Massive crush but I'm married

[Namechanged999]

I'm married with young dc. My marriage is difficult and I'm lonely.

I have recently developed a huge crush on someone. To the point where I can't sleep for thinking about him, I have bad mentionitis (he's part of a wide circle of friends), and I'm finding it difficult to be in the same room as him. It's getting worse, I feel obsessed. I get shakey and sweaty when I think about him and play out scenes in my head.

Last night I decided that I should approach my dh and tell him that I've had my head turned and that we either commit properly to working on our marriage (he barely makes eye contact with me let alone any friendship/intimacy) or we go our separate ways. In the cold light of day that feels too scary.

Please help me know what to do.

[RockyBird]

The crush will pass. I think it is still wise for you to have that conversation with your DH, going by what you've said at the end of your OP.

[Graceflorrick]

OP, you're unhappy - it isn't about the OM, it's about a fantasy world in which you're happier. The reality of the OM is likely to be very different to the fantasy world you've imagined.

Forget about the OM and focus, can you make your marriage work or not. If not, prioritise your own happiness and leave him

[lotusbomb]

You should do what you decided last night. You may not go riding off into the sunset with your crush but you clearly have something to resolve in your marriage that is causing you to think about somebody else romantically.
Honesty is the best policy. Good luck

[Namechanged999]

Oh I know for sure that the reality of the crush would be very different to the fantasy in my head. I certainly wouldn't end my marriage for a possibility of anything happening with the crush, even though I can't stop fantasising about that scenario.

But the conversation with my dh is too scary to even contemplate. He wouldn't understand if I mentioned the crush, he would manage to blame all our years of marriage difficulties on it. He doesn't even think we have any problems, he is content with zero communication and zero friendship, leading two separate lives.

[Namechanged999]

And in the meantime, should I stop contact with crush?

I don't want to!

[lotusbomb]

And in the meantime, should I stop contact with crush?

Yes.

[Reachingout1]

OP, I know exactly how you feel. I have a SO And dd. My OH and I haven't got the best relationship due to all sorts of reasons but when I recently went out I ended up talking to another man and we had an instant connection, he lives 5 hours away but for a week after we kept in contact via social media ( I feel awful ) but luckily to stop temptation we blocked each other off everything because we knew it wasn't right. I thought about him solid for a week after, and felt a horrible feeling in my stomach but it's gone now. I still do hope to hear off him but it's not fair on anyone else. I'm just clearly unhappy and looking for someone else to maybe help take the pain away which isn't right.
Maybe you should really think about what you want when it comes to your marriage. Hope you're ok! X

[Hoppinggreen]

I don't understand why you need to mention your feelings for another man in order to discuss your marriage difficulties with your husband.
It,will cloud the issues and make you the guilty party.

[Namechanged999]

I felt I should mention it to dh because I have tried to discuss our marriage situation on numerous occasions with no success. We have even had marriage counselling.

I wondered if mentioning the crush might finally make dh take notice of how serious this is and how close to the edge we are.

[LesisMiserable]

I think you absolutely should mention it. Be prepared to show him your phone etc immediately to prove nothing real has happened because thats probably where it will go. Tell him, he deserves to know and be given the chance to avert it. That is always MN view of men who say nothing and have an EA or whatever so applying that logic, tell him, let him know in your head he has competition.

[user1486956786]

Only mention the crush if you are willing to lose your OH over it. A lot of men have a lot of pride and won't take well to hearing something like that.

[user1486956786]

Tell your husband he has competition? Yes that's a smart way to make him dislike you

[LesisMiserable]

Depends on the OH I guess.

[LesisMiserable]

Also, there doesnt seem like a lot to lose at present so might as well be honest.

[TheNaze73]

The root cause is your unhappy relationship.

[RockyBird]

You don't have to tell your DH about the crush. It's the things within your marriage that are making you unhappy you need to discuss.

Good luck

[lotusbomb]

Tell your husband he has competition? Yes that's a smart way to make him dislike you

Competition? That's a bit of a reach
If the OP's marriage is struggling as shes described and she's serious about resolving it, the best way forward is to be open and honest. You can't resolve a relationship problem unless you have laid everything bare.

[LesisMiserable]

Exactly lotusbomb isn't the lack of honesty the biggest bugbear on MN...yet the OP is in a position to be totally honest - and thats wrong too

[Namechanged999]

I do feel that the only way to make dh sit up and take notice is to be completely honest. But I'm terrified. And also maybe saying it out loud (I have a HUGE CRUSH on ANOTHER GUY) will make it more real and I won't be able to just forget about it.

It will become a Thing.

[LesisMiserable]

Maybe dont use that exact phrasing 😂

[ImperialBlether]

I wouldn't tell your husband, but I would try to tackle why he is the way he is with you. I'd avoid your crush; I think you are lacking love in your relationship and are seeking it elsewhere. Sort your relationship out first.

[lotusbomb]

@Namechanged999

It will be all about the way that you phrase it. Once you open up the conversation, it might not be as scary as you think. I don't mean to sound snarky but it really isn't up to you to control whether he decides to blame your marital problems on this. You can only be responsible for what you choose to tell him, how he chooses to respond to it is his responsibility.

[Namechanged999]

Tackling why he is the way he is with me seems insurmountable. He says it is who he is. He doesn't need or desire affection (except sex), communication (except basic logistical instructions) or friendship (he says me and dc are his friends and he doesn't need others, but actually I wouldn't even consider what we have as friendship).

[Namechanged999]

I understand lotus, but he might use it as an excuse to withdraw even further, with the additional bonus (for him) of being able to throw out an accusation every now and then.