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I am considering divorce just because I cannot deal with my kids(18 Posts)
Please do not judge me. I have been married for 10 years and we have two kids, a 6 yr old girl and 16 month old boy. I have a good relationship with my husband, I mean we have the occasional arguement over money and kids but other than that, things are normal.
Now here is the problem, I am not a mother material. You might say well you have two kids, but before I had my daughter, I thought like all the other mothers on the planet I will be instinctively ready for motherhood when I hold my baby. It did not happen. I mean of course I love my daughter, I take care of her, I give her love and hugs and kisses but I do not feel happy and fulfil ( is not that what I am supposed to feel?).
Right after I had my daughter, whom by the way was a very easy baby by any mean, I knew this was not for me. I could not wait to leave her with my mom or at the nursary and everything about her seemed boring ( although she is extremely smart).
My husband love kids. He is from a large family. When my daughte was 3, he started to talk about having another child. I have never talked to him about how I felt because I was embaressed but I firmly refused to have another baby. By this time my daughter needed a lot of attention and someone to play with her all the time and it was driving me crazy. I would get bored and just wanted to run away, and I talked to my mum about it, to which she suggested having another kid so they can grow up and play with each other. She told me the good old times tale when no mother suffered this problem because there were enough kids to play with each other.
All these happened at the time when accidentally I got pregnant. In any other time, I would have had an abortion in a heart beat, but my husband and my mother insisted that I keep the baby and I did. It was a great mistake.
So now, as my son is 16 month old, I am on the brink of madness. I really cannot deal with two kids, different genders, different needs, different levels of education, and still I do not feel happiness or love when I see them. All I feel is despair. Yesterday I realised that I was day dreaming about how to kill myself and I knew I need help. But what can be done?
My husband now works 12 hours everyday and cannot spend any time with the kids. By the time he comes home, the kids would be close to their sleeping time so he is no help, or not enough help. I just want to divorce him so may be we can have shared custody and he can take them a few days a week so I can just breathe.
I know I sound awful that is why I decided to post this online. I have worked with thearapist and I know no matter how much they say that they do not judge you, they do. I do not want to be judged.
Have you considered that you might have post-natal depression? Have you seen your GP?
It's a bloody awful thing, that being a parent is such a massive commitment and not something you can really prepare for.
Firstly, have you spoken to your GP?
Secondly - do you work? I can't work out if you're a SAHM or not. If you are, it really isn't for everyone. Get a nursery sorted and get back to work!
Could you afford a home help for a couple of hours, several times a week? This would take the pressure off you and give you a bit of breathing space
It does sound like PND, so many mothers have it and it's nothing to be ashamed about. See your GP and go from there.
If you're a SAHM then go back to work and take them to a good childminder.
It's a horrid situation to be in, I really feel for you. Don't make any big decisions about divorce at the moment
That sounds tough, OP. I agree with other posters that the first thing you need to look into is your mental health. You definitely sound depressed, and a GP can help with this.
I don't think divorcing your husband would be the best way to deal with this, unless you are having serious problems with that relationship. I think you need to talk to him honestly about how you feel and see if you can come up with a better situation. For example, how much do you work? Are you are SAHM? Maybe a good solution for you would be to work full time and get a child-minder or nanny, if that would be affordable. If your husband enjoys being with them, could he reduce his hours and you increase yours so the burden shifts more to him?
Please don't despair, there are ways you can make this better, but seeking help and being honest, with your GP and with your husband, are the first steps.
I really think you need some help. Daydreaming about suicide is not normal. It sounds like there is a lot more going on than not feeling you're mother material. I feel like that a lot of the time, but I don't fantasise about divorce. I really think you should see your GP and work out a way of having some time to yourself. Are you a member of a gym? Do they have a crèche?
Please don't worry about being judged. It sounds like you are feeling a little paranoid? I only say that as that's how I feel when depression is lurking. Please get some help and don't be so hard on yourself. Your kids (I'm sure) are clean, well fed and clothed every day. You are doing your best. 🌺
Your husband is working 12 hr days ? No wonder your going mad, you're a single parent during the week. How about suggesting to him he goes part time and you go back to work full time ?
I don't think this is pnd? I think this is the daily grind getting you down of having small kids, my 9yr old is a dream now, I promise you it gets easier as they get older.
No judgment here, but I agree divorce doesn't sound like the answer.
Do you work? Many mothers need time away from their kids, to be an adult, to breathe - and most of them do this by working. It doesn't make you a terrible mother just because you don't want to be with them 24/7.
Also, 16 months is a really tough age as they need constant watching and attention at that age. In another 6 months or a year your son will be more independent, able to play by himself a bit and approaching nursery school age. That will make a huge difference.
No judging OP. Agree with PP that you could do with a chat with the GP.
I was in an awful place in November. I can completely empathise that you remove yourself from the equation and that seems like a solution - but. It really is not. You need to look after you because those beautiful kids need you. Sometimes I too do not feel like parent material. It is sometimes - a hard slog.
Look after yourself
Have you read The Lost Daughter by Elena Ferrante? I think the themes in that book will really resonate with you and make got feel less alone and more normal.
Be honest with your husband about how you feel. Not everyone is cut out for motherhood, and definitely not staying at home with the kids while he works 12 hour days. You might feel a lot better if you if you get a job. You might need to spell out to your husband that you can't support the 12 hour days anymore, and that he needs to be more hands on. It can't be just his decision that he is the one who works while you are the one who looks after the kids - the divvying up of childcare and earning for the family has to be a joint decision. You might need to tell him what you've told us - that if nothing changes, you're considering leaving so that he then has to do his share of childcare and you get time away from the children.
As Zampa said, maybe you have PND - speak to your doctor or health visitor.
As for your Mum, has she never read the Feminine Mystique? This was written in the fifties ( I think) highlighting exactly this issue. Her take on the "good old times" is a load of twaddle - despite more children playing out, and siblings playing together, boredom, isolation and loneliness were a real problem back in the day for many mothers.
But I do think you have to be honest with your Mum ( who was probably only trying to help) and with your DH. Your feelings are your feelings, they're not intrinsically right or wrong, they just are. If fulltime motherhood isn't working for you, that's OK. But if you don't tell them, they won't know how you feel.
It sounds as if you are judging yourself, and very harshly - I don't think your family, your doctor, your health visitor or your therapist will be as hard on you as you are on yourself.
No wonder you're going mad. Seriously- all day on your own when you are struggling is hard hard going. I've struggled on my own. You need to see the doctor about suicidal thoughts. Is there any way to carve out time for yourself. You need nurtured. Who else can help? X
I would consider full time childcare and returning to work!
Also every weekend you need your DH to be hands on and let you have a break.
It's very likely you have PND but regardless you need something to help you be you in this situation.
I would speak to your GP.
Divorce wouldn't help because you'd still have to deal with their needs.
Do you work? What do you do for yourself? Do you get time to yourself? Exercise? Hobbies?
It doesn't sound like your OH would be able to actually look after them though if he is in work. So who would actually look after them on the days when he had them? Plus he would need to pay for you to live elsewhere in the first stages if you moved out. So that would cost a fortune. It would be better to pay a smaller amount for:
- put 16 month old in nursery 2-3 days per week
- do you have space for an au pair? They could take DS to toddler groups for you and give you some space. They can also do school pick ups
- maybe your DM would agree to take on some of the responsibility seeing as she encouraged you to have another one.
- gym with a creche would also be good idea.
- get DD involved in some extra curricular activities so she has something to do after school.
- go back to work even if PT
- get a cleaner
It does get easier - 16 months is a difficult age. My DS was really really active and it wore me out.
When I was a SW I used to tell parents to work out how much parenting they could do without going round the bend - and we are all different in that regard - then set to and plan how you could earn enough dosh to do just that amount and no more and pay for someone else to do the rest. Makes sense.
Why should we all be the same when it comes to parenting? - personally I would have had 6 if I could and I loved every minute of being a part of the growing up of the 3 I had - except when I had PMT. But others are different - not better or worse; but just different. The only way to deal with this is dispassionately and objectively for your sake and for you chjldren's. If OH does not like it then that is just tough - let him do all the parenting.
I think it is good you are being honest. Though I would check out any MH issues that you might have first. Did you come from a dysfunctional family?
My ExW wasn't maternal, but didn't own up to it. She would fob DC's off to anyone who would have them and was not good when she did. I didn't know or didn't recognise the signs as she was Disney mum when around people. It fucked up the kids. I've had them in therapy and now they are functioning well and she is now doing the Disney nanny thing to GK's. Buys them endless toys, clothes etc. All of this has to be watched closely. Luckily she moved away with OM and see's them only once a month. A good therapist will help you. The one you are seeing doesn't seem right for you.
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