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How can we get relationship back on track since becoming parents?

(10 Posts)
ThePartyArtist Tue 16-May-17 17:37:48

DH and I have recently become parents - the baby is 3 months old. I know everyone says that a baby changes your relationship, but I am just looking for advice on how we can get things back on track.

I feel very much that our relationship has become functional, and I think from speaking to DH he feels the same. It seems to be very much about how to look after the baby, for example making a plan for how one of us can look after him while the other showers / cooks / goes out etc. I feel like we are doing a 'job' together (albeit one that is very enjoyable, much of the time). It's sort of like working on a project together, rather than having a relationship, if that makes sense.

I don't feel we have much quality time together because it mainly seems to be a cycle of DH going to work, me looking after the baby. Then when we're off together or home at the same time it's a case of making the most of two pairs of hands to get generally day to day stuff done. The closest we've got to quality time together is when my parents looked after the baby for a couple of hours while we had a walk and a coffee. It was really nice to spend that time together, walk hand in hand etc. and I felt quite refreshed when we got back to the baby.

I have suggested to DH that we try to do that again. My parents don't live locally but we have a few other people we could call on if we planned carefully e.g. expressing milk. I feel a bit rejected though because DH says he doesn't know how to enjoy quality time with me, everything feels forced etc. I feel like we are still getting used to these new roles. Plus he wants time with the baby when he's off so doesn't necessarily want to go out without him.

I just feel like we've forgotten how to enjoy one another's company. DH doesn't seem interested in doing anything in the evening e.g. watching a film together - but also seems frustrated at lack of quality time together. I feel like we've become parents and forgotten how to be a couple. Sex has been non existent all through pregnancy and since the baby arrived and I think we both feel awkward about initiating it. At different times we've both felt rejected by the other, and it's got to the point where it doesn't feel worth the upset of being rejected. Plus not sure about the logistics with a frequently waking baby.

How can we get things back on track, because I am convinced we both want to but just don't know how!

noego Tue 16-May-17 19:14:52

Your relationship is on track it is just different now. It is early days and babies demand a lot of attention and yes you are caught up in the early stages of parenthood. But it will ease with time. You are both probably overwhelmed at the moment because this kind of workload with babies in underestimated.
Sometimes it is an idea to sleep when baby sleeps and be awake when they are. Routine is practical as well. Getting a babysitter and having free time is essential especially if you don't have a family support system around you. It is hard work but it is worth it and things will settle down. You and hubby will be fine,

PippaRose Tue 16-May-17 21:19:45

We had a DS 5 months ago and can relate to what you are saying, time when my DH is home is taken up by jobs round the house and him spending time with our son.

I think this is just how it has to be for a while as we have a baby who needs us and life is just different.

Didn't want you to think it is just you. Am sure in time things will get better and you will have time for each other again.

DarkFloodRises Tue 16-May-17 21:22:54

The awkwardness about sex will only get worse the longer you leave it. Be brave and initiate it!

DoubleCarrick Tue 16-May-17 21:24:25

I know exactly what you mean, op. I'm currently in bed up upstairs with 4month old ds and dh sleeps on the sofa every night. We divide and conquer and basically just see each other and chill out at meal times. We try to go out on a Saturday afternoon as a family but Sundays are for crashing out. We're missing each other but have accepted that this is it for now

DarkFloodRises Tue 16-May-17 21:24:56

Do you eat your evening meal together at the table (not in front of the TV)? To me, that's a really important time to focus on each other and reconnect.

DoubleCarrick Tue 16-May-17 21:25:25

Ps we've had sex twice and it hurts still so I'm not all that keen. Luckily dh isn't interested either!

HurryUpPlease1234 Tue 16-May-17 21:33:09

Please don't feel like this is just you - I totally relate she know a lot of my mum friends do too. Sleep deprivation and getting used to being a mum is so difficult and the previous poster is right in that your relationship is on a new track now. If it helps, my baby is 20 months and it's only very recently that I've felt we've found "us" again. Hope that helps.

josuk Tue 16-May-17 21:49:22

It gets better!!!!! It does. Just takes time.

And you are doing quite well for someone with a 3mo baby. With both of mine - by 3mo i was going nuts with sleeplessness and anything other than rest wasn't even on an agenda.
You even thinking about the 'relationship' and sex, and being able to leave the baby and find time as a couple - means you are and will be OK.

Just take it as it comes. These early months seem to drag on forever. And then, in and swoosh - your kids start walking and talking and are off to school.

mrholmes Tue 16-May-17 22:00:37

I think someone on here said having a baby is like throwing a hand grenade into a relationship.

Stop putting pressure on yourself for one thing. You are doing a job, a relentless one at that.

I can't really remember the early days but it's hard. When the baby starts sleeping through the night and you stop breastfeeding the tiredness may get better. I'm actually surprised your even thinking about you DH at the moment smile

You have parents close by so try and use them if you can and go out for something to eat a drink or watching a movie at home. Me and my partner would go to bed cuddle and sleep for a bit.

Sometimes we're ships passing in the night, this happens in cycles but one of us tries to pull it back but for now with a 3 month old baby just concentrate on that. Ours are much older now too.

As another poster said everybody will be the same even if they tell you everything is so wonderful and perfect.

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