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How can I get my marriage/life back on track?

(12 Posts)
Amerettomilkshake Wed 17-May-17 10:07:54

Quick background, dh and I have been together for 27 years. He has been my first and only partner since I was 16.

Our teens and twenties were great, we both still lived at home till 26 and we had lots of fun, trips away, days out and money etc.

We married when I was 29 and had our dc at 32 and 35.

I will mentioned as I think it's relevant that I do and have always suffered from anxiety related issues. However, since having children I have very much suffered with anxiety, depression and low self esteem. I have been a sahm for that last 9 years and in hindsight this was probably a mistake because as much as I have loved being with my dc, I often feel isolated even though I do see friends regularly. I am trying desperately to get a job now, but am not having much luck.

However, it's my issues with dh which is really causing me problems. I do love him very much but he has become a real stick in the mud! He works very hard and we have a nice home and he works hard looking after everything but he is no longer the person he used to be. He used to go out with his mates, he had hobbies at the weekends etc but now he just works, comes home has dinner and watches tv and is always about at the weekends, he's always there. I would love to go out more, cinema, dinner out, concert etc but he's no longer interested. It's not money as we can afford it but he is constantly saving for the 'future' but fails to see there is a here and now too. I've asked him endless times to take a days leave to spend a day just the two of us (he gets a lot of AL) but always makes excuses and says he's saving it for the summertime when we can go out in our caravan with the kids. Which is great, I love our caravan and it will give our dc great memories but I feel we, as a couple need time together too (and not always in the bloody caravan!)
I really fear that my life is slowly morphing into my in-laws, for as much as I love them, they have to be the two most boring people on the earth, they don't do anything and fil was born old!!

At 44 I fear I am heading for a mid-life crisis and feel my life is going nowhere. I met someone a couple of years ago, didnt peruse anything, didn't let anything happen but can't get him out of my head which I am desperate to do! But also wonder what is love, I say I love dh because that's what I feel but never having had any other partners, how do I know?

Hopefully, when I get a job I can use the extra cash to have more fun times even if dh won't come along (although very much hoping he will)

Just pisses me off that he never initiates anything and if we do anything it's always my idea.

Can't help but feel my life is the equivalent of a beige Volvo estate:- safe, comfortable and reliable but bloody boring!!

I'm scared that it won't be too long before I'm looking across the sofa at a carbon copy of fil shock

josuk Wed 17-May-17 10:51:56

Hmm

First - wow. I don't know anyone who has been together this long and are still going.

Second - why do you need to get a job to go out on your own??!!!! Surely - just because your contribution to the family is SAHM - you are an equal partner here.

If he doesn't want to go out - and you do - go! Call up your friends and go. Or, you'll go crazy.
And who knows - he may want to come out one day too.

kerstina Wed 17-May-17 11:46:24

I could relate to a lot of what you said and I actually feel I have come out of the other side of a mid life crisis. Basically I learnt that I need to stop people pleasing ,assert my needs more but appreciate and be grateful for what you do have in your life. I have a lot in common with you anxiety / depression, long term relationship, caravan!

Amerettomilkshake Wed 17-May-17 13:16:44

Josh- I may have worded post wrong, I do/can go out but I want my Dh to want to come out and live a fun life too.
Kerstina - I really need to do the same, I have put my own needs aside for so long and now feel guilty for wanting a life but just need to assert myself and constantly tell myself I too deserve a full life, whether Dh wants that or not! Bloody difficult though!

niangua Wed 17-May-17 13:38:01

Same issue here. We're a decade younger but my DH has decided that's it, the fun's over. He's going to work (and never speak about it) and come home and work some more and ignore us all, never speak, never smile, never laugh. Once a lover of music, film, literature, theatre and so on, he now declares all those things 'pointless' and 'wastes of time', will not go out, doesn't want to see his friends, doesn't want to do. one. single. thing. Other than work.

So at first I tried to get him to enjoy living again, and he didn't want to - sat in bars sulking the music was 'loud' and the people 'too young', saw films he hated, etc - and now I'm just.... meh, fuck it. I got my life. I'll go live it without him.

So I go out, meet new people, learn new things, have good times. He sits at home with a face like a smacked arse.

I don't know what the future holds, but by god I'm not going to just sit around waiting to die for the next fifty years.

I guess my tip would be go and taste what life has to offer. Take some classes or attend events in your nearest city, check out Meetup.com and go for it. Once you can see what life really can be like outside your dull four walls with an elderly bloke fermenting on the sofa, it might clarify what you really want.

Amerettomilkshake Wed 17-May-17 14:30:18

Thank niangua, I'm going to rediscover a fun life with or without him. Hope you do too. God is this a man thing? Please someone tell me there are fun loving men out there?!

Adora10 Wed 17-May-17 17:07:02

Bloody sad when your life partner won't do social activities with you like dinner, cinema etc; to me I'd assume that as checking out of the relationship, it's all or nothing for me, I'd not stay around for scraps off him; instead of accepting this shit relationship tell him he either gets involved or you're done.

chestylarue52 Wed 17-May-17 19:09:15

Nothing to say except, don't let life pass you by. You don't have to split with your partner but do start doing the things you want to do - today!

There's a song lyric 'enjoy yourself, its later than you think'

If money isn't a huge problem then use some of it to take yourself out / away or retrain or whatever you really want to do

Don't feel guilty. It's your life.

Amerettomilkshake Wed 17-May-17 19:48:22

Thanks chesty that's too true and I know that song (listen to Simon Mayo every day).

RunRabbitRunRabbit Wed 17-May-17 20:07:24

My DH went through a deathly boring phase. I tried encouraging him to be less dull but all that did was make him resist more and it pissed me off. I can't be doing with managing another adult's behaviour so I gave up on that pretty quickly.

I went out a lot on my own, even when I didn't feel like it much, and got a couple of fun hobbies. He moaned that I was having fun and he wasn't. I ignored. He got jealous of my fun, there was bit of woe is me on my own at home. I ignored. Then he started joining in. Before long he was back to his old fun self. People get into weird ruts.

Amerettomilkshake Wed 17-May-17 21:17:38

Run, that's given me some hope, may have to try that tactic.

Flora171 Wed 17-May-17 23:05:24

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

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