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New partner babysitting

(32 Posts)
Mari50 Mon 15-May-17 09:48:41

This isn't really relationships but I'm not sure where else to put it.
My exP has mentioned he's working a weekend that he has DD, I'm assuming that he intends for his new gf to look after DD but I'd prefer she spent the tume with me than someone she's met twice. Do I have to accept his choice of childcare or is it reasonable that dd spend the day with me and he can pick her up once he's finished work.

MyheartbelongstoG Mon 15-May-17 09:49:59

Have you spoken to him?

ComeBackWillyWillpower Mon 15-May-17 09:55:38

I think you should accept it, how will she get to know her better if she doesn't spend time with her? It should be up to him to decide who he leaves her with whilst in his care the same as if you left her with someone when she's in your care.

Want2beme Mon 15-May-17 09:58:15

You are entitled to know who will be caring for your DD, if your x isn't going to be there. Have you met his GF? Is it the norm for new GFs to mind their DPs DC? Sounds a bit unusual to me. I would've thought the whole idea of x having your DD is for him to be with her, not for DD to be left with someone else. Maybe someone who knows more about this will be able to help. If I had a DD, I wouldn't want my her left with someone other than her parent.

Mari50 Mon 15-May-17 10:08:59

I haven't met her.
When she's in my care I leave her with people she knows (grandparents/aunties) not someone she's met twice.
However I did expect there would be an attitude of 'it's his time and he should decide' so I just wanted to sound out if I was being unreasonable.
There is no point discussing it with him. Prior to meeting gf he would regularly cancel weekends with DD if he was working or going out doing his hobby so it is a bit irksome.

MsGameandWatch Mon 15-May-17 10:09:12

It's up to him I suppose hmm but it would really grip me to have to give up time with my kids so that my exes new squeeze could spend time with them because he was at work and so the actual parent wasn't even with them.

Mari50 Mon 15-May-17 10:12:20

That's my problem too I guess, I only get every other weekend with her as does he and it seems crazy that she spends one of those weekends with someone who isn't even her parent, I know she'd prefer to be with me. I don't ever not have her on my weekends so there's nothing for me to compare it with.

histinyhandsarefrozen Mon 15-May-17 10:12:34

I would say to him, in a friendly way, "If you've got to work, I'll have xx and you can pick her up on the way back or in the morning...whatever..."

I can't imagine why new GF's are so keen to look after new BF's children. I think it's totally bizarre of them, but I know people who jump in like this.

Branleuse Mon 15-May-17 10:15:28

if youre not happy with it just say that he can collect her later. Its not fair for him to palm her off on his new gf when youre happy to have her

HildaOg Mon 15-May-17 10:21:15

No way would I let a stranger babysit my kid and if he's that irresponsible then you need to take control. Talk to him.

anon1987 Mon 15-May-17 10:21:17

I think it's perfectly reasonable to say no to her babysitting.
If you were a man and it was a case of your ex wife getting her new male partner to babysit (that you never met) I think MN would be more alarmed by that.

I don't see the difference tbh.
You don't know her temperament, you don't know what company she keeps, her ability to keep your child safe etc etc.

I personally don't think it's suitable to allow what is in all fairness a stranger, to care for your child. You know her know better then you know me after all.

anon1987 Mon 15-May-17 10:22:31

Glad to read that most people on this thread agree smile

Mari50 Mon 15-May-17 10:25:21

Me too. I have to say DD seems to like gf well enough and I have no problems with exP new relationship. It just seems that we get precious little quality time and to spend a weekend with a relative stranger instead of a parent is a real shame. For everyone concerned. Gf is a bit over keen though so I imagine she would be delighted to babysit. Which is do find odd.

histinyhandsarefrozen Mon 15-May-17 10:40:32

The thing is - whether we all agree or not - whether it's a good idea or not - the fact is, it really is up to him.

So try not to get his back up and play it cautiously at this stage.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Mon 15-May-17 10:45:56

Why is the fact the gf is trying to make the effort with your dd such an issue?
Would you rather get a text from ex saying she didn't want anything to do with her!?
He is entitled to decide who babysits when dd is in his time.
Unfortunately suck it up is appropriate on this one. .

venusandmars Mon 15-May-17 10:56:31

I understand how difficult it feels, but really if your dd is with him every other weekend then it is his responsibility to arrange for her care. It might feel equally difficult if your ex was supposed to have her but then kept calling on you if he had to work - you might say you wouldn't mind, but if you had made plans or if you had to work too then it might not be possible for your dd always to be with you. It's part of your dd living a real life with him, not a Disney-dad existence.

I've been in your situation and I know that it hurts, but despite the many posters who will support your viewpoint, you don't get to vet his choices, any more than he gets to say whether you leave your dd with your parents / family / childminder / babysitter / friend.

Mari50 Mon 15-May-17 11:05:07

If I met someone and he asked me to babysit when the child's mother was keen to spend time with her own child I'd acquiesce every time.
I don't understand a strangers need to ingratiate herself in my child's life when my child isn't ready for it. This may be a drip feed, apologies if it is, but she came back from her dads this weekend upset that his girlfriend was there the whole weekend, she only met her for the first time the last time she was at her dads. I think if the next weekend she's at her dads that it's spend entirely with gf and not with her dad (he'll be working sat/sun) she might be even more unsettled. Who knows? Anyway, I'll play it slowly for now as I realise it's his time/his call.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 15-May-17 11:14:32

Do you have a court order?

Because if not, then you are within your rights to say that contact time is intended to be for the CHILD to spend time with its other parent, and if that parent is not there then you wish to formalise things so that your DD is not subjected to meaningless 'contact' which translates as spending entire weekends away from her home but not with her dad, simply so that he can say that he 'had contact'. That's not in her best interests.

You can leave the girlfriend out of it. It would be the same if he were having her sent to a childminder. It's not good for your DD, and the reason it isn't good is because it's not actually contact.

So you say to him - either we get our heads together ourselves so we can ensure that the vast majority of time DD comes to you you are actually there - or we can take it to court to formalise it. Point out to him that HE is losing out - not only on actual contact, but also DD is uspet about it and it's gonig to end up with her saying she doesn't want to go. Stress that you would actually prefer their relationship to stay good for DD's sake as well as preferrign for your child to not be needlessly distressed, and that you are willing to work together to try and improve it. For example, days he is working you are perfectly ok to keep her with you say until late afternoon, then drop her - maybe to girlfriend for an hour before he comes home, no problem with girlfriend being involved and getting to know her - then maybe the time could be made up with an extra evening with Daddy in the week.

Stress that DD comes first and that's what this is about. If he can't see that or simply has a problem with you wanting to have input here, then just stop her going when he's at work and tell him to take it to court.

histinyhandsarefrozen Mon 15-May-17 11:17:09

Would you rather get a text from ex saying she didn't want anything to do with her!?

It doesn't have to be a choice between full-on or nothing, does it? Most people do manage to find a middle way.

Why do women do this, suddenly leap into a child-caring role for their new BF's kids? To me it says they're either not very bright or don't have a lot going on in their own lives...I suppose it's very nice for a lazy type of guy to find someone else to do their parenting for them.

susiestripes Mon 15-May-17 11:20:20

I wouldn't accept this.

If the parent is unavailable, the child should be with the other parent, a grandparent or other relative they have a relationship with.

Not a relatively new person in their life they have only met once or twice.

Nothing to do with it being the exes new girlfriend, just someone the child is not familiar with.

Mari50 Mon 15-May-17 11:26:53

FizzyGreenWater- interesting.
I don't want to be really militant about this, my relationship with her dad isn't good at the moment, he was sexually and emotionally abusive and I'm trying to work out a way to deal with him that doesn't let him manipulate me the way he has in the past. He can be controlling and he is definitely using DD and access to exert control at the moment.
All I want to do is to make sure is that her weekends are spent with either myself or her dad not some random. I have a bf at the moment and I wouldn't even dream of introducing him to my DD let alone leaving her in his care- and if I did I know her dad would go absolutely mental.

QuiteLikely5 Mon 15-May-17 11:28:51

You said he cancelled weekends for work in the past - well now he has a solution to that problem.

He will be coming home after work each night I take it? So he will get to see your DD

I'm sure the GF will treat her to a lovely day.

You have your DD most evenings so although this is not ideal I don't see the point in resisting the set up unless your child is at risk of harm- which she isn't

Allthebestnamesareused Mon 15-May-17 11:30:11

Think of all the threads where ops complain about absent Dads cancelling contact time and forcing resident Mum to give up activities they have planned on their "off" weekend because they can't have the kids for work or whatever reason. We'd say their weekend their problem! I assume he'll see dd before and after work.

If it is a one off suggest the drop off and pick up if it's because she is so new a gf. Otherwise be thankful he is arranging something rather than dumping it on you

Mari50 Mon 15-May-17 11:31:49

He doesn't have to work weekends, he's self employed, he chose to work weekends that he was meant to have DD, he also chose to do his hobby and cancelled weekends he was meant to have her. It was entirely his choice and until he had someone to impress with his Disney dad routine he really didn't make a lot of effort to see her regularly. That's probably what's annoying me.

FizzyGreenWater Mon 15-May-17 11:53:42

he was sexually and emotionally abusive

he is definitely using DD and access to exert control at the moment.

He doesn't have to work weekends, he's self employed, he chose to work weekends that he was meant to have DD, he also chose to do his hobby and cancelled weekends he was meant to have her. It was entirely his choice and until he had someone to impress with his Disney dad routine he really didn't make a lot of effort to see her regularly.

Wow, what a totally non-suprising set of updates.

The thing I would focus on is the fact that it is glaringly obvious that your ex does not give a shiny shit about his daughter. So - think of it this way - putting her first - what is best?

If he cared about her welfare, he would
-not be abusing you
-want to be with her on contact and in her life as much as possible and not choose to work when he doesn't need to on contact days
-care about things like not upsetting her by leaving her with a virtual stranger all day or by upsettign her by cancelling contact etc.

He doesn't care about her.

So - thinking ahead, it follows that if you prioritise contact (in the way that a normal parent would as it is good for the child), then what she is actually going to get is:

- being used as a pawn for him to hurt you
- not getting actual contact, because he isn't interested in spending time with her - rather, he'll just start lying about his work schedule and babysitting plans
- eventually, her very possibly being dropped when either a girlfriend wants a man without a child in tow OR he has a baby with someone else.

I think if you frame it like this in your head you will more likely end up fighting for what will eventually be your DD's best interests. The thing is how to work it, because if he's like this, then yes he will fight back NOT for the sake of your DD but in order to hurt you.

(Men like this are the lowest of the low, btw).

I think in the first instance then I would be inclined to refuse to let her go if he was working, and keep repeating that it's not in her best interests to go and be babysat, she dislikes it, you would rather her stay enthusiastic about contact, you would rather her like the new GF and not associate her with being bored and ignored by her dad. Reapeatedly ask why he is choosing to work on contact weekends, and say that if he can't sort it then please - go to court and we can get an access schedule agreed which allows him to get real contact even if it means him having her on some weekdays.

Turn it into 'my aim is for you to have more contact' and you may see him simply back off (because he doesn't actually want more contact or much contact at all if he can help it ). Point out sweetly that if he is having trouble being there for weekend contact then you are completely up for having a court schedule a better routine to give him better quality time - make sure you make the point that court will be concerned that access clearly isn't working for him if he's not there and that THEY will want to see that he gets the opportunity to spend quality time with his DD. This is a subtle way of letting him know that court will sid ewith you - they also won't want to see access where the child is actually not getting contact.

But in the long term - let him disappear, I'd say. He doesn't care about your DD. He will likely have other children and move on and ultimately she will probably be better off once he does sad

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