Advertisement

loader

Talk

Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

Anyone successfully won their man back round ?

(29 Posts)
whirlywoo Mon 15-May-17 12:09:02

Wether it's your husband or boyfriend or partner After a break up where your made to feel heartbroken and crushed to bits I've been told the best thing to do is to show you are moving on and getting stronger , no contact and show that you don't care about him. Has anyone had experience of this and what happened? Did they come crawling back and change their minds? I don't even know if I would want him back if I end up a stronger person but it would be nice to feel like I've made a difference just for my own self esteem I suppose. Feeling like In the end I was the one to say 'no you had your chance and you can't have me now just because Ive become a better person'

What did you do to make changes in yourself ?
I feel I've stopped hurting for now as I'm just concentrating on trying to turn my life around for me. It's been very very hard! Just curious really about your stories of what happened if they felt they made a mistake leaving?

theaveragewife Mon 15-May-17 12:11:50

Don't waste your time! Just concentrate on you.

HildaOg Mon 15-May-17 12:15:45

Why would you want to? If he loved you he'd never have left, if you manipulated him to come back you'd never be able to trust that he'd not leave again. Why waste your time and energy on someone who doesn't want you? Spend that energy and time on finding someone who does.

Mari50 Mon 15-May-17 12:26:24

I've split and got back together with several boyfriends over the years. It rarely works out and I'm hoping the next time it happens I will have finally worked out that it's always best to just leave it behind instead of trying to resuscitate a dead/dying relationship

sproutsmum Mon 15-May-17 12:26:44

What's the point?
You had to get rid because of his behaviour towards you.
He behaved that way because that's how he thinks , him still wanting you won't ever change that.
You don't need his approval, you are a perfect and whole person without it.
Concentrate on living a good life without feeling like his opinion of you is linked to your worth.
Have fun , fill your time with good stuff, time will pass and he just won't matter one day.

MarthasHarbour Mon 15-May-17 12:30:42

I know someone who has spent the last 15 years waiting for her ex to come crawling back just so she can dump him this time around. She has paraded all kinds of boyfriends in front of him, including his best friend and other acquaintances of his. She is 36 now FFS hmm

Please don't be her. Polish up your self respect and move on smile

Nineinchnails Mon 15-May-17 12:33:37

Well, I split with my DP when we were young, he was heart broken, I just wanted to try other relationships, see the world etc, when he finally moved on two years later. He became more attractive to me and we got back together. Shallow I know, I know. Sorry but it worked here.

SleepFreeZone Mon 15-May-17 12:37:42

You're right that pretending to move on and cut contact is much more likely to make him come back than begging and constantly texting. However I am in agreement with everyone else that it's not worth the bother. Whatever caused the break up will come round again and you'll end up just dragging the heartbreak out.

TheNaze73 Mon 15-May-17 12:47:39

Op, Don't become one of those people, you're better than that.

I had an ex, back in the early 90's, who was giving me ultimatum's to move in with her or she'd end things. Told her no, so we split. For about 5 years after, she'd turn up with different guys in tow at my local. Not once did I think, what if? I just had pity for her.

Don't be a pity figure. You're better than that Op

noego Mon 15-May-17 13:05:06

When you make the decision to move on it is just that. Move on. Never look back. Never haver regrets. It is happening for a reason. Let life unfold for you.

whirlywoo Mon 15-May-17 13:10:35

He left saying he didn't know how he feels about me anymore. We have 2 dcs so it's not like it's just a boyfriend that I can forget and move on knowing Il never see him again. I know what my faults have been and accepted them vowed to become a better person for myself and dc as much as him too.

"You aren't the funloving confident person I met"

I've struggled with pnd and although there's not a miracle cure I do feel I've had a wake up call and I do want to become more confident and work on my self esteem. It's giving me something to focus on anyway instead of crying 24/7

HouseworkIsASin10 Mon 15-May-17 13:15:40

My ex left (me and baby) because he thought the grass was greener. I was gutted, was a total shock.

Month or so down the line he came back crying. He wanted me to take him back 'for the baby's sake'.

Then a lightning bolt hit me and I realised I was doing fine without him. I started thinking about all his 'faults' and how I didn't want to go back to that.

So said sorry, but no.

ohforfoxsake Mon 15-May-17 13:18:18

Oh Whitlywoo none of us are! Parenthood changes us, as it should. No longer are we he centre of our own universe and it's completely unrealistic to expect to be. If that's what he said to you, then he sounds like he is immature with unrealistic expectations.

What is it that you think he wants?

My XH wanted the party girl, he wanted the big family, he wanted me to do it all for him, he wanted the nice house and his dinner cooked for him. I wasn't the girl he fell in love with. (he also wanted to shag around, cake and eat it).

No I fucking wasn't. I was a woman and a mother and that counted for so much more.

That's his excuse and he's blaming you, removing himself from the responsibility of your relationship. Why should you have to change? If he loved you he'd loved you as you are. If he were a proper grown up he'd grow with you.

It's not you. It's him.

ohforfoxsake Mon 15-May-17 13:20:02

Read your last post again OP. He knows you need support and he left you.

The best way you can build your self esteem is to know you are better than that.

I imagine he has played a BIG part in why you feel shit about yourself.

Cloudyapples Mon 15-May-17 13:20:04

So you had pnd and rather than support you and help you, he's left because he can't handle it. Are you sure you want him back op?

Algernonplonkerthethird Mon 15-May-17 13:31:36

I agree he doesn't sound very mature. It will get better, with time. Time you can spend with more supportive people, hopefully.

Buddah101 Mon 15-May-17 13:31:45

"You aren't the fun loving confident person I met" who bloody is after having children. He knew all about you and still chose to leave. Set an example for your children and leave him to it, focussing on number 1 right now which is you, anything that will give you a confidence boost then do it - new job, start a course.

I do believe its true that letting them see how much you've moved on gets them coming back, only have experience as a teenager with no children of course, but my ex dumped me after just over a year, I'll admit I sat and sobbed for weeks - I was 20 and still at college and I ended up having to resit the year as I was a mess (first serious relationship - and I was pretty young for my age, but I pity that young stupid girl now!). So on I moved, got into university and got my life back together, enter the ex who found the grass hadnt been greener. By this time I was with my now DP, So I met up with ex over dinner to listen to what he had to say, out of curiosity really, he thought things would be going his way but half way through dinner I nipped to the toilets and left. Got in the car and came home.

I couldn't listen to his whiny voice for 1 second longer moaning about how bad it had been for him. Look after yourself op, its shit right now but I'm usually right when I say the person who got dumped is usually the one to come out of things much better off.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 15-May-17 14:25:21

How are you finding life now he's gone? How much childcare / co-parenting is he doing? What about the housework and life management side of things, is that easier/harder/same? Money OK?

whirlywoo Mon 15-May-17 17:10:46

Runrabbit things are .... ok I think

Basically if I could think of anything that is wrong in my life right now it would be that I'm hurting from what's happened. Worried about the heartbreak when I find out he's with someone else. It hurts that he is being so nice to the kids and that's something that always got me down and I told him that multiple times. We never spent any time together as a family and he would never be in a good mood With the boys. Now we are separated he's really nice with them and fun.

Money side of things I'm ok as he is still paying the bills and rent and things but does that mean I shouldn't ask for maintenance if he's paying for that surely? He has no money after bills and things and just staying on his mates sofa. So it makes me think he must really really hate me and not love me if he's choosing that life over being with us. But then again he has that freedom now I suppose.

RunRabbitRunRabbit Mon 15-May-17 17:49:34

I'm no expert on this but it does seem to be that in these situations there is almost certainly another woman on the scene. He and she will just happen to get together with in the next few weeks, he will swear there was nothing going on before you split, some months later the truth will come out.

jeaux90 Mon 15-May-17 19:07:52

Staying on his mates sofa. Are you sure?

Tazerface Mon 15-May-17 19:21:29

I can almost guarantee you the second you don't seem upset or interested in him is when all of a sudden he wants you back.

I'm sorry whirly flowers

Wolfiefan Mon 15-May-17 19:25:07

So he walked away when you needed him most? You don't need to win him back. (People aren't prizes to be won or belongings to lose.) You need to get well and happy and find a partner who will love and support you through good times and bad.

AnthonyPandy Mon 15-May-17 19:31:22

THE BEAUTIFUL SOUTH

I need a little time
To think it over
I need a little space
Just on my own
I need a little time
To find my freedom
I need a little
Funny how quick the milk turns sour
Isn't it, isn't it
Your face has been looking like that for hours
Hasn't it, hasn't it
Promises, promises turn to dust
Wedding bells just turn to rust
Trust into mistrust
I need a little room
To find myself
I need a little space
To work it out
I need a little room
All alone
I need a little
You need a little room for your big head
Don't you, don't you
You need a little space for a thousand beds
Won't you, won't you
Lips that promise fear the worst
Tongue so sharp the bubble burst
Just into unjust
I've had a little time
To find the truth
Now I've had a little room
To check what's wrong
I've had…

AnthonyPandy Mon 15-May-17 19:32:08

Just move on OK. There's someone better for you out there.

Join the discussion

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now