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Finally have a reason for going nc

(12 Posts)
namechange567 Mon 15-May-17 19:13:06

Not sure there's a point to this post but I need to just get it off my chest before I erupt.

I've thought so long about going non contact with my family but haven't purely because I love my dad and he adores his grandkids.

But today the shit has actually hit the fan. I've met someone he ticks all my boxes. I mentioned in passing to my mum I was dating and she seemed interested. She asked to see a picture of him, so I showed her a pic. Vital info he is black, I am white.

She has hit the roof told me him or the family, asked me if I had no shame etc etc.

I am actually appalled. My kids are not aware of him as it's not for them to know yet. My 'mother' has tonight made a remark in front of dd about skin colour etc and races. I was livid ( to dds credit she told her ' all humans bleed the same' and walked away so thank god my child has some sense! ) she's told my grandma who is on the same wavelength as her.

So tonight I've learnt my family are racists and I finally have the motivation to go non contact.

I'm a regular but I've namechanged

MissBax Mon 15-May-17 19:17:54

Wow. Sorry that you're going through this, I can't imagine having such different beliefs and morals to my family. Have you got siblings? Are they the same? What about your dad??

namechange567 Mon 15-May-17 19:24:07

My dad will always side with my mother ( feels weird even writing it as I call her by her first name and have done for at least ten years) I have a sister I went nc with her 2 years ago.

I have very different beliefs to my family from religion to outlooks on life - I was told from an early age I was the black sheep.

Im just amazed at this new low, even for her it feels shockingly bad!

I wouldn't care I had a conversation just yesterday about my dad with the guy in question and he said he can't wait to meet him as they have shared interests.

How do I even begin to say - sorry they won't ever meet you because your not white.

It's 2017 ffs

MissBax Mon 15-May-17 19:31:40

There's no real answer I'm afraid - your mum is a biggot. Would you be able to maintain a relationship with your dad without your mum or would he not go along with that?? It's really shit. I had something similar when I saw my dad (who I'm pretty much estranged from as it is) and he made some semi questionable comments that I'd say border on homophobia and it just enraged me. It's not difficult for me to cut off my dad as he's not connected to the rest of my family anyway but I'm not sure it'll be as easy for you from what you say!

MissBax Mon 15-May-17 19:32:21

I'm sure it won't be as easy for you**

namechange567 Mon 15-May-17 19:40:53

His place of work is on my grandmas land so can't even see him there as my grandma has told me I'm not welcome at her home if I go ahead and go public with the relationship. ( and to be honest he is like me in that he just muddles along to keep the peace) I think in all honesty it will have to mean never seeing any of them again.

Jeez it's gonna be a mess, my grandma provides my childcare so I'm gonna start looking for alternatives.

Even if things ended now with new guy I don't think I could forgive them for some of the disgusting things that have been said today coupled with the stuff over the years that's made me withdraw and consider going none contact.

namechange567 Mon 15-May-17 19:44:02

The rest of my family are close ( I'm the only exception) and childcare has always been one of the main reasons I haven't walked away already.

In a strange way it's nice to have a concrete reason to cut contact that they can't all down play and say is not an issue. In the past if I've mentioned things I get told I'm over sensitive or over reacting etc.

MissBax Mon 15-May-17 19:53:06

Yeah I think you have a totally fair enough reason to go nc and I would definitely do the same. You know it's for the right reasons and I'm sure anyone who hears it from you or them (unless they're racist too) will side with you. Even though you sound somewhat relieved it'll probably be hard, so just offering a hand hold here flowers

Pettywoman Mon 15-May-17 19:56:25

I'm so sorry, your story is shocking. I don't know if it's worse that they're happy to be so blatantly racist or if they pretended not to be but made sly digs. At least you know where you stand and you can't put up with this kind of behaviour.

I hope your relationship works out and you can find child care.

MrsExpo Mon 15-May-17 20:10:25

I have no idea how to resolve this but just feel so sad - both for you OP, and for the world in general - that such racist attitudes are alive and well in 2017. If this man makes you happy then stick with him and go no contact with the racist bigots who comprise your family.

namechange567 Mon 15-May-17 20:20:08

Thank you for the hand hold missbax. Reality will probably be different to how I imagined it.

Prettywoman it's the childcare sorting that I'm dreading. It's something I've never had to think about.

We do live in an undiverce ( is that even a word? Having a bit of brain blank!) area but I just can not fathom how they think the way that they do!

NellieFiveBellies Mon 15-May-17 20:25:02

It will be hard but it will probably be better for your children not to be looked after by them in the long run. They are far too important to grow up being fed that sort of shit.

Tell your partner the truth. It turns out your family are racist and you will no longer be seeing them.

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