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What do I do?

(10 Posts)
sadconfused Tue 16-May-17 22:41:11

Hi all,
I'm a regular but have nc'd for this.

My D(?)H just told me he is "this close" to getting a divorce, he can't bear this anymore, we are just strangers and what's the point of keeping it going.

I sat through his tirade stunned, saddened and relieved all at once.
I honestly don't know what to do. We've been married nearly 9 years, 3 DC (eldest is 8). We haven't had sex in about 4 years. H never wanted our third DC and actually suggested an abortion when we found out (it was unplanned) and I think things went downhill from then on.
Honestly I don't know if I still love him. Probably not. I don't find him physically attractive, and he has become very shouty and verbally aggressive over the years. He accuses me of being an 'ice queen' and never showing any affection or emotions, basically saying now that I've got my DC I don't need him anymore.
I'm currently a SAHM after having been made redundant about 5 years ago. I had been planning to part time study again for a career change, but obviously that would take a long time.
If we separated, I'd have to find a job straight away, wouldn't I? I have no idea how any of that works, the financial and legal side I mean. I think if I'm honest that, and the DC, is what has prevented me from taking any steps towards separation so far. I won't deny I have a financially comfortable life and I'm scared of what it would be like on my own.

I don't even know what kind of advice I'm after sad. But if anyone is there please talk to me.

FluffyWhiteTowels Tue 16-May-17 22:49:44

You sound so sad and I'm sorry to hear that. Do you want your life to continue as it is? What can you change ? I do t believe in offering advice without facts. I do think you need to chat with him

sadconfused Tue 16-May-17 22:54:08

Thank you Fluffy I'm sitting here feeling desperate sad
No, I don't want my life to continue as it is. I've become increasingly unhappy, but felt like this is what I'm stuck with now. That maybe this is just how life is.
The thought of being free of this miserable relationship is enticing; but I'm so frightened as I don't know how life would be 'on the other side'.

Justmuddlingalong Tue 16-May-17 23:03:11

Comfortably off and miserable or less well off and happy? The thought of jumping is generally more frightening than life after doing it. flowers

sadconfused Tue 16-May-17 23:09:41

Thanks Justmuddling.

I just don't know what to say to DH.
Or what to do now. He's gone upstairs to bed - I'd feel so awkward going to sleep in the same bed now. Besides my head's in such a muddle now.

Justmuddlingalong Tue 16-May-17 23:16:49

Don't feel awkward. Why the hell should he drop that bombshell and then go up to bed leaving you to feel upset and confused. Maybe have a warm bath and then get off to bed. Even if you can't sleep you need to rest your racing mind.

fiftyplustwo Wed 17-May-17 04:25:30

Seems a pity to break up just like that, without attempting to work it through first. People break up all the time, you constantly hear about children being juggled between single divorced parents looking for new partners and having to pay a "full-sized" home out of a single salary. And honestly, how many people over 40+ really are "attractive"? But that's just my view.....

user1486956786 Wed 17-May-17 07:00:18

Do you think you guys can attempt at working this out? 8 years of little ones is going to take a toll on any couple.

sadconfused Wed 17-May-17 10:40:21

I just don't know if we can 'work things out' or if this is it.

Truth is, I was never physically attracted to him - he was a nice, reliable and kind man, and I was desperate to settle down and start a family. Maybe I was kidding myself all along. What's changed is that he is no longer nice and kind, he's got a volatile temper and constantly gets angry, and while he is good with the kids I don't think he enjoys being a father.
Fifty I sort of have the same attitude as you when it comes to separation, I think that's why I'm struggling so much with this. I don't want to just throw my life away, but on the other hand it feels like I'm sacrificing 'myself' for the greater good.

H left early this morning so we didn't speak. I'm planning to write him an email today to explain how I feel, but I'm still unsure what to say / what I want.

MinorRSole Wed 17-May-17 11:14:27

I'm in a similar situation op and just can't work out what to do. I love my husband but he is so angry all the time and over such little things that I'm just exhausted with it. Grinds you down doesn't it?
If it helps at all I was massively attracted to him at the beginning but the outbursts are putting me right off him to be honest

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