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Need support through first stages

(16 Posts)
TheSunnySide Tue 16-May-17 18:17:13

DH has left and says he is going for good. He has done this before and this time I am trying to do what I said I would which is to just let him go. It is very recent and he has left because he finds it unbearable living with me.

He says we will sort out what we do in the next few weeks, hasn't taken anything but some clothes (I assume) and phone chargers. His whole life is in this house including our child. He has not been in contact with our child at all in the last 36 hours and I don't know where he is staying but his isn't an affair situation.

I am trying to keep things normal for DC but questions are startignabout where dad is.

I am not sure what to do. I don't want to tell DC anything without having spoken to DH first but I am holding off contacting him as what I really want to say is please come back and try for the sake of DC but I really think it has gone past that.

I am trying to be strong, going to work, collecting DC from school, avoiding social media and have only told my sister.

I know from having been through hard emotional times before hat things will gradually get better and there will be a new normal but I am just so sad and so scared for my DC. We have always managed to pretty much keep our personal issues out of our DC's life, have been to counselling and so on but seem to be just completely incompatible and unable to make things right.

I think I just want some words of strength from people that it will be OK and me, DC and DH will find our own new normal without too much heartache.

KarmaNoMore Tue 16-May-17 18:25:26

There is no need to enter into details with the children, in fact you don't need to lie to them but it would be better not to let them know you are splitting up until you have decided where you all are going to live, when and where contact would take place etc. It is less difficult for the children if you present them with a plan. Not knowing what happens next, as you see could only make them stressed.

If they ask where he is or when he is coming just say you don't know really but you expect it won't be many days and try to distract them.

You will be ok, once the shock wears off and you start getting used to the new circumstances you will be fine.

I would say, however, don't be afraid of talking about this with other people (after it is official) as you will need a lot of practical/ emotional support during the first weeks and people can only help if they know you need that help.

TheSunnySide Wed 17-May-17 09:33:54

How do I know this is the right thing to do? It seems wholly wrong to me but I am so angry with him for just walking out and leaving me with the childcare. It is so easy for him to just go while I am left dealing with the emotional impact on me and DC.

I have started writing and then deleted several emails basically asking him to please come back and try again, that I will change, that it will be ok. However I don't know if I can live like that as it puts me on notice and all my emotional responses to things will need to be checked. I am peri menopausal and have had a tough few months but this inability to live together in harmony has been going on much longer.

TheSunnySide Wed 17-May-17 09:35:09

I will continue to live here with DC. DH says he will find another place to live and support is financially.

category12 Wed 17-May-17 10:05:14

Keep on track, don't beg him back, he's done it before and he would do it again, and it's no way to live. You're doing the right thing. It will get better.

KarmaNoMore Wed 17-May-17 22:42:31

Yes, but even if you are staying at the family home, it is much better to say to the children:

"You will be spending X nights with mum in this house and Y nights with your dad who has found a house Z minutes from here and would be taking you to/ picking up from school on x dates"

Than saying:
"We are staying here, I don't know yet where he is going to live or when you are going to see him"

TheSunnySide Thu 18-May-17 20:24:34

DC asked today where daddy has been sleeping, I explained he is with grandpa at the moment. As far as I know that is where he is but he has not been in touch with DC since leaving. He is doing his usual school pick-up tomorrow. DC seems un-phased at the moment and has only really started asking questions since the initial ones.

I feel so sad for DC, like we (or DH) has not tried enough and doesn't feel it is important to keep in touch with DC. If this were the other way round there is no way I would be able to stay out of touch with DC for four days.

TheSunnySide Sat 20-May-17 09:53:38

Finally got to speak to DH. He is basically staying with friends and family and won't come back even until he finds a place. We haven't told DC and probably won't until DH is settled. Bit unsure what to say if DC asks outright as not sure if it is best we tell him together.

KarmaNoMore Sat 20-May-17 10:50:02

Sunny.. This is going to be a difficult time but there is light at the end of the tunnel. It is just getting through the not-knowing-what's-next period that is the most difficult bit.

At this time the world may seem in disarray but, just when the caterpillar thought the world was over, it became a butterfly.

I'm sure you and your children will manage to find a positive way to go through it. In the meantime, accept as much help as you can, have special times with your kids and cry when you need to, it would make you feel better.

KarmaNoMore Sat 20-May-17 10:54:01

Ps. I found this book very helpful when we were where you are. It does really help to set the right patterns and new routines as a separate family: putting Children First

KarmaNoMore Sat 20-May-17 11:00:05

By the way, one of the things I learned from this book is to make the delivery of the news a formal affair. We did it very casually in a language that he could understand, and as we had already decided what was to come and contact times, we could answer all his questions. To be honest, I really don't think he was that bothered we were splitting, what he really wanted to be sure of was that he was going to continue seeing us both regularly regardless of the new two houses situation.

TheSunnySide Sat 20-May-17 21:20:06

Thanks Karma. DH will roll his eyes at me reading another book but I will hunt it out. He has been very critical of me reading up about parenting as that is one area that we disagree.

I find it so so weird that DH has gone and yet DC (I have only one but was trying to ne vague so I don't identify myself) has not mentioned him at all today. Not asking any questions about where he is. It makes me sad. I feel most distressed when I think about his future and how he will be effected.

TheSunnySide Sat 20-May-17 21:37:43

As if by magic he just asked me when is daddy coming home and why has he been away so long. When I said he is coming tomorrow he said 'to stay? He has to stay'. So hard.

TheSunnySide Fri 26-May-17 18:31:34

Please does anyone know if there is a general support thread for those going through splitting up ?

KarmaNoMore Sat 27-May-17 17:09:52

Try the Lone Parents' topic, or the Divorce and Separation one. "Chat" may bring more trafffic, putting a support thread for those going through this in "Chat" may help

Squirmy65ghyg Sat 27-May-17 17:42:02

It sounds like you'll be better off without him.

The bit where you say all your emotional responses need to be checked - do you walk in eggshells to not set him off?

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