Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

AIBU to be extremely upset by this?

(89 Posts)
elephantcuddles Tue 16-May-17 19:46:02

I need some perspective. I recently had to rent a car while visiting my partner. He lives with his parents because he can't afford to live on his own. HE can't can't drive.

His mom drove us to the car rental place. I had a very rude person helping me who was answering my questions in a snide and condescending way. I was feeling apprehensive about the whole rental because when I would ask questions, they would dance around the subject. I was asking about how big a scratch or dent would need to be for me to be charged for it because I'm driving in an area I don't know well and I want to be safe. I'm in a foreign country. The person was so rude that I got rude back and told them I felt like he was not answering me directly. I tried to communicate the question in another way and he just kept getting worse so I gave up. Then when I got outside to talk to the person who looks over the car rental with you, he answered my questions easily and made me feel much better.

During the entire time the other person (who was the manager) was being rude to me, my partner just sat there and did nothing. Of course I had to pay for the whole thing and he's not even planning to help me with petrol money. His parents have no issues with me spending money here on top of my plane ticket and moan and complain whenever he has asked them to drive us somewhere (which I hate doing.. I'm 30 ffs!)

i was upgraded to a nicer car than I paid for and I have no idea why. I assumed that it was because of the rude person helping me. I asked my partner not to tell his parents what I paid for the car (it was still a lot). Maybe I'm odd but I'm a private person and I don't like discussing money etc. I have had to pay for everything since coming here and he owes me a lot of money.

First thing when we got back to the house, he tells his parents that I got into an argument with the person at the car rental place and that they gave me a nicer car and that I paid x amount for it. His mother asked how much I paid for it. And he told her. I got so upset by all this. He mostly volunteered the info. Then he called me bipolar. He said he "forgot" that I asked him not to tell them.

He's been absolutely horrible to me. I am so depressed.

I just want to know what you think. He's now saying we aren't compatible and all this. He's called me a f***ikg bitch in the past week but begged me desperately to come here and that he would make things right this time.

On the way to car rental place I sat in back seat while he and his mother discussed all these people that I don't know from their hometown and that x person sold drugs etc. they talk amongst one another like I'm not even there. He says he doesn't know what else to do when she talks to him about this stuff because he wants to "keep the peace."

I feel very alone in my life because I feel like no one is looking out for me including him. I'm beyond upset. I know these examples may seem petty but they're just small examples.

Later he also went on to say that "both parties were wrong" meaning me and the person working there at the car rental place but before that he said the guy was very rude with me and it was wrong of him. My partner has never even rented a car in his life and doesn't have a drivers license. He was trying to tell me how car rental places will charge for a ding in the car or whatever and I got so annoyed because he can't even legally drive!

He's totally disrespectful toward me and I just feel I'm at the end of my rope.

MrsJoyOdell Tue 16-May-17 19:52:30

What are you getting out of this relationship?

somewheresomehow Tue 16-May-17 19:58:16

I think you need to take a good look at what this at what this 'relationship' means to you and what it may mean to him
Can you cut your losses ,take the car back and get the next plane home he sounds like a mummy boy/prick and will treat you like a scivvy

GoodDayToYou Tue 16-May-17 19:59:21

So sorry to read this, OP. You sound miserable. It's not clear to me what you're getting from being with this guy. Breaking up can be so soo painful, but then it's done and you pick yourself up and start again. I would do that. flowers

elephantcuddles Tue 16-May-17 20:06:05

I think what I'm getting out of this is just the constant things he feeds me that things in the future will be so good and we will have a house and children etc. he says how much he can't stand his family and wants nothing to do with them. But he depends on them for everything.

Another thing is that he says so much stuff about how horrible his mother is. But he never stands up to her mostly because he depends on them. His family is violent at times and abusive from what he has told me. one day since I have been visiting they were all arguing and I was terrified.

His mom asking how much I paid for the car really irritated me. She and his dad have had no qualms about me paying for everything and flying to see him, etc and he tried to say that she doesn't want me spending much while I'm here. Whatever. That's such a lie. They don't care.

Wolfiefan Tue 16-May-17 20:08:40

If things are shit now they won't magically transform into a blissful future. Don't even think of having kids with this man. The car thing is kind of irrelevant but it shows his absolute disrespect of you. Run.

AgentProvocateur Tue 16-May-17 20:10:50

He sounds like he's just using you, OP - whether that's for money, transport, sex, a visa... He's not treating you like someone he loves, or even likes. Cut your losses and go home as soon as you can, and find a man who will respect you and care about you.

Aquamarine1029 Tue 16-May-17 20:11:57

Every second with him is just wasted time. This "relationship" is over and you know it. Just end it already. He's a little boy living with mummy and daddy, ffs. You deserve better.

ImperialBlether Tue 16-May-17 20:12:01

Bloody hell, why on earth are you still there? Use that car to go off somewhere on your own! You don't want to marry this abusive lazy twat and you don't want to be part of his violent family, either! Is this really what you want for yourself?

Which country are you in?

elephantcuddles Tue 16-May-17 20:16:01

The car thing I know may seem irrelevant but it matters to me because it symbolizes to me the way I have to pay for everything. He doesn't work and is barely looking for a job. I rented this car and told him I would drive him to take the test to get his drivers license because his family doesn't really want to drive him to the place to do it even though they have two cars.

He tends to treat me crappy at times when I'm here and then when I leave, he will say how sorry he is and he took me for granted. He begged me to come here. I don't think he's using me but he has definitely become more emotionally abusive over time. In the beginning it was nothing like this but I know that's what they all say.

Wolfiefan Tue 16-May-17 20:17:33

How long have you been together? This doesn't sound like a real relationship.
You stay. He treats you like shit. You leave. He wants you to come back.

ImperialBlether Tue 16-May-17 20:17:48

Come on - you can see what he's really like now.

In a way this trip has been a great investment - you've paid for a flight and the car and you've discovered your boyfriend isn't worth bothering with. If you hadn't invested in this trip, you might have carried on with him for years and years.

Get into the car and drive off. Seriously.

Monkeypuzzle32 Tue 16-May-17 20:18:59

Is he Kevin the teenager? Get rid, he's not worth your time, he's just wasting it!

elephantcuddles Tue 16-May-17 20:20:33

I honestly regret coming here at all and I know this may seem stupid but all I can think about is all the money I've wasted getting here. It cost a small fortune. It was a 20 hour plane journey! I'm not deperate. I'm attractive and educated. He treated me really well in the beginning but it has just spiraled. He doesn't have money or an education. I thought he was a real sweetheart. That's why I went for him. This is just so confusing. My life makes no sense to me right now. I'm crying.

The car thing I know may seem stupid but it has really upset me. Then to have him sit there and do nothing then try to "school" me in how they penalize people for dings set me over the edge.. as it's coming from someone who doesn't even have a license. He has never rented a car. Does anyone else think it's rude that his parent asked how much I paid for the car? He said I was overreacting but he went and did something I specifically asked him not to do and then said he forgot.

elephantcuddles Tue 16-May-17 20:23:39

I've been here one month. His family moved and I went through that with them which was utter hell! The cat peed in the car and his mother refused to stop to throw out the thing in the crate she peed on. Then she talked shit about me and him to his brother that night and we all got in the car the next day like nothing happened. Apparently she felt I should have offered to drive but she never said this to me. I sat squashed in the back wirh less than a seat to sit in no joke. I seriously wanted to escape but had no way out.

elephantcuddles Tue 16-May-17 20:28:52

We've been together 2 years.

ElspethFlashman Tue 16-May-17 20:28:57

Wait you've been living with his family a month? In two consecutive houses?

He lives 20 hours away?

How much longer are you staying??!

Did you meet him online or something?

Go home FFS! Good god.

Wolfiefan Tue 16-May-17 20:30:04

But you haven't been "with" him for 2 years. You have been living 20 hours away.
Your time with him is miserable. Go home. Stay home.

elephantcuddles Tue 16-May-17 20:30:26

Yes but I work remotely. He asked me to come here. He proposed to me last year. He wanted me to move here. We live in a separate flat. Yes online. 20 hours by plane.

ElspethFlashman Tue 16-May-17 20:31:24

So is this the longest you've spent with him?

GeekyWombat Tue 16-May-17 20:32:06

How long are you due to stay OP? Are you visiting or is this supposed to be permanent?

elephantcuddles Tue 16-May-17 20:33:42

Yes you're right.

We live separately but they bought a house which needs a lot of work and I have cleaned and scrubbed and tried to make the flat nice which they will be renting out after more work is done (it needs a lot).

elephantcuddles Tue 16-May-17 20:34:44

I was going to stay 2 more months and he wanted me to extend my visa. I stayed with him 3 months last year but 2 months of that wasn't with his family.

Gazelda Tue 16-May-17 20:35:57

OP, I think he is taking advantage of you. His DM is abusing your good nature. How is he able to promise you marriage and kids if he can't even be bothered to get a job, learn to drive etc? Where does he think the two of you will live? Which country? Do you have a return booked on your flight?

EllieQ Tue 16-May-17 20:38:21

Are you the poster with the boyfriend in South Africa? You've visited before and ended up staying in a shack when visiting his family, he doesn't work and you pay for everything, and he wants you to move to SA with him so he can move out of his parents house and sponge off you instead?

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now