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Is he delusional?

(35 Posts)
Dottydresses Wed 17-May-17 08:00:15

My (not so) Dh pretty much ended our marriage the other night. He told me he is done.

I am broken beyond belief.

These are some of the things he thinks:

1) marriage shouldn't take effort or the need to try - that it should all just happen instinctively- that we should be that in tune with each other everything just happens.

2) that arguments are a sign it is going bad - I've said it is healthy and normal to argue, it's what we do after that counts.

3) I should know what he is thinking and shouldn't have to ask "how are you / what's up etc etc" I should just KNOW

Please tell me that I am not the only one that thinks all the above is just ridiculous.
Love and life need constant effort and attention right?

I really do not understand and I really don't know what to do.
My world is falling apart.

Pieinatin Wed 17-May-17 08:09:10

I'm sorry to say this and obviously could be barking up the wrong tree but to me that sounds like he's just looking for excuses to end the marriage. Is this type of thought process normal for him?

TheNaze73 Wed 17-May-17 08:09:57

I don't actually think either of you are right or wrong, you just sound different. It's interesting you call him delusional, which does sound like it's your way or the highway.
All relationships are different, I look at my own parents, married 50+ years, hardly a crossed word, both so laid back, they're horizontal & it's effortless. I then see other relationships, that need constant work, the arguing (which is no bad thing) as you described & again that works for people.
No two relationships will be the same but, if neither of you are prepared to compromise, I think this is ultimately doomed. You see him as not caring & he probably sees you as hard work.
Neither of you are right or wrong, just different

ScarletForYa Wed 17-May-17 08:10:04

Sorry to hear this OP.

I think the 'reasons' he's given you might just be a cover story for the real reason. It sounds like a very silly, childish, romantic concept of what a relationship should be.

Has he been acting differently lately?

Could there be another woman, it seems a common tactic cheaters use, they think up spurious grounds for ending it. Usually blaming the wife, so she keeps busy questioning herself and is thrown off realising the real reason.

Pieinatin Wed 17-May-17 08:10:47

By thought process I mean with other things does he say if its not perfect its not right?

ShieldMaidenMamma Wed 17-May-17 08:12:25

Yeeeeeaah.. I'm sorry, but I agree with these guys. My first husband said a load of wobbly crap about why when he walked out, but it turned out he was mucking around EVERYWHERE.

outabout Wed 17-May-17 08:20:05

I am/was totally fed up of my wife telling me what I am thinking, which is/was usually wrong. SHE is (apparently) the emotionally intelligent one.
I would agree that there is something going on with the OPs relationship. Not really enough info to say what.

Dottydresses Wed 17-May-17 09:02:29

He has been acting differently. Apparently he has felt like this for nearly two years.
Everything I do seems to irritate him.
We've had so many discussions and I have taken on board what's been said. I've changed the way I do certain things, been more attentive. It is still not good enough.
I have had doubts about a EA but he says there is no one else.

We were due to start marriage counselling next week - which I hoped would be a start in us communicating again and getting back on track. He's just ended it... without giving it a chance.

ShieldMaidenMamma Wed 17-May-17 09:22:55

Just a thought- men who admit to affairs without having to get caught technically exist. Technically.

I'm not pushing this to make you feel bad, once I realised that was what had been going on I felt amazing. Like a new person. I could stop obsessing over blaming myself and wondering how the hell I'd apparently not been good enough. I wish you the best possible time in rediscovering yourself, and be careful of rebounds. flowers

hellsbellsmelons Wed 17-May-17 09:25:54

Aha - so he has changed.
He's made YOU do the work to improve things.
All the while he is shagging OW!
So no matter what you did it would never have been enough.
This is totally the cheaters script.
Deflect and blame you.
Re-write history.
It makes them feel better about being such disgusting shallow cheating scumbags.
Do you have DC?
I'd get to a solicitor pretty fast to find out where you would stand if you were to split.

LesisMiserable Wed 17-May-17 09:26:52

Right now OP, you have your integrity. Dont lose it. As women are always being advised on here, you dont need a reason to end a relationship it can just be that its not working for you anymore. This relationship doesn't work for your dh and most importantly he doesnt want to try anymore. His mind is made up and the slow withdrawal he's probably been attempting has come to an abrupt stop (as it always does, it has to). Your future isnt tied to anyone who doesnt want to be in it. Its excruciating but he isnt the one after all. You will be ok, one man isnt the be all and end of YOUR whole existence and life to come, remember that x

Changedname3456 Wed 17-May-17 09:26:59

It does sound a bit fairytale on his part, but we aren't getting his POV so it's difficult to know whether he's being completely unreasonable.

Was he in any other LTRs before the marriage? What's he comparing your marriage to?

I think if he's that set on ending things then the best you can do is try and deal with the financial implications and maybe get some counselling for yourself to deal with the stages of grief that'll follow once you mentally accept it's over.

Sorry, it sucks - been there, discarded the tshirt (for something much better, but not before a lot of time and turmoil had passed).

ShieldMaidenMamma Wed 17-May-17 09:34:51

discarded the tshirt

lol I full on burned the wedding dress. Eventually. Highly recommend it to persons who are both inclined and ready to do so.

Justdontgetitatall Wed 17-May-17 09:42:46

Marriage takes effort. Constant effort. It's not an award. All relationships require work.

Arguments are healthy and necessary to discover each other's boundaries

Asking how each other is, is perfectly normal and enables good communication between you both.

He IS deluded. Excuses/cover story or not, he is talking utter shit

LesisMiserable Wed 17-May-17 09:45:27

He's not delusional, he's simply talking the talk of the person who is resolutely exiting the relationship. Been on the end of it and also been the initiator. Its a catch all explanation for "this is over". Analysing it or deciding he's off his nut might be cathartic but its going to be fruitless. I'm sorry.

LucyLocketLostIt Wed 17-May-17 09:53:25

Listen to hellsbellsmelons. I think she's right. It's standard script.

I'm so sorry but you need to get to a solicitor asap.

You will get through this. Best of luck.

ijustwannadance Wed 17-May-17 09:57:28

He wants out and is looking to put all of the blame squarely on your shoulders.

NewLevelsOfTiredness Wed 17-May-17 10:06:11

You believe that relationships should be worked at, arguments shouldn't be slept on and couples should communicate instead of expecting psychic powers from each other?

Pretty sure most relationship therapists would score that as 100% correct. You were wasted on this guy. It hurts now, I get that, but you could be so much happier with someone who agrees on those points.

pallasathena Wed 17-May-17 10:08:47

Ascribing a mental health condition as an explanation for why he's leaving is an understandable attempt to rationalise the unthinkable. He's not delusional, he's done.
And some men do actually think like him, that things should be easy. Arguments are not for clearing the air but a sign of something wrong in the marriage.
Its linked to how they grew up I expect. Some families have no problem with full on rows, other families do the passive aggressive dance around the problem routine. Either way, it is what it is and number one priority is for you to be kind to yourself as you go through this period of sadness and hurt.
We've all been there OP and while the pain is gut wrenching initially, I get the feeling from what you've described of his character that you'll look back a year from now and heave a sigh of relief that he's gone. Be strong. (flowers)

Dottydresses Wed 17-May-17 10:09:47

Thank you for all the comments.
I feel heart broken. Absolutely heartbroken.

I never ever thought this would be us.
I need to think of our DD.

He swears there is no one else. I told him it would make more sense in my head if there was, because at the moment, I just don't understand. He's the last person I thought would ever do this to me. I feel sick at the thought of it.

Offred Wed 17-May-17 10:14:57

I don't think it matters.

You have been focusing on fixing yourself to fix the marriage.

He has told you he wants to leave the marriage.

You are still in fixing it mode so are hyperfocused on picking apart the reasons he has given.

The only thing you need to listen to is 'I'm done'. If there ends up being an OW or not, if his reasons are crap or not, he has told you it is over.

If he has an OW and his reasons are bullshit you will do yourself no favours trying to pick it apart and maintain this relationship. If his expectations are unreasonable then let him go and he will find out and you won't be spending time and energy trying to make yourself into a different person.

Dottydresses Wed 17-May-17 10:33:15

@Offred yes I have. I've started counselling sessions, I've been working on me to be stronger. But if he's done... I guess he's done.
I feel a fool.

Offred Wed 17-May-17 10:36:57

Don't feel a fool. There is no reason to. It sounds as if he has led you a merry dance OW or not and that makes him the fool - to waste the love of a good woman.

ZeroFeedback Wed 17-May-17 10:53:39

I can't offer any real advice, only my perspective.

It is possible that he has just come to the decision that things are not working for him and he needs to be 'independent'

There does not have to be an OW, the script or gas lighting.

There are innumerable threads on here from women who are just not happy or fulfilled in their relationships and do not have an OM or plans to get one soon.

There is one active one now asking about how long you give it for the little things to be too much with one poster saying she split even though 98% was great and 2% was not.

He may have an OW, he may not. It may make you feel better to think this and set out to prove it, it may not.

My heart goes out to you as it is the most awful way for this to happen imho.

Hope you find the strength to get a good break if that is possible and that you, DC and stbxh come out of this with as little fallout as possible. flowers

Gingerbreadmam Wed 17-May-17 11:00:00

i sometimes think these things about my own relationship and im not having an affair just for a different view on things.

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