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Can it be fixed again?Can I love him again?

(6 Posts)
brooklyn11 Tue 16-May-17 12:56:49

I've been with my DH for 15 years since I was 16. Married for 12 years with 3dc who are 10,6 and 2.

We have never had what I would call a great relationship tbh. At the beginning we were both jealous and he was controlling. He never spoke to me in a good way and I always felt like I was on the defensive. When I had my oldest dc I told him enough was enough sort it or I was leaving. I then told him this again in 2011 and 2015 and then things were better but still not 100%.

He wasn't there emotionally or physically when I was suffering badly with PND after my 2nd child and trying to run the business we had. I don't suppose he's ever been there until he's issued with an ultimatum then he'll be supportive but I don't feel it ever lasts. I feel he nit picks me and has called me names in the past and what I wanted from my career has been put on hold because of the businesses he wanted. Although I suppose having kids young maybe put my career on hold anyway. I feel I've lost my confidence :-(

To put it bluntly we always have ups and downs and I have no respect for him and do resent him now for things that have happened in the past. I don't enjoy sex nor do I enjoy his company and am happier when he is away with work.

I am trying to put all the above and more to one side as what's happened before can't be undone and we are in the position we are now. I told him on Thursday that I can't try anymore and I don't love him. He's devastated and tells me he loves me and will do anything to make our marriage work. He wants to go back to counselling (we went to one session in Feb 2014 but he decided he knew what he needed to do and we never went back) and see if we can be saved. I'm willing to do counselling regardless as it'll help either way. He hasn't been at work now since Thursday whereas normally he'd have been at work most days (he's self-employed). He's talking about buying tickets and events for next year etc. It's like he's just ignoring what I said on Thursday.

I'm just not sure where to go. I do feel some relief since Thursday as he's not wanting kisses or sex as often. We do get on really well and I would like to try and keep it like that for the sake of the kids.

Can I love him again and make it work? Has anyone ever felt like this and managed to love them and enjoy their company again and want to be intimate with them? Or do I just give up and stop flogging a dead horse as the saying goes? I've felt like this for a long time and have tried to ignore it but it's not working anymore :-( I feel like I'm living a lie. If it wasn't for the dc I would have gone long before now.

AttilaTheMeerkat Tue 16-May-17 13:14:50

What do you get out of this relationship now?

How is this going to work now?. There is really no way back from this and the two of you need to be apart. You and he do not work together as a pair.

Is this really what you want to teach your children about relationships, just what are they learning here from the two of you?.

Please stop flogging the dead horse here. You said it yourself; if it wasn't for the children you would have gone by now. You've tried ignoring it all and unsurprisingly it has not worked. You were only 16 when you got together and you had no real life experience behind you.

Staying in a relationship purely and simply because of the children now teaches them that your relationship was based on a lie. They are not going to say "thanks mum" to you for staying with him. Better to be apart than to be together and miserable as you are now, that is what you are modelling to them currently. Would you want this sort of marriage for them too?.

If he is a decent sort with regards to his children then he will co-parent with you amicably post separation.

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 16-May-17 14:18:06

Go to counselling and take it from there op.

Adora10 Tue 16-May-17 14:24:18

He sound bullying and a man that is controlling very rarely changes; I think you should this opportunity for a trial separation and see how you feel, you should not have to ASK your partner to speak to you with respect and you should not be having SEX if you don't want to; it all sounds like the relationship has been on his terms.

Take control, try going it alone, you said yourself if not for the kids you'd have been long gone, that means a lot OP.

isitjustme2017 Tue 16-May-17 15:40:54

Sounds like my relationship to be honest. They never change though, I'm sorry to say. If you really want it to work, then go to the counselling sessions. Make it clear to him though, that you are going along with it to see if it helps but it won't necessarily change your mind.
He might say all the things you want to hear in the counselling sessions, then revert right back to his old ways later on (they usually do).
Try to imagine what sort of relationship would make you happy. How would your other half treat you? Then compare this to your DH.

brooklyn11 Tue 16-May-17 20:57:48

Thank you for your replies.

If I'm honest I'm not 100% sure what I get out of the relationship. He isn't violent or abusive like my father was and I trust him and when he's being 'normal' like he is now we do get on really well.

No I wouldn't want my kids to feel like this in a marriage definitely not. I do know staying together for the sake of the kids is not good. I begged my mum at 10 to leave my dad and she did eventually.

I will go to counselling but I'm not sure it will work to help the marriage. I'm starting individual counselling sessions next week as I do have my own problems I'm aware of.

I don't communicate as effectively as I could and just wait for ages and then just blow up. But I do feel he is selfish and just takes and rarely gives. He is doing now but then he's done this before and it doesn't last. He'll be calling me a fucking idiot before long. Although it is very rare he calls me names it sticks in my head for a long time.

I have nowhere to go as I'm 200 miles from any family. The house is in both names.

Is it best we're still 'together' for counselling or could I ask for a trial separation to give me some breathing space. I cope fine with the kids on my own and deal with all the finances etc so I know deep down I could manage on my own but then the thought terrifies the life out of me 😔

I never ever wanted to be in this situation which is why I suppose I've refused to give up.

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