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Is a home rights notice a confrontational document?

(17 Posts)
isthisacceptable200 Mon 15-May-17 16:31:20

Am lost as to what to do. Have been trying to build up the courage to tell H we should get divorced since October now. I don't trust him so I should at least also file a home rights notice on the family home as only his name is on it. Am scared he will go ballistic though.

All the notice does is ensure that I would find out if H were to try to sell or re-mortgage the house, but I know he will see it as a call to war.

Or should I tell him about the divorce first, in the hope --pigs might fly--that he will be amicable and I won't need to protect myself?

Ellisandra Mon 15-May-17 16:34:27

If he reacts as if it is a call to war, then you need to be ready to battle.

So I would speak to a solicitor about the divorce before you complete the HR notice. So that you are fully armed and ready to go, however he reacts.

Is it confrontational?

But sounds like you need to confront!

Don't be scared of it - be ready for it.

Lucked Mon 15-May-17 16:34:51

I would do them simultaneously. Do you have a solicitor? Blame them as in "that is what was advised"

isthisacceptable200 Mon 15-May-17 22:24:40

Thanks for your answers.

Yes I thought it might be confrontational! I think it might be better for me to start from a position of saying I want a divorce and asking him if we can sort it out between the two of us. I don't actually think this is possible, but I want to create good will (as far as possible). I have been to see a solicitor but don't want him to know as this too would be like a red rag to a bull.

It's all hell anyway because even though I know that our relationship has broken down and how difficult he is, the thought of breaking up our family and not being able to be with the kids all the time is very very hard. Then I start thinking that everything would be okay between us if only I could fix something. Anything. But there is no affection, I can't talk to him about anything, he is often short tempered and rude, sometimes doesn't speak to me for weeks after an argument and is also controlling about major decisions (house in his name - etc). I don't see what I can fix at this point, and communication has now completely broken down between us.

Ellisandra Mon 15-May-17 22:50:34

Please read that post back, and consider why exactly you think you will be able to create good will?

Over home rights, or any other aspect of the divorce details.

You are describing a bullying arsehole.

All too often, women accept less than they could and should because they think it will make coparenting easier.

It really won't. If he's going to being a bullying arsehole, he'll do it because of his personality, not your actions.

Get a solicitor. Be an ice queen. Drop the emotion and drop kowtowing to him for "goodwill". Use the solicitor as your cover for emotionless following of procedure.

Every last bit of crap he throws at you stick to the same line "I'm doing everything the solicitor says, because they are the experts".

And even better line is "fuck off with your childish tantrums, I will not be bullied into losing out because I'm scared of you - because I am not. Dickhead"

But the solicitor line is handily less confrontational wink

category12 Tue 16-May-17 05:41:49

The person you describe is not going to be anything less than hideous to deal with whatever you do. He will of course say "if you hadn't done that, I wouldn't be reacting like this"! But it's a lie.

You're afraid of bringing up the divorce cos he will go ballistic, you're afraid of putting in place the home right because he'll go ballistic. You have to accept that as far as he's concerned, you will be crossing him and he will not suddenly be reasonable or kind, (because he's a bloody bully) .

So do both things, and get it all in motion.

cece Tue 16-May-17 05:58:29

I agree - doing it all at the same time. Divorce and the notice of confrontation. Make sure you are ready for battle. He will not take it well but think of it like ripping off a sticky plaster.

isthisacceptable200 Tue 16-May-17 06:35:58

Should I not start by simply asking him to get divorced - no petition or anything, and asking him if we can sort it out amicably. Pretty soon the lay of the land would be clear (a few days?), and if necessary I could then fill in the petition and the HR1 form at the same time?

Yes he will feel crossed, and as if it is all my fault.

How on earth will I live in the same house as him while going through a divorce?

category12 Tue 16-May-17 07:43:51

Do you honestly believe he will be capable of being amicable or is it just that never-say-die bastard that is Hope? I think you know him.

Have the paperwork sorted and be ahead of him.

If he's unlikely to move out, think about creating a safe haven for yourself in a spare room if you have one/getting dc to share/moving him into living room. Or possibilities of you moving out but keeping rights over the home (need solicitor on that). Otoh, if he's frightening, threatening or abusive, you can potentially get him removed from the home and get an order in place to keep him out. (Again, legal advice).

babybarrister Tue 16-May-17 07:52:44

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

isthisacceptable200 Tue 16-May-17 08:27:59

By paperwork sorted does that mean petition filled in as well as HR1 form?

The solicitor said it would be best not to ambush him with a petition out of nowhere (though he does know how bad things are between us) as that was likely to make the whole thing more bitter and confrontational. She suggested that I suggest mediation to him in the first instance.

It's true though that given how hard the whole thing is going to be, I may as well have already filled in the HR1 form and sent it off. And have told him (shock) as he will then get it in the post.

Half my sister's flat is in my name but that is tiny compared to the cost of living where we live, and the amount that is in H's name (4.5 including the family home - could be more of course as he has hidden property in the past).

Why am I so scared?

isthisacceptable200 Tue 16-May-17 08:29:03

4.5 properties that was meant to say

PigletWasPoohsFriend Tue 16-May-17 08:34:11

Half my sister's flat is in my name

I would personally let your DSis know what is going on as your half of the property would be up for discussion.

isthisacceptable200 Tue 16-May-17 08:41:56

She knows what is going on. And yes my half of the flat would be part of the whole pot. Not sure how large mortgage and debt are as H has always kept things deliberately separate. He works very hard and tends to think he is in charge - that no one has worked as hard as he has, therefore they (me) have no claim. Psychologically it's a big hurdle to get over.

category12 Tue 16-May-17 08:59:10

I'd have it all ready. You don't have to tell him it all at once or indeed send it all off at once. I'd follow your solicitor's advice largely, but there's no need to be scrabbling about on the back foot, prepare for the worst and hope for the best.

You are entitled to a proportion of the marital assets, his opinion on it doesn't matter.

isthisacceptable200 Tue 16-May-17 16:17:08

Or possibilities of you moving out but keeping rights over the home (need solicitor on that).

The solicitor has advised that it is best to stay in the house but did say that if it got really awful we could reconsider. I think moving out would create the unhelpful precedent of somehow being able to house myself elsewhere.

If the kids decided they wanted to stay there, it might also look to them like I was abandoning them shock.

Also my H could then take ages to sell it if that's what we were ordered to do.

If he's unlikely to move out, think about creating a safe haven for yourself in a spare room if you have one/getting dc to share/moving him into living room.

I think he almost certainly won't move out as he will be furious that I am putting him in this position at all.

I have been sleeping in dd2's room since last October. I just don't know how much more unpleasant it could get.

What a nightmare / mess.

category12 Tue 16-May-17 16:55:19

Well at least you would be on the path to getting free and ending the situation.

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