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Would i be happier on my own?

(5 Posts)
CheesecakeYesPlease Mon 15-May-17 15:19:37

Long time lurker first time poster etc etc. grin

I'm 21 and my partner is 25, we've been together 5 years and have DS1 who is 20 months and DS2, 12 weeks.

Except i also feel like my DP is my third DS and it is making me feel resentful and miserable.

He's extremely hard working, works 40 hours a week as sole breadwinner and cooks our tea every evening as we eat separately to DS1. I appreciate how much he works in order to provide for the children and also appreciate him cooking tea as it means one less thing for me to think about doing around the house.

However, he seems constantly incapable of picking up after himself or doing any general chores without prompt (or in his eyes, nagging). I never expect him to do any real cleaning but i feel like he has zero respect for our family home by basically leaving crap anywhere with the idea that of course i will pick up after him and tidy up. It ranges from his dirty washing being in a pile on the bathroom floor rather than in the washing basket to him piling the sink full of dishes rather than putting them in the (empty) dishwasher. He also has a knack of walking past any mess DS1 makes, preferring to step over an upturned piece of furniture or trip over a toy rather than think to pick it up and put it away.

His disengagement with DS1 is also a major problem, with DS1 now never approaching DP for anything knowing that DP has his nose in his phone not paying attention to him anyway and will instead come to me for everything. There's also DP's unwillingness to do things like nappy changes, with being at work all day as his main reason not to, as well as him never thinking to have any parental responsibility when out and about with the DC's, always assuming either me or one of the DC's nanna's to be constantly watching DS1.

ANYWAY to the point, after pointing these things out to him and having zero changes i'm starting feel extremely resentful and unhappy, it has begun to affect our relationship and sex life as i find myself feeling negatively toward him constantly. It has gotten to the point where i would feel much happier on my own and have voiced this, although my feeling are generally ignored and DP continues and pretends everything is fine.

Not sure what i'm asking really..would just like some perspective and a bit of advice on how to go forward!

isitjustme2017 Mon 15-May-17 16:06:42

Its seems to be a common theme that men who work long hours, then assume they need not do anything around the house of with their DC (especially when their DP is a SAHM).
Does he realise that you also work full time (looking after the children) which can be a stressful job in itself?
I don't think you are being unreasonable in expecting him just to be considerate and not leave a mess around the house. I also think his disengagement with the DC is inexcusable.
I don't know what to suggest if you have already talked to him about it. Perhaps actions speak louder than words......

CheesecakeYesPlease Mon 15-May-17 16:54:36

Actions do speak louder than words, yet the only time i see a change in his actions is when he wants sex and knows his inconsideration is making me feel less intimate toward him, which just makes his actions meaningless when he reverts back to his old self pretty soon after he gets what he wants.

The fact im 12 weeks post partum and uncomfortable with the idea of sex just yet is something else he doesnt seem to be able to understand hmm

isitjustme2017 Mon 15-May-17 17:29:55

That is even worse then. He is using sex as a form of manipulation. He's nice to you until he gets it and then becomes a dick again after. Its a form of abuse really when you think about it.
12 weeks after having a baby and he can't understand why you don't fancy sex? He is very very selfish!!!
You are still so very young and you deserve so much better than this. He's taking you for granted and doesn't seem to care about your feelings. If he doesn't change or at least try to improve, your resentment will only grow over time. Take it from me. After 16 years with my stbxp, I put up with his shit all those years and the resentment grew and now we are separating.
Don't wait that long.......

MissBax Mon 15-May-17 19:24:32

It's a difficult one isn't it because we only ever hear one side of anything on MN and when we complain about out OH's, the readers won't hear all the good. As the one in the relationship who works the most hours and cooks EVERY NIGHT, I definitely do way less other house work. My partner does all the laundry and the general tidying round the house. That's not because I'm lazy (at all), but once I've finally got home, cooked dinner, eaten and showered it's 8pm and I like to sit an watch an hour or so of TV before bed.
However I'll be taking maternity leave later this year and I know that I'll be doing alot more then, as he will take over with doing more work outside the home. So I guess it's swings and roundabouts. Having said that, we are both happy with our situation and if you aren't then that isn't good. It's a shame that he's not listening and willing to take on board and make some changes for the sake of your relationship.

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