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Ghosting someone is such a shitty thing to do

(45 Posts)
Notonetodance Tue 16-May-17 00:35:43

I've just had this done to me by some guy I'd known for years and finally plucked up the courage to tell.

After first meet practically begged me for another date so I agreed and when it came to the day he just went no contact. No message, no call, no 'sorry changed my mind/busy' text just fuck all.

I can't believe that people behave this way to others and I can't get over how super super shitty it is. Why just why not give some half baked excuse or lie or whatever, would be better than just fucking nothing.

I would never behave so appallingly to someone and it really makes me lose my shit thinking that people actually go around doing this. (First experience of it as I'm sure you can tell)

I am so fucked off about it.

Notonetodance Tue 16-May-17 00:36:16

*tell him how I felt

scoobydoo1971 Tue 16-May-17 01:01:33

Ghosting is common these days, some people don't want a confrontation...but embedded in this is a lack of respect for the other person, as well low integrity and lack of manners. While you are angry now, look at this positively...he is a narrow escape, and not someone worth investing time in. Ghosters have a habit of reappearing later on down the line, when they are bored, run out of other leads etc and want an ego-massage...just tell him where the exit is when he surfaces.

Arealhumanbeing Tue 16-May-17 01:11:50

The assumption that there will be a confrontation is one of the most insulting things about it!

If someone changes their mind about seeing me and bothers to let me know, I'll thank them for their honesty and move swiftly on. Not show myself up by crying and arguing about it!

There's no indication that he did assume that though, OP. The problem is that there could be a million reasons why and you won't necessarily ever know.

But try not to let your mind wander and start filling in the blanks for you. Chances are it's something to do with him, not you.

So sorry. It sucks flowers

FreeNiki Tue 16-May-17 01:19:56

Ghosting is absolute shit but I think there is an ulterior motive. If they end it that's it. If they vanish they can pop up again

Sometimes being told no directly feels worse.

SoleBizzz Tue 16-May-17 09:49:01

In your case this is shit, you are the better person. . But in other cases ghosting is sometimes the best action to take.

c3pu Tue 16-May-17 09:57:13

Ghosting is pretty shitty, but after the amount of women who have gone batshit crazy on me after telling them I'm not interested any more, I can certainly understand why it happens.

LesisMiserable Tue 16-May-17 09:58:41

I think if someone has ghosted you they are telling you very clearly they're not bothered, no explanation/lie needed. I also think most ghosters tend to be nice but spineless people who dont want to upset you by not thinking you're amazing so kind of sweep it under the carpet instead. The ones that feed you bullshit are the ones to avoid. And yes there are the ones who ghost then pop back up - these ones just want a text buddy and have no intention ever of meeting you in the flesh again/dating you. Know your ghosts!! 👻

anxiousnow Tue 16-May-17 10:40:28

I don't think ghosters are nice people bit I agree with the spineless bit. I think it is a copy out to ever use the excuse it is kinder to just disappear. It isn't ever. The doubts and over thinking that happens when you are ghosted is far worse than someone telling you they are not interested. The only excuse for ghosting is if the other person is some kind of stalker. His loss op. Especially shit as you had known him for a while. Are you likely to bump.into him in your day you day life?

anxiousnow Tue 16-May-17 10:41:39

Op just a thought, was the second date very recent? Are you sure he is ok? Maybe something happened?

LesisMiserable Tue 16-May-17 10:44:20

Well I've ghosted someone and I'm completely nice so I have to disagree 😂

CheersMedea Tue 16-May-17 12:49:20

but I think there is an ulterior motive. If they end it that's it. If they vanish they can pop up again

I agree with FreeNiki - and to a certain extent it's true. Guys do it all the time - pop up again with a howyoudoin text.

If you have "a talk" with someone about how you aren't interested in them and it's over, it is very difficult to reopen that avenue.

I'm generally a polite person but before I got married in my dating days, myself once ghosted a guy (who I should say had done it to me before) because although I knew he was a bad boy, part of me wanted to leave the door just a little a jar. I'm not spineless at all; it was a deliberate choice because I knew I didn't want to see him but a part of me really did!

I think also ghosting has become more common because of OLD there is more dating (meeting new people having one or two dates because you've never met at all first); if someone is seriously doing OLD they may have a lot of dates in a week, sometimes two or three first meetings on one day. It's less emotionally draining to just let it slide rather than have a big talk or have to send that email or text.

CheersMedea Tue 16-May-17 12:53:18

Also it is fairly usual in any ghosting situation or any dating situation that B likes A more than A likes B.

If you tell someone you don't want to see them or they aren't for you, it can often provoke people trying to change your mind OR becoming aggressive OR difficult OR even abusive in OLD situations (Bye Bye Philipee or whatever that website is called). Rarely if B is very keen, do they just say "Oh OK then. Thanks. Bye." It is more of a "but give me a chance" sort of thing.

honeylulu Tue 16-May-17 13:03:22

I don't think it's that new either.
I'm now in my 40s and I'd say most of my teenage boyfriends who dumped me (and vice versa) "ghosted" rather than actually saying anything - just stopped calling round or phoning and eventually you'd see them out and about with a new lass.Before mobiles and social media so it really was a if they'd just faded away.
I occasionally did it myself when I'd gone off someone. It was easier to just vanish than have to actually dump them. Once or twice I got an irate phone call (land line) and once a long posted letter but generally no objections. It was fairly normal!

LesisMiserable Tue 16-May-17 13:04:54

I'm with you honey

LesisMiserable Tue 16-May-17 13:06:01

Dumper or dumpee, there's no good side to be on

Isetan Tue 16-May-17 14:14:58

Being lied to is preferable to being ignored, really? Ghosting is a shitty thing to do but it is a clear message, actions speak louder than words and ghosting is a perfect example of that.

Boooring Tue 16-May-17 14:21:08

I'm afraid to say I did ghost someone recently and yes it was to avoid confrontation and the constant calls and messages and over the top declarations which he was prone to. He would have put pressure on me to meet him when I didn't want to.

I feel bad and I have always been honest when ending a relationship even though it's always awkward but it was the easiest way of getting this guy off my back.

HotNatured Tue 16-May-17 14:49:40

Man up, ghosters, if you don't have the gumption to tell someone it's not working for you, you seriously need to grow a pair. I've done some difficult dumping in the past but it's always preferable to walk away with your integrity.

Everyone has the right to end something that's not working for them, but do it with respect. Human beings are not disposable commodities

HotNatured Tue 16-May-17 14:51:44

And all this 'ghosting is preferable to the backlash,', you can block people you know hmm

mousymary Tue 16-May-17 14:58:47

What's wrong with it? Most people are not going to say, "Look, Sue, I don't really fancy you so I won't be contacting you again." It would be too brutal and awkward. An excuse along the lines of "Sorry, Sue, but my cat is ill," is no good as Sue will still be holding out some hope.

However, "ghosting" leaves you with your dignity in tact and you can imagine that someone's been run over by a bus/kidnapped/joined the Foreign Legion.

Justbreathing Tue 16-May-17 15:44:31

I've been ghosted it was shit
I've had someone say, it's just not for me, but good luck - which was totally fine

FindingJessica Tue 16-May-17 20:23:14

Ghosting is a totally disrespectful way to treat another person. Unless they are being abusive, people should be communicated to with honesty. The more we accept this type of behaviour as a norm in our society, the more dysfunctional relationships become and as written earlier, the more people treat others as a commodity.
It might be a situation that many can overcome but done to the wrong person (with lower self esteem \ mental health issues), it could end horribly. It can have long term consequences for some.
We need to take some responsibility for others feelings if we are prepared to get involved with them on any level. If we can't deal with our own emotions or accept that others have feelings (and not underestimate their ability to deal with their own feelings) then we really are becoming emotionally stunted.
Ghosting is far worse than being honest (which helps people move on and learn from relationships \dating). Ghosting is an irresponsible and selfish thing to do.

Phoebefromfriends Tue 16-May-17 20:55:08

I was ghosted by an ex after 18 months together, we had already split once, which I dealt with quite well. Stupidly we got back together and then he ghosted me and honestly it's the worst thing to happen to me. I have basically avoided relationships ever since. Even writing that upsets me for three months after he ghosted me I was on the edge, I could barely function. It took me to a very dark place. Finally he spoke to me and I could move on.

Ghosting is shit at anytime but to ghost someone you have been in a relationship with is unforgivable IMO. You have my sympathies OP.

Phoebefromfriends Tue 16-May-17 20:59:25

findingjessica you took the words right out of my mouth. I felt like I didn't even deserve his attention, I was worthless after having loved him so much it crushed my soul and I've never really got over it. I would never have done that to someone i cared about.

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