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Confused, hurting and need advice

(10 Posts)
user1494838160 Mon 15-May-17 10:02:30

I met my partner 2 years ago, we both have so much in common, I have two children he has a son. Falling in love with him wasn't hard, we both had been through bad breakups and both

user1494838160 Mon 15-May-17 10:09:28

felt ready to move on with someone new. We have had an amazing relationship and after 9.months I moved me and my children from my town to his. I had a lot of friends mutually with him here anyway so it felt a good decision. Fast forward another 15 months and he's just walked out on me. He says he finds it hard watching my kids grow up when we only get to see his son every 2 weeks. He says at 28 he is not mature enough and needs to get his own place to gain independence and some space. He says he loves me and wants to continue our relationship. I feel I've compromised so much already and he can't even come home and work through our issues. We had a fight and he walked and now saying he can't live with me just now. What should I do? Should I see how it goes with this living apart but still togehter or cut my loss. I want to believe this is a good thing but I am a firm believer in all or nothing but I do love him and know we are great together help!

TheNaze73 Mon 15-May-17 10:34:31

As hard as it may appear, it all seems too much, too quickly.
I totally get where he's coming from, you've been through a lot together already. I think it takes at least 5 years, to fully understand what someone else is like.
You have two options here, if it's a dealclincher, you end it. If however, you give your relationship a chance to breathe, I think you'll see the long term benefits.

Remember, nothing grows in the shade. If you want it & him, give it some space

user1494838160 Mon 15-May-17 15:09:20

Thanks for your reply. I do want to give it a go but I'm scared he is too selfish and immature to ever have a future with. I don't know of this space and independence is just going to make him want to.move In with me in the future even less likely.

Has anyone tried this separate living arrangement?

jouu Mon 15-May-17 16:02:06

I am a firm believer in all or nothing

The fact that you believe in all or nothing, is not a sign that this point of view makes sense in reality.

My partner and I do not live together (I have DC, he doesn't), we love and support each other in every way you can think of, except I don't involve DC in DP's life beyond meals or days out together. It works wonderfully and we're all very happy.

Absolutely no need to live together in order to love each other. We have a cultural obsession with living together because not so long ago, human beings had to live in groups in order to survive, and habits die hard. But that's not the world we live in anymore. We can choose what living arrangement works best for us as individuals (DC included).

I agree with TheNaze. Was much too fast, especially with children involved. I'd take a big step back and rebuild a life where you don't need a man living in your home in order to feel loved/safe/happy.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 15-May-17 16:04:49

My exh was in a similar frame of mind. .
Over 4 years later and he turned into a bitter lying man who resented my dc. The day I threw him out was better than our wedding day.
Don't hold your breath waiting for a happy ending. .

user1494838160 Mon 15-May-17 16:28:16

Thank you for your replies.

Jouu - this is the thing, he promised me he wanted this, but obviously reality 15 months on is that it isn't making him happy. We have split up before when we lived together in our last property. He left for 5 days when I told him to leave - which was over my daughter too. He said he felt he has no say in his own home but the next breath was saying he isn't her father etc. I had the same opinion with the all or nothing, as in he gets a say if he wants to be a father like role model and if he doesn't he is just my partner with little input in how I raise her.

I don't feel I need a man. I left my 5 year marriage as I was so unhappy being verbally abused daily. I spent a year alone which was lovely, I became too independent if anything. Then I met him and we spent every moment together as a couple and a family. Everything worked great then and it wasn't me who was in a rush to move in with him. He was so unhappy living at home with his parents. He has never lived alone either which he claims is the issue. He has lived a very sheltered life. He didn't even live with his baby's mother before they split (lived with her parents and was probably the cause of their breakup)

I'm also battling his mother. I don't think she has ever liked me or knows what he is like and knows he wouldn't be able to cope.

jouu Mon 15-May-17 17:10:01

"he promised me he wanted this"
I understand that he must have said a lot of lovely things for you to rush into living with him so quickly.

I want to point out that his actions though, the real world things that you could have observed, clearly contradicted the idea that you should set up house with him.... you split up before, he is sheltered, he lived at home and was unhappy * , which clearly would have greatly influenced him perceiving that he'd rather live with you... and his mother doesn't like you, or think he could "cope".

My opinion, and I'm just some random on t'internet of course, is to cut this man loose and take the lesson of "talk is cheap". IMO it takes several years of close contact to start to really know another human being. And, while hearing that human being describe themselves is one way of learning the truth about them, the most effective method is to simply and quietly watch the other person exist and interact with the world for a period of a year or two.

Actions speak much louder than words. It's easy to lie with words (especially to oneself - I would bet he didn't mean to deceive you when he said he "wanted this"). It's very difficult to lie with your actions for longer than a year, at most.

* Another note on this... be wary of allowing another person to make a decision with you that amounts to them running away from an element of their lives, rather than moving confidently towards something new with you.

wannabestressfree Mon 15-May-17 17:15:06

I have a similar relationship to jouu in that dp and I have been together nearly 7 years and don't live together. I live with my sons he lives with his grown up kids. I am laid back and have a relaxed parenting style- he does not hence the keen to keep things the way it is.
You have sacrificed things for him but living together is not the be all and end all. Date, sort out differences. We always seem to be in a rush and that's when things go wrong. My kids didn't even meet dp for a year.....

user1494838160 Tue 16-May-17 11:06:51

Thank you again for your replies. You ladies sound very strong and having read these over and over I have put my foot down and standing strong on my all of nothing motto.

Thank you x

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