into his friendships than he is in you and his baby?

Does he show as much interest in you and your thoughts and feelings? Does he reassure you as much as he reassures them? Is he as nice and polite to you as he is to them?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Wed 17-May-17 11:08:20

Explain to him that as a df your baby comes before his phone. .
If he is so committed to his phone you suggest he finds a flat and hope they will be very happy.
Otherwise he needs to grow the fuck up and show responsibility and commitment to you both!!

endoftether12 Wed 17-May-17 11:29:06

I think the messaging is a bit inappropriate yes, I wouldn't be messaging a man saying I missed them and couldn't wait to see them while I was at home with ny partner who has recently given birth. It is the sheer volume of the messages though.
I have just read out my post to him, in desperation trying to get him to realise how he is making me feel. He says he 'will try to stop messaging as much'. He doesn't get it. We have had this in the past with other women, early in our relationship he carried on messaging women who he has spoken to online and didn't stop (or admit he had a girlfriend to them for months). Took ages to get him to stop as he didn't want to 'appear rude to them'. I just feel so angry and frustrated that I am not being taken seriously.
I think things seem worse today as I had a bad night with the baby last night and hormones are all over the place. I feel like he is ruining what should be one of the most special times of our life. Our baby girl is so lovely and placid (most of the time!) and I am really enjoying being a mum but feel a bit alone. Feel really sorry for myself today!

Happybunny19 Wed 17-May-17 11:48:52

Massively disrespectful, he's being a complete are and probably is flattered by all the attention. "Accidentally " drop his phone down the toilet and show him how to work the washing machine. He's supposed to be supporting you and your new born. Congratulations on LO btw flowers

endoftether12 Wed 17-May-17 11:58:02

I am so tempted to launch his phone out of the window. I probably sound like a bit of a pushover but I am not the someone who needs a man or who will cling to a relationship for fear of being alone, I have told him this. But as parents I wanted to raise our child together and have a happy life! I love him (genuinely, not empty words) I love his personality and we do (did?!) have the same values and wants for the future. I thought we had a really strong relationship. I am so hurt though how he is acting with me at the moment. I keep feeling angry at the women but then I have a word with myself- they are single young women who to be fair can do what they want! It is him who is responsible for replying and encouraging it. It has all come to a head today as I am exhausted and everything seems worse when tired!

Emmageddon Wed 17-May-17 12:07:50

Congratulations on your baby daughter flowers

DH needs to get his act together and focus on his family, not his younger female colleagues. He sounds a bit needy with low self-esteem. Maybe he subconsciously resents the baby? Perhaps he's feeling left out.

DD is 12 days old. He needs to bond with her. Express some milk, give him baby and bottle, then take yourself for a bath and a nap.

If he's a genuinely nice man, he just needs a kick up the arse to start taking on his duties as a dad.

Adora10 Wed 17-May-17 15:42:17

So female work colleagues and FB are more important than you and the new baby; you really need to give him two barrels OP, it's extremely disrespectful.

DownTownAbbey Wed 17-May-17 16:14:25

He's a bit lame, isn't he? Angling for attention from multiple younger women? Playing devil's advocate the chemical response to getting likes and positive attention on Facebook is the same as getting a hit of love chemistry so people can literally fall in love with social media. Apparently. Even if he's in love with Facebook as opposed to attention from young women he needs to snap out of it sharpish before you resent him permanently.

mrholmes Wed 17-May-17 17:06:53

It would piss me off completely and I would find it innappropiate, disrespectful and so on. It bothers me that my partner can be on her phone too much, if she was doing this I would be having words.

Nobody needs to be on the phone with opposite sex this much when in a relationship and the women doing it are disrespecting your boundaries too.

I would not be putting up with it. Problem is he doesn't see anything wrong with it and I can imagine he doesn't want to and won't stop it.

I'm actually really pissed off sitting here that he's doing it and sees nothing wrong with it.

PovertyJetset Wed 17-May-17 17:09:35

He is a disrespectful arse hole!

AnyFucker Wed 17-May-17 17:13:16

He is a poor role model to his daughter, for sure

I am not sure ehat he brings to the table at all

CharlotteCollinsneeLucas Wed 17-May-17 17:14:31

What flapjacks said.

You could give him specific jobs to do, but he is not a teenager, so why should you have to?

WonderWhippet Wed 17-May-17 17:23:12

Did you mean to name change?

WonderWhippet Wed 17-May-17 17:24:46

I must admit I wouldn't put up with his behaviour - it's horribly disrespectful. How long have you been together?

endoftether12 Wed 17-May-17 17:30:39

This is what I keep saying, I said I need a partner where we support each other- if he was so upset by something I would be devastated. I was in tears this morning trying to make him see that by being on his phone so much he is disengaging from me and our daughter and just family life in general! I have no problem with him/me chilling out browsing the internet but not all the time! Anyway I hope he has realised... I feel like he has probably agreed to texting/facebooking less just to shut me up and it will be back to square 1 in a couple of days. He has anxiety so worries a lot what people think/never wants to appear rude by not replying straight away. Surely though even if I am being a little paranoid/insecure at the moment due to hormones/lack of sleep, he should want to look after me and not want to stress me out so much. I find the women disrespectful too, I wouldn't be messaging someone with a partner and a new baby. If he ever doesn't reply they send about 6 messages till he does! Anyway, thanks for your replies- it is nice that you all listened and took me seriously. I appreciate it.

Starlighter Wed 17-May-17 17:34:25

He sounds awful!!! I'd be fuming and would consider ending the relationship over it all.

These messages sound completely inappropriate and it's also unacceptable to continue when he knows it's making you uncomfortable, especially at this vulnerable time.

He should be supporting you and looking after you and the baby. His priorities are totally wrong.

Time for a serious chat, OP, this is not ok.

saltandvinegarcrisps1 Wed 17-May-17 17:40:51

He is being an arse. I hate it when people say " I'm allowed to have friends of the opposite sex" as an excuse for inappropriate behaviour. All that texting like teenagers. Ive got male friends and ive got male colleagues who i am friends with, if that makes sense. I would never send lots of texts, kisses, i love you etc. Tell him to get a grip, put the phone down and be a father.

Joysmum Wed 17-May-17 17:44:00

If he's spending much of his evening chatting on a device, you can ask him to compare what time and effort he's put into his online friendships that evening, and then ask how much time he's spent doing the same with you and your baby and ask if it's any wonder you're not happy with the disparity.

BluePeppers Wed 17-May-17 17:54:50

He is an arse and the issue isn't even the fact the is gouged on his phone.
Itsbthe fact he isn't remotely interested in yu and the baby. It's the fact he should be proposing to donthe HW, ask if you need something and get up to pick up the baby when he cries.
It's the fact he could have started doing some ironing instead of being sat in his arse etc....

If he is so worried about what othera are thinking, why is he not worried about what YOU are thinking? I mean by all account this is what should be the most important, shouldn't it?

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