Suspect

[hinkleblarton]

Been with dh for 10years. Without going into details, I'm fairly sure he's messed about. He's a full on flirt, does it in front of me. He lies about so much that I seriously don't know if I'm losing my marbles. Anyway, just recently he's stopped any paper statements from his bank account coming to our house, tells me he just unchecked the box. He's amazingly lost his password to fb so has opened another account that I can't get into ( we share a tablet so always keep our apps open. I've got nothing to hide from him) his phone goes everywhere with him. There's lots of little things mounting up but nothing that's concrete that I can find.
I know this sounds awful, I know I probably sound like a nagging insecure wife. I am totally insecure after finding out a couple of things, porn on his phone after swearing blind he didn't watch it, he made a pass at a friend, he was talking secretly to another woman on fb. It's all driving me insane and being a snooping wife isn't who I am. I want to end it or at least put an end to the torment going on in my brain but it would make me feel better to have a good reason.
Am I over reacting? The bank account thing really makes me think he's hiding something.

[Algernonplonkerthethird]

I could just about cope with the flirting (depends on how much) but the making a pass at a friend would be the end for me. Is it 'his' bank account or joint? Do you have your own account? Are you financially independent? To be honest, I would be seeing a solicitor to see what my options are.
Sorry you are going through this.

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

At the end of my marriage (night before i told him to leave -) I am ashamed to admit (like hell am I actually) that while he was in a drunk coma I took his bank card to the cash point and printed off a mini statement. .
Confirmed everything I suspected.
He moved out the next day and haven't set eyes on him in 5 years. .
Suspicion messes with your head.
Confirmation is easier to accept.
Could you do similar?

[hinkleblarton]

It's his own account. We don't have a joint one. My head is going mad. When I questioned him he was so cool about it " just unchecked the box". That's not the sort of thing he does. He'd have to look for that option. I seriously want to confront him about this, I want him to log into his account so I can see. I might look like an idiot if there's nothings there and I can cope with that.
What a mug I am. The making a pass at a friend was a few years back. He told me I didn't know the context. So didn't deny but wouldn't admit. I've not talked to her since. There was no benefit in her telling me so must be true.

[hinkleblarton]

I don't know his pin but I'll ask for it. If he refuses then I know something's up.

Hate gut feeling, it's generally so right.

[Justmadeperfectflapjacks]

So you don't know his pin?

[lobsterface]

There are wider issues here, but my credit card account constantly hounds me to go paperless so that's not completely unlikely.

The rest...he sounds like a dick. I know leaving isn't easy but you need to weigh up if he's making you happy and if you can live like this.

[Notmyrealname85]

Do you have DC? I'd walk away in this situation if I were you

Awful that you think of yourself as being a nagging insecure wife - you won't have started a relationship with this man with so many doubts. If he's been acting out like this for years I can't believe you've survived off so little affection and confidence in him. He needs to be your teammate in life, not your tormentor. He should have more respect for you to not hit on other women/speak to them on FB and that's just for starters. You're not here to make him a better person and have to coach him through morality 101 classes.

You need to be actively, freely happy in life. Not spending your years trying to keep tabs on a man who doesn't care for you. Plenty of other men would treat you really well. It's hard to see how bad things are when you're in the thick of it

[hinkleblarton]

@lobsterface I actually think he's a dick too. I've been thinking about this for years but now, maybe I've grown up I just can't be done with the bs anymore, the lies, the second guessing. It's making me ill.

[hinkleblarton]

@Notmyrealname85 Thanks. You are absolutely correct. It's just just difficult to change what feels like a habit of a life time. Maybe I'm looking for that firm reason to ask him to leave? It'll happen, I've just got to get my act together because the bit that scares me is late at night when you pine for that person. I need to get through that without backing out.

[FizzyGreenWater]

I just can't be done with the bs anymore, the lies, the second guessing. It's making me ill.

You don't need any more justification than that. At all. Forget evidence and unchecking boxes - your gut is telling you, and your experience for years has shown you, that he's a bit of a snake and you're better off without him.

You could look at this from entirely another angle. He is probably secretly shitting on you. He's definitely treating you badly. He must think himself quite clever really - losing passwords, new accounts? All this secret agent stuff, working his socks off to keep you in the dark. So he must want to stay. He wants this to continue - having his cake and eating it.

How incredibly SATISFYING do you think it would be if you were to get your ducks in a row financially and then just tell him that it's over? Why - because he's deceitful and he's not on your team and you think you'll be happier without him. Simple as that. What does he mean, you can't prove anything? Why does he think you need to, or would be interested in spending your time justifying yourself to him when he treats you the way he does? You're not happy with who he is, that's it - he just has to suck it up and you aren't interested in the details and you don't have to wave proof of dinners for two on his bank statement in his face. You just... don't want to be in a marriage like this any more. Shrug.

That would be quite amusing really and madly satisfying, don't you think? And so much easier and quicker. You KNOW the score. You're currently totally in the mindset of having to have concrete proof of something, but step outside of that and you'll see that a. it changes nothing andb. it makes it all about him and you having to be reactive rather than proactive. Plus, even if he hasn't played away, you will still have that gut feeling. Because he treats you badly, keeps you on the back foot.

I would sort out the finances and make plans to move on. If you can find out what he's up to, I get that it will help (and it's infuriating not to know stuff!). But, I also think that you will gain so much power by simply taking charge and deciding that he's just not good enough for you.

[Algernonplonkerthethird]

All the above, especially Fizzy's post. You can be devious too. Financial information, what you would be entitled to from property, if any, one of your best bets would be to get a a solicitor. A recommended one if possible. Snoop, gather all the financial information you can.
Do be prepared for all the 'anguish' from HIM when you present him with what is going to be HIS future- one where you are free of him and you can stop being tortured. How satisfying it is when you no longer care what he is up to and where he is.
All the above is hard to believe when you are in the here and now, I admit. But it WILL happen.

[hinkleblarton]

@Algernonplonkerthethird @FizzyGreenWater
Thanks both. I'm going to keep re reading your words. They're true and I have to keep reminding myself of that. I'm fairly sure it's going to be discussed tonight because I've had enough. I literally can't work because I'm distracted by him. I've found his new fb profile and he's been on there a fair bit today. I know he ain't talking to me!! Just want it over.

[Collidascope]

He made a pass at your friend and then told you you didn't know the context. As if there was a context that could make it okay? And as if he shouldn't have been down on his knees telling you everything and apologising rather than refusing to fill you in? You say you haven't spoken to your friend since (I'm really hoping you didn't blow her off because she was honest to you but you didn't want to hear it). Assuming you didn't part on bad terms, maybe you could message and ask her for the 'context'. If he's tried to cheat once and there were no consequences - and he didn't even feel bad enough to be honest and you didn't force him to be- it's likely he would do it again. Sorry, OP, he sounds completely disrespectful.

[Collidascope]

That came out harsher than I meant it to, OP. Sorry. It just makes me mad when shitty men do this type of thing to the people they're meant to love and respect.

[hinkleblarton]

@Collidascope , sadly I didn't speak to my friend again. Dh convinced me that she was over reacting to a silly situation. I never got to the bottom of it.

Anyway, just spoke to dh now. Told him I wanted the bank statements sorted so I can see them, I wanted to know his pin etc etc. Asked him how is it he was allowed a secret life when I am open to everything. I told him his actions had hurt me beyond his understanding and that I felt humiliated when he acted like a dog with two dicks around women. Told him that it hurt like hell when I found messages to attractive blonde American woman. He said " it was like that ".

I feel I'm banging my head against a brick wall. I want him to be remorseful but he's not, he just gets arsey when I question him and it results in me feeling like shit.

Then the icing on the cake. I told him I could do better. His response, " go on then, fill your boots!"

You know, I just want a decent husband. I don't want my head full of questions. Just want to love someone and be loved. It's not going to happen here is it!

[PollytheDolly]

Best you be filling your boots then OP. As for him, after all "it's just like that"

Tell him to fuck off.

[LostSight]

I told him I could do better. His response, " go on then, fill your boots!

This may not be because he doesn't care if you go. He may just have such a massive ego, he doesn't believe you will. He's certainly put some effort into deceiving you.

Anyway, sorry to hear the things he's saying. They must be devastating. You're worth so much more than this.

[AnyFucker]

He doesn't give a shit about you, does he ?

[yetmorecrap]

This guy no longer cares, I don't say LTB lightly as I know it's not always as easy as that but clearly he is a player and likes the chase and isn't embarrassed at you knowing this, start photocopying and plan an exit OP , I don't think he likes you much nor you him

[RunRabbitRunRabbit]

Is your head still full of questions? Because after a conversation like that, I would have no questions at all, it would be over.

What did you see on the statements when he logged in?

[hinkleblarton]

He didn't log in. Apparently his details were on an old computer and he doesn't have them any more. Told him to get it sorted. If he cared for me in the slightest then he'd want to get rid of my suspicions.

I really tried to talk to him tonight. Really tried but I just get nothing in return. No reassurance, no emotion, even when I'm crying there is nothing. He says " you know I want things to be ok " but that's it. Nothing else.
In bed now, left him to it. He can't get his face out if his phone. What a twat I am.
I'll be visiting CAB tomorrow, see how to start moving on.

[hinkleblarton]

Gutted.

[FizzyGreenWater]

You know, when his chief cook and bottle washer does fill her boots, he;s gonig to come snivelling then.

Just don't let it make you do anything but laugh in his face.

Use this anger. Ask on here about how you can make sure you get finances sorted properly. What is your situation with housing, etc.? I assume you have no children?

[hinkleblarton]

I've got 3 teenage kids. Rent the house, in both our names. I work but it's self employed and sporadic but I'll use this as a kick up the backside to get that element of life a bit more fruitful.
I need the anger to keep me driven otherwise I'm going to crumple. He just doesn't care. I'm not sure if that hurts more than finding he's been screwing around. Not a jot from him. Zero. All these years wasted.

[user1479302027]

You could do better
I regret ignoring my dps flirting and passes at my friends. I just cannot fathom why I just pretended they were meaningless! Really well done for addressing it like I didn't. Took me ages to realise that the only reason they didn't go further was because my friends are good ones - unlike my partner! Do it, live without the constant nagging doubts and insecurity. Find someone who had your back covered, and watch how life takes off.