He cheated 10 years ago

[Itsuglyhead]

NC for this. Have been wanting to post for weeks but didn't have the courage.

Met DH 25 years ago, both had DC from previous relationships. I was never married, split up due to EA. He was divorced because of infidelity on both sides.

We married after 10 years together and both worked hard to make a nice life for all of us. Dh's job takes him away overseas quite a lot.

Three years after marrying DH suggested a baby. I really wasn't keen, other children were late teens and it seemed like a step back.

I also wasn't keen on going part-time with work because of loss of independence.

Anyway the following year we had a DC. It was wonderful. I was older so more confident and more patient. So we tried for another the following year.

When I was three months' pregnant the second time my DH had a landmark birthday. I was arranging a party for him so when he left his computer logged in I went on his email to find details of work colleagues etc so I could invite them.

I guess you know where I'm going.

Found some emails from a younger girl he worked with when he was overseas. To a country that at one time he was visiting for 3-4 days twice a month over a period of several years.

I rang him at work and ranted down the phone and he came straight home.

His first action was to delete all the emails from her! I now know that I made a mistake not reading those emails any further.

He also had her name stored under initials in his phone with messages along the lines of "I'm in town, fancy a pint?"

We rowed for a few days and he insisted that although they were suggestive nothing happened blah blah blah. The usual script.

We then went through the charade of a birthday party where he proudly announced that I was pregnant even though we hadn't spoken in weeks. I really I wanted to scream out loud and tell everyone what he'd done.

Eventually after a few months of agonising he apologised for 'upsetting me'. Crucially He stopped going to that country - he sent one of his colleagues instead. And that was that, life carried on as before.

Anyone who knows me would be absolutely shocked that he would do it and also shocked that I had let him get away with it. That's not my style at all as usually I don't put up with crap from anyone.

I have never told anyone. I felt that if I did then that would be beginning of the end. Nor did I want people to think badly of him.

Now he has another big birthday looming and it has brought it all back to me.

I have never felt suspicious about him or checked up on him either before or since but it is eating me up now.

I fear that if I had read those emails back then we would no longer be married - and yet we're happy now.

I got up the other night and tried to google how to retrieve deleted messages and tried to do it on his machine but it wouldn't go far back enough.

But I feel I need to have this out with him once and for all. I know he'll be shocked if I mention it. I guess he thinks he got away with it.

In my heart of hearts I know he had a full blown affair with her. What do I do with that? I don't want to split up so not sure what can be achieved now.

What would you do?

[yetmorecrap]

I am going to pm you OP, I totally understand and have similar

[MoreProseccoNow]

It sounds like his affair has never been confronted & it's eating away at you.

Please be kind to yourself; you were vulnerable & pregnant when it happened.

Is he sorry? Has he ever taken full responsibility for his actions?

[itsuglyhead]

That's exactly it. I was vulnerable and there was a lot going on, we were buying a new house as well.

He only apologised few weeks later when I said "you've never apologised" and he said "I'm sorry if I upset you". That was in the middle of the night and then he turned away and went to sleep.

But without doubt he was apologising for inappropriate emails - and my reaction to them - nothing else.

[MoreProseccoNow]

I think, in order for you to move forward, he needs to take responsibility for his actions & demonstrate remorse. Instead, he's swept it under the carpet & you are left raging.

What do you want to do?

[itsuglyhead]

I think I'm going to write him a letter to get it all out of my system. I don't think I could get everything across in person.

Although I know then he'll begin minimising and it's a bit late now to prove otherwise.

He knows there's something wrong though. About half hour ago he said I've been off with him for weeks and wanted to know what's wrong.

This will be a bolt from the blue for him. He thinks it's all done and dusted years ago.

I'd quite like to see a counsellor as well either alone or together.

[notapizzaeater]

You've never had closure on this - it needs to be discussed honestly in order to move on

[itsuglyhead]

We had it all out last night. I couldn't keep it in. He kept on that he knew something was wrong.

We went round in circles. Him saying I've read more into the situation than it was. Said he deleted the emails because they were inappropriate flirting and I would have been upset but that it was no more than that.

He couldn't understand why I was bringing it up now and was emphatic that he had never ever kissed anyone or touched anyone or been unfaithful to me in any any way at any time.

I told him I'll never believe him no matter what he says and that he's done serious damage to our relationship. so that's where we are.

I've been to beauty salon this morning and the owner just mentioned in passing that they have rented out one of their treatment rooms to a relationship counsellor. It was almost like a sign.

I've just emailed her to ask for an appointment, just for myself initially. Not sure how DH will feel about going but I won't mention it until after I've seen her.

Understandably he just wants to put it all behind us.

[PaintingByNumbers]

i'm really sorry. I hope your dh will finally be honest and your solo counselling works for you. my dh lied for years. the relief when he finally came clean was huge. the secrecy and lies ate away at us. I hope you are able to get the honesty you deserve or make your peace with not getting it if not

[itsuglyhead]

I think that's my dilemma. I want honesty but I can't imagine he will ever deliver that. He really wants it to go away.

Could I handle the truth it anyway?

Once it's confirmed then what?

He said last night he could barely remember her name. Well that's bollocks because he worked with her for years and I certainly remember it.

I almost feel guilty about making him feel bad this morning. As if I've created a row over nothing.

[MoreProseccoNow]

I think, on some level, you are ready to confront things. Are you prepared to split up? Perhaps in addition to counselling, you should have some legal advice, so that you know where you stand.

[yetmorecrap]

As Ive said to you OP on PM, I know totally how you feel- I found councelling helpful, it certainly stopped me reacting on my initial instincts and to be a bit more reflective. As she said to me you dont have to forgive or forget but you do need to make peace with yourself. There is a 50% likelihood he may well be telling the truth too, I have the same issue as you know. To me though it was the fact he even crossed the line, not how much he crossed the line. I am sure what we have experienced seems trivial compared to others but if it makes you feel differently about someonethen it just does and its whether you can get past that however long ago it was. At the moment Im still unsure. I too have a DH who just wants to forget it ever happened.

[another20]

You KNOW he was unfaithful from his history, from your gut, from the emails, from his actions at the time and his actions now.

What do you want from him now?

To know the scale of it? How long, how often, did he love her, where there others?

Will the answer to these Qs change how you feel or what you will do next?

Anyone who has been through this (including myself) knows that it is the lies, minimising, smoke-screening etc that will drive you MAD and are as disrespectful, damaging and a second deep betrayal. Salt in the wounds.

I would seek some counselling to support yourself emotionally - but I would be clear with him that his only chance of this repairing and resolving is all at his door and requires total truth.

[itsuglyhead]

Yes it's the not knowing that is driving me insane.

He was frustrated last night that I'd brought it up but was very contrite and did apologise. But as I said before he seems to apologise for what I've seen rather than what he's done.

I don't want to split up - at this stage it would feel like an over-reaction.

I just don't know what I do want. Do I really want him to look me in the eye and say "yes, I had sex with her" ?

The next question then is when, where, how often, how long.. And so it goes on driving me in circles.

Forgot to mention earlier this woman has actually stayed in my house several times. Which is not unusual for us as we often have his colleagues from overseas staying with us rather than in a hotel. But still it makes me wonder if it was going on then. As far as I can remember I always left for work before him then so they would have our house to themselves.

It's so hard when they've hurt you so much but they're the ones you usually turn to if you're hurt.

[another20]

You already know he has had sex with her - he has form, your gut tells and circumstances tell you this.

You have chosen to ignore it for 10 years. That means that you want to save your marriage and forgive - but also means that you want the truth from him to be able to do this.

You need to tell him that is what you need from him.

[itsuglyhead]

You're right.

We couldn't talk last night as he was home late from work and I went to bed early he's often late home but I think he was avoiding me a bit too.

Sadly it's not going to go away.

[another20]

How are you doing OP? x

[Itsuglyhead]

Sorry Another 20 I couldn't come back on because I'd forgotten my password so couldn't name change.

We're at stalemate really. We've had several long chats about it over the past fortnight, usually ending in me closing down the discussion because I'm upset.

He said he doesn't understand why I'm allowing it to 'fester' after all these years but for me it's never gone away really and I've thought about it a lot more often than he would know.

Reading another thread earlier where the DH has been to Thailand on his own reminded me that my DH has been to Hong Kong twice with his friends.

[totheseaside]

Maybe at the time, brushing it under the carpet was a coping strategy, one that lasted 10 years. It's not surprising with young children actually.
Tom him, it will feel.like dredging up that past, but not if you've avoided facing up to it until now. Perhaps you're going through a new cycle in your life and you feel the need for answers and fresh insight. Your children are becoming older and you perhaps are conscious that your relationship is likely to become more and more prevalent. Do you want it to be?

My DH and I recently finished relationship counselling after he revealed something from.the past in our last session. I was disgusted and it wasn't even close to having an affair, more of a perception he once had of me. I couldn't get past it. The counsellor was less than empathetic to how it made me feel, claiming I can't be angry about something that is in the past now. I disagree.
Sometimes you always know that something is not right and you're not ready to face up to it until later on. For me, I always knew the issue existed but was in denial. I guess it's similar in that the affair is no longer happening, but it doesn't mean you're ready to make peace with whatever happened.
I couldn't continue relationship counselling after this. Just be prepared for whatever may come out and don't always expect the relationship counsellor to be able to empathise with how revelations may make you feel now. Just be prepared to feel vulnerable I guess is what I'm saying. Good luck xx

[Itsuglyhead]

Thanks totheseaside your post makes a lot of sense. And I don't think I was ready to face up to it years ago. As I said in an earlier post, I've never told anyone in RL about it.
We are going through other issues/upheavals in our relationship, including ED. DH is 15 years older than me and nearing retirement and I'm almost resentful of him getting old and the changes that is bringing physically to our relationship, which I know is unfair. Conversely he feels vulnerable because he's getting older and I'll still be 'out there' - in his words - in the real world.
I've been looking for a counsellor (for myself initially, as haven't actually broached that subject with him) but haven't been able to find a suitable one locally as yet. I think he would say we don't need one, but we can't go on like this either.

[totheseaside]

Id recommend going alone first, that way you can make your feelings clearer with the help of the counsellor and without her/him having any sort of feeling about your DH. It really does make a difference. I am not sure my counsellor would have been so empathetic with DH'S past revelations had she not met him. I always find that older ladies seem to want to mother him and I got the feeling from the counsellor.
You could always bring your DH in later on in the counselling, but sounds like you have a lot to get straight in your own head first x

[Oblomov17]

I know this is a bit harsh, but it is a bit unfair of you to bring this up, again, 10 years later.
You did know, 10 years ago. You could have pressed him there and then, to admit it all. But you chose not to. For many reasons.

But 10 years, 10 years, to suppress something, and then bring it up again, is a bit unfair.

[Itsuglyhead]

It doesn't sound harsh Oblomov17, I agree in some ways. But part of me does feel he's got away with 'it', whatever 'it' is.

I think solo counselling is the way forward initially. Everyone I've contacted has been fully booked for foreseeable future. Will keep looking.

[WhooooAmI24601]

I don't think it's unfair to finally be in a place where you're willing and ready and able to discuss something so catastrophic. Perhaps the OP needed time to process it, perhaps she was in shock, perhaps she's spent years mothering over the right course of action. It's no less revolting because it was 10 years ago.

OP it doesn't sound as though he's addressed or owned any of his actions. I think without that, you're going to struggle to move forward. Counselling could help, but you have every right to expect honesty from your DH. The fact that you want to check up on him proves that you're unsure about trust.