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im 38 and starting dating 55 year old man

(18 Posts)
agacia Mon 15-May-17 22:41:05

Hi, I'm a single mum who has been single for a couple of years not counting 2-3 month unlucky relationships. All of my ex boyfriends were similar age as me or younger.
I have met a man who is much older and is keen on staying friends with me. He is really polite, helpful and wants me to be happy and deserve nice things in life. During our first date (although the 3rd time met) we felt lots of chemistry between us which led us into his bedroom.
He is much older than me and his children are grew up and independent whereas myself I have 2 children under age of 10.
We have also two different lifestyles: Him cooperative and me currently unemployed.
What should I expect from him and communicate so that this relationship/friendship is gonna last...
How can I make him happy and build up a good and healthy relationship?

dddddddddd Mon 15-May-17 22:58:23

Just enjoy yourself, get to know each other and see where it leads! Don't overthink things, just go with the flow!

Ellisandra Mon 15-May-17 22:59:01

Well, for me a healthy relationship wouldn't start with a man I barely know promising me "nice things in life".hmm as I presume you (or rather he) means him buying you things. It's just not a healthy dynamic for early days of a relationship.

In my opinion, where there is a financial differential, the wealthier person shows they're a keeper by choosing free and low cost activities out of respect and understanding for my situation.

I'd far rather a wealthier boyfriend who preferred 5 star hotels was happy to book a cheap caravan with me, than one who booked the 5 star for both of us.

Longer term, fair enough. But early days, he needs to do more than seduce with talk of gifts.

You have had one date. Why are you thinking about how to make him happy?

Right now all you should be doing is treating him fairly, honestly, respectfully - and enjoying the sexual chemistry!

You don't do anything special to make him happy - you just be you. Because if you're right together, just being you is what will make him happy.

One date in, you don't have to be desperate to be perfect for him! You have to be you, and let him discover how lucky he is to have met you.

Brogadaccio Mon 15-May-17 23:00:44

He should be the one wondering how he's going to hold on to a much younger woman

Brogadaccio Mon 15-May-17 23:02:09

oh god, he promised you the nice things in life?

Is this really what you want? to be some old guy's dolly bird. go for a real relationship with somebody closer to your own age.

TDHManchester Tue 16-May-17 05:52:28

Agreed, the nice things in life thing is a red flag. Maybe hes just lonely,,he is making some kind of judgement about your situation and deems that you need looking after. There may be no harm in it but watch out.

agacia Tue 16-May-17 07:44:29

I can reassure you that materialistic aspect of this friendship is just a bonus not the essential. My attitude to money is really loose. My personal situation is not bad, just the fact I have recently lost my job makes it feeling like it. I am still capable of having a good job and being independent as I have done for the last couple of years. I think it is actually one of the factors which let us feel comfortable about each other.
We still have different lifestyles and they are shockingly different. He is a man of his time and enjoys after work activities. I am a busy mum of two and I barely have any time for myself. At least it was like that when working. I have every other weekend free when kids spend time with their dad and it is my only time I have to offer apart from evening time when we can talk.
I am just surprised by this life surprise and I am trying to find a new myself in it. But as you say I will go with the flow and the time is gonna show if it would work or not.
We want to enjoy moments we have together which is simply enjoying life and doing simple stuff together either its walking, cycling or travelling. It sounds easy and with a small dose of good communication we might succeed.

TheNaze73 Tue 16-May-17 07:45:25

Just take it one date at a time. Just enjoy yourself & have lots of laughs. Don't take yourself too seriously & look no further ahead than the next date. Keep it simple & good luck

ITooHaveBeenThere Tue 16-May-17 10:42:33

If I'm perfectly honest, I'd wonder why a much older man, working and financially sound, winding down a little by the sounds of it, adult children... would have any interest in me, a time poor, cash poor unemployed single mum of young children. If I were in your shoes.

I'd be rather suspicious of his motives or how he regarded me...

Whatever your past, possible future, situation, he can only base his decision/judgement on what he sees before him now. Some men rather like to swoop in and rescue the 'damsel in distress'. Funny how they're not so keen when that 'damsel' no longer needs rescuing.

ITooHaveBeenThere Tue 16-May-17 10:44:25

I'm also 5 years older than you and would have no interest in a man of 55. I have friends of 55, some of them very 'youthful' in their outlooks, but our lives are different and, frankly, they look like beginning older men - grey, balding, skin sagging...

I'm still young. I don't want one of them. Why do you?

ineedsummer1 Tue 16-May-17 12:07:34

I'm 38 and my partner is 56 we've been together 2 yrs. the age difference doesn't matter to us as he's young at heart and I'm independent and have an older attitude to life. His kids are grown up and my youngest is 11. We get on very well. I did wonder about the age at first but it's worked well for me.

MyheartbelongstoG Tue 16-May-17 14:08:01

Ignore the comments about sagging skin.


Best of luck!

AndNoneForGretchenWieners Tue 16-May-17 14:13:39

My DH is 60, I am 38. We have been together for years but to be honest we rarely notice the age difference in reality. I like that he is knowledgeable, kind, considerate and shares my values, but that's not because he's older it's because we are compatible. So concentrate on getting to know each other and learning what makes each other tick, and go from there.

(Disclaimer: we were both skint when we met 18 years ago and now are comfortable but I earn more than him, so if he offered to treat me to the nicer things in life I would be amused - to me the nicer things aren't material but kindness and love)

ShelaghTurner Tue 16-May-17 14:19:56

Oh he's 95! Sorry, I thought you said 55. Only all these comments about sagging skin and hair and 'old guy' made me think he was older confused

Just go with the flow OP and see what happens. Not every 'old guy' is looking for a dolly bird hmm

Elendon Tue 16-May-17 16:13:45

Please ensure you don't introduce your children to him until at least 6 months down the line. Get to know this man first.

He's probably well pleased with himself.

Elendon Tue 16-May-17 16:14:55

No one bats an eyelid when it comes to disparaging women who are 55 with saggy skin. Same applies to men.

hellsbellsmelons Tue 16-May-17 16:31:20

How can I make him happy and build up a good and healthy relationship?
Well you are never responsible for the happiness of another adult.
That is their responsibility!
If you can't be yourself and enjoy it without wondering 'how you can please him' then there is something wrong.
Go with the flow for now and stop overthinking already.
Are you usually a people pleaser?
Look up 'co-dependency' and make sure you are NOT that person.

agacia Mon 08-Jan-18 21:24:33

Quick update!
We are still together - loving each other I believe. We enjoy our time together and have lots in common where we focus on - is it not a recipe for a healthy relationship btw?
Of course it is not always colourful enhanced by the fact I relocated for a new job over 100 miles away and having only 2-3 weekends over the month. But I guess we appreciate our time even more.
He is my best match in bed comparing to my other 8 partners in the past. We have both high sex drive and it is just amazing. Of course he is sometimes tired or miserable but I think we all are some days.

We had a bit of an issue around 3 months ago when my children were back form 3 week long summer holiday with my family abroad and he kind of rediscovered the fact I was a mum with mum's busy life. I had an impression he was not so keen coming down to see me and giving me lots of excuses or even a prolonged feeling he was making a step back by not calling me morning/evening time for a good-morning (romantically singing songs) or good night. I was missing his closeness and some thoughts went in my head that made me very emotionally unbalanced. So that led as expected to the overflow of my thoughts and emotions not straight away but after a month of observations. We had a chat and exchanged thoughts (where he confirmed my suspicions about his issue with the fact I had young and often demanding children in my life). It kind of helped to find the balance again. We see each other rather the weekends when I don't have children around although there are exceptions. There are also weekends when he has some other plans like seeing his 3 children who are adults already. It is a bit strange to me that I have not met anybody from his side - no friends, no colleagues, no neighbours not talking about the children. Saying that I think I take it a bit emotionally - cos I am completely different - I am open, I want him to meet my friends. I want him to be a part of my daily life and being around sometime when I am with children - it is natural, isn't? Sharing our lives is not only about stress-free weekends, but also week days when shopping and cooking is sometimes not a pleasure but one of my responsibilities being a parent.
There is lots we enjoy with each other, although there are some gaps. But tell me where there are truly perfect relationships?
Communication is crucial in our long-distance relationship. We never said we love each other... But what matters is action. Sometimes he surprises me. Sometimes he disappoints me.
I have a feeling it is a healthy relationship where I don't wonder what he does and who he meets when I don't see him for 25 days each month. I trust him. He trusts me. It leaves a very nice feeling being free of fears and just living the moment...

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