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Am I too one sided??(10 Posts)
I have been with my now husband for 15 years, 2 of them married.
We've been through all the ups and downs! And there have been a lot!
Since he turned 40 last year he is drinking a lot at weekends. And I mean a lot! At first I thought it was midlife crisis! Then it was Christmas/new year/family weddings etc. But it's continued and continued and continued.
He drinks to the point he's stumbling around and it does cause arguments because he becomes moody/paranoid etc.
I don't drink anymore. So that's already a hurdle in a way. It does not bother me other people drink at all. It just doesn't agree with me so I stopped. So it's not like it's a religious belief, or a lifestyle choice I expect to impose on others by any means. But he uses that as an excuse at times. (You don't drink so expect me not to etc)
I've told him the binge drinking worries me, it puts me on edge, it causes arguments (which at times he agrees with) and ruins our weekends as he literally drinks from getting in Friday evening to Sunday evening. He starts as early as he can (usually lunchtime on a Saturday and Sunday) and I just feel this impending doom feeling because it's not like we're out! We're home! So I have to sit with someone who becomes increasingly loud/ranting/paranoid as the day/evening goes on then stumbles around and goes to bed. Sometimes speaking to me sometimes not depending on what has occurred.
We went away for our anniversary. He got so drunk we were back at hotel by 8pm and I just thought I could be home in my own space instead of stuck in a hotel room bored watching rubbish TV by myself while he sleeps it off.
However I listen to other people's marriage woes. Where their husbands are out till all hours, or cheat etc and he isn't like that at all. I've even suggested he goes out to drink as maybe he drinks so much at home because he's bored?!
But he's a good man other than that he works hard, he looks after us, he does his chores (still a slob but aren't they all!) but he's very critical of a lot of things to do with me like my cooking (despite his family always saying it's amazing) my lack of common sense, and stupid things. All designed to put me down to make him feel better I'm sure! And he's making me hate him. I'll be honest! Slowly but surely I can feel myself resenting him, when he calls me I don't think I ever don't think "what now" before replying. He makes me feel on edge because he explodes at minor things at times (as I do also sometimes!) and is a very alpha male who seems to think i should be some 1950s housewife when I'm out earning too and actually sometimes earn more than him.
But i list off all the things he does wrong, and it's all I focus on! Do I ever see any good?? I guess I'm asking if I'm so consumed by how I should be treated, how I expect to be treated (like a queen!!) that I only focus on the bad?
I don't see the good? Like he works hard, when I was at risk of redundancy coached me through all my interviews, sent me supportive messages and told me never to worry as we would survive if I didn't get a new job in time. My puppy was unwell he paid 2k for treatment that we didn't get back, (insurance issues!) and never complained, he cooks me dinner every night as he's home first and caters for my fussiness!
I too point out his flaws (he burps continuously!!!!!! Leaves his clothes where he takes them off, puts plates in the sink not the dishwasher next to it! Etc!) so is that any different to him picking at things he sees as wrong?
I just feel like we are in a negative cycle of only seeing the bad things? And the drinking hasn't helped. I have even asked him if he drinks so much at the weekend because it's the time he spends with me? Does he need to drink to get through it!! (I'm open to this feedback!)
I've tried talking to him about all of the above, he dismisses all of it. And if I even remotely suggest the drink is an issue he behaves a few weeks then goes back to it again. And like I say I don't expect him to stop! But I'm pretty sure all of my couple friends that drink together don't get so smashed they row and can't make it to bed on their own?
He doesn't touch a drop in the week but he literally has like an internal alarm inside that counts down to Friday and he literally craves it it's like a NEED to drink. I don't want to head much further down this path I'm worried we'll end up a bitter couple who despise each other. I see couples on tv and think ....yeah we're not like that at all!
Your husband is an alcoholic, and you don't have to get drunk every day to be one. Do you think he would be open to seeing a counselor?
You're married to an alcoholic. Your kids spend every weekend around a drunken arsehole.
I asked him to see a Dr to start with in the hope that hearing it from someone else would make him see but he refuses and thinks I'm making a big deal of it. A counsellor would be a definite no but perhaps if it was for both of us he might? Can only ask!
He's a functioning alcoholic if you ask me. Are you 100% sure he's not touching it during the week?
Either way, his drinking is NOT good and NOT normal. You are walking on eggshells because of it and its ruining your weekends. Do you have children?
I think you have to put your foot down. Tell him his drinking is not right and if he doesn't cut it right back, your marriage is at stake. Give him a challenge and see if he can go 1 weekend without drinking..... I bet he can't.
What do you get out of this relationship now, are your needs being still met here by him?. What is in this for you now, what is your pay off here? I put it to you that you are co-dependent and co-dependency often is a feature of relationships where alcohol heavily features. What did you yourself learn about relationships when growing up, did you also see a parent drink heavily?.
His primary relationship is with alcohol; its not with you and you are not at the top of his priority list. His next thoughts centre on where the next drink is going to come from.
He likely does not think he has a problem so no counsellor will convince him otherwise. Counsellor will probably end up enabling him similarly as to how you have done to date. What you have tried to date has not worked and you cannot tell him to stop drinking either. You can only help you ultimately.
The 3cs of alcoholism-
You did not cause this
You cannot control this
You cannot cure this
You need to contact Al-anon today if at all possible because they are very helpful to family and others associated with problem drinkers. You cannot help him but you can and should help your own self here.
You have played and still play out the usual roles associated with the alcoholic; that of provoker (you never forget) and enabler. Time for you to get off the merry go round that is alcoholism before you get further dragged down by him.
The heavy drinking and the lack of respect are enough to make anyone feel very unhappy. I would be inclined to let him know exactly how it all makes you feel (write it all down and email it to him if that's easier) and give him a time limit as to how much longer you are going to put up with it for. If he doesn't make some big changes start the process of separating.
Just because he is not as bad as some people doesn't mean that his behaviour is acceptable.
I would say the last 8 months have been misery for me as week days we get on like we always have then Fridays I hear the clink of his bottles when he comes in and I just feel an overwhelming feeling of depression!
Codependency does ring a bell although I don't understand why I would be! As I was single for 3 years before this and was fine living alone, single life etc.
My parents weren't drinkers but my dad I was never good enough for! Nor was anything! And his moods are literally the same as my husbands and that depressive black cloud feeling of dread is the same I had as a kid when dad was home.
Not to be a cliche! But it isn't something that's gone unnoticed to me. My brother is the same also. So I've grown up pacifying men's behaviour and am guessing that's basically what I've been doing with him.
I have threatened to leave, the next stop will be actually leaving as I don't have any more empty threats left! I don't want to but I know if this was me reading a strangers post I'd be saying RUN and I kind of knew when I wrote it I didn't really need anyone's advice.....seeing it in black and white I see it for what it is.
But I really do appreciate everyone's honesty and to know because he doesn't cheat, stay out all night, get violent, it still doesn't mean it's right!
We don't have children which was a sadness but recently a blessing!
Op, you sound lovely & you don't deserve to be reliving the bad times in your childhood in your own home.
I hope your dh pulls his socks up soon. Otherwise i think I would leave (or ask him to)
Life's too short to spend it under a black cloud, much less under someone else's black cloud.
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