Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

She keeps threatening to divorce him?

(18 Posts)
Bookfox Mon 15-May-17 09:27:42

My brother has been married for 5 years and has a 2 year old son. I would never actively get involved in their relationship but I just would like some opinions on her constant threats to divorce / leave / throw out him which has been going on for years now and seems little more than an attempt to control him. I actually think she might be being abusive towards him.

To give an example of the sort of things that cause her to threaten him a few weeks ago it was the bank holiday, my brother is self employed but works through a particular company to get work. It turned out that he would have to work the bank holiday in order to be on the job for that week. She did not want to be left on her own all day with their son so got very angry at my brother and said if he wasn't going to be there for her on the bank holiday he should just move out and back to his mothers. He eventually relented and his spot on the job went to another guy and he lost a weeks wages, this also infuriated her and again she threatened to divorce him.

It's just constant and while he does put up with it now I can see at one point he will just snap and go which isn't what she wants she just wants him always do exactly as she wants.

I'm not suggesting my brother is perfect but I do think her behaviour towards him is abusive but perhaps this is considered ok?

chantico Mon 15-May-17 09:29:21

As you have described it, no.

But I wouldn't even begin to assume you're being told anything close to the full story.

TheNaze73 Mon 15-May-17 09:38:02

She sounds like a high maintenance prick. No one should put up with that. Your DB should bin her off

Cricrichan Mon 15-May-17 09:42:55

If it's as you say then she's been an arsehole. But maybe she needs a break or someone there for her. I'd talk to your brother and encourage him to sit down with his wife and discuss their problems and what they can do to make it better. If she doesn't work, then maybe it'd be better if she gets a job to get a break from parenting. Maybe they need to get a cleaner or maybe she can get involved in his business. And they should have an agreement where for x amount of times a week, whenever possible , he closed his laptop and takes over parenting and she can go to the gym or do what she wants or they can get a babysitter and go out together etc.

blackteasplease Mon 15-May-17 09:44:28

I agree with chantico.

noego Mon 15-May-17 09:44:40

Not your problem. He's a grown man. One day he will wake up and then stand by for the fall out.
These are the type of guys that end up having affairs.

OfficiallyUnofficial Mon 15-May-17 09:46:48

Actually I do think that's slightly emotionally abusive yes. He must feel constantly stressed.

PaintingByNumbers Mon 15-May-17 09:50:33

chantico has it. who knows what is driving this behaviour? it may or may not be the full story

Neverknowing Mon 15-May-17 10:02:54

I agree with PPs who say it's probably not the full story but also if she's doing this all the time she's probably unstable anyway. He should leave her anyways, they're eventually going to break up and it's not going to be nice.

Bookfox Mon 15-May-17 10:04:04

I do know more details but I'm reluctant to post too many details as it's not about me but someone else. I was more trying to gage whether the constant threats to divorce as a means to control were seen as abusive?

She works full time and actually does very little childcare as my brother and mum do the bulk of the childcare although not to her high standard which is another constant cause of conflict. She only really has her some one day a week and is often too hung over to care for him on her own on that day so it is my DB who never gets a break from working or childcare to exercise or see friends.

Bookfox Mon 15-May-17 10:06:43

I agree that she is unstable. I think they could be happy if they got some help and she learned to be less controlling. In many ways I feel really sad for her as she had a horrible childhood and was neglected by her own parents. In many ways it's a miracle she is not much worse than she is.

Farahilda Mon 15-May-17 10:09:20

That assuming Neverknowing that the DBro is telling, not just the truth, but the whole truth.

She might be at the end of her tether for a number of reasons. He might not be listening properly to her.

She might be giving his what she thinks is fair warning that something has to change or it's the end of the road. And he's whining about that to his sister, rather than talking to her about what needs to change to make the relationship work for both of them.

Of of course she's just an an reasonable cow.

There's too much we don't know about this one. What Ol should do is be there to support her DBro come what may (on the basis that blood is thicker than water). But - as far as possible - to avoid making judgements in the state of his marriage (hard, if close to sibling), or at least always remember that things may not be as he portrays them.

Farahilda Mon 15-May-17 10:10:39

Slowish typing

X-ed with OP's posts

SherlockStones Mon 15-May-17 10:12:22

Ah yes it's "obviously not the full story" when it's a man but taken as gospel when it's a woman.

And if it was indeed a woman who was being told she'd be divorced all the time it would be a different tune in here.

OP that does sound emotionally abusive to me.

chantico Mon 15-May-17 10:26:48

It obviously wasn't the whole story when I posted - OP has said as much and has added some detail.

And we now know that OP is withholding (some unknown amount of) the wider picture, but still wants views on one behaviour. Which, as I said, as described by OP here is unreasonable.

Farahilda Mon 15-May-17 10:28:54

Does your DBro want to end or to repair his marriage?

But as you say in OP, you don't want to get actively involved in their relationship, what do you want from this thread?

junebirthdaygirl Mon 15-May-17 10:34:29

He needs to call her bluff. It sounds like she goes fron A to Z quite quickly with nothing in between. Next time he needs to say calmly thats fine. I will stay at dm on my way home from work. It could be a habit she has got into and needs to see how it feels if he carries it through.
I have a df who came from a very unstable home whose first response with her husband was she was leaving. Big drama. After counselling she said she never intended to leave but had never learnt a way of communicatating her upset except by going for all out.
Your db is being emotionally blackmailed and needs to look at why he gives in. He could get some counselling himself.

dadblokechap42 Mon 15-May-17 10:55:23

Sounds not unlike my life. Held to ransom over my weight, and holidays in the past.

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: