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Need help putting my pants on

(24 Posts)
KingKongHadABigDong Mon 15-May-17 00:28:34

My big girl pants that is. DP and I have been struggling the last few months we have had a few arguments and have been on the brink of splitting up. Well tonight we talked and he decided just now we should just be friends and see if we can find a bit of clarity. We have talked about this option before but neither of us felt we really wanted that.

So tonight he decided to try it. Now I know it makes sense but the reality is just so hard. I didn't expect to feel so overwhelmed with my emotions, I feel numb. We will still speak everyday just now while we figure out what to do. I just have a gut feeling that this will not be a temporary measure and that is terrifying. I can't seem to rationalise that this is for the best and it makes perfect sense. We were together over 2 years. He's my best friend, I love him so much, he still loves me too. I forgot how painfully breakups can be. I need to put my big girl pants on. I hate this sad

scoobydoo1971 Mon 15-May-17 00:46:25

Reading between the lines....HE decided we should be just friends. I shall translate...he means that HE feels he should be able to have sex with other women, while keeping you on the side as a back up option. Your big girl pants need to pull the plug on this arrangement, which may include the love of your life having good times with other women and confiding in you as his 'pal'...and you putting your life on hold, including the possibility of meeting someone who is treasuring you and worshipping your every breath...while he 'finds' himself (in the beds of other ladies)....big pants need big measures...they need to say to Prince Charming that he needs to go find himself, and cut contact because otherwise it will be hell and torture for you.

meladeso Mon 15-May-17 00:47:13

sorry to hear that

were you friends before you were DPs?

KingKongHadABigDong Mon 15-May-17 00:53:26

Scoobydoo, that was quite a read. I think the general concerns of tonight was we will do this and see if it's the right thing to do. He's not the sleeping around type. He was single for 3 years before we got together. But you've definitely given me something to think about there. If this is a permanent thing I will cut contact. We both have some soul searching to do I just didn't expect to feel so overwhelmed with emotion.

KingKongHadABigDong Mon 15-May-17 00:57:47

Meladso no we didn't know each other before. We are/we're incredibly close we always said if we couldn't work things out we would stay friends. But the reality of that is very different. We do need this break to get some perspective but I need some perspective to get that perspective I just wish it hadn't come to this

meladeso Mon 15-May-17 01:04:02

i only ask because if it is a permanent thing, and you weren't friends before, i don't think you can hope to be so after.

if there isn't a friendship to return to, if you see what i mean.

the other poster makes good points - whether or not it's about playing the field, it certainly sounds as though he might be more ready for this than you are.

i'm afraid i think it sounds like the first step to the permanent thing, too. so don't let it drag on too long for your own sake - be kind to yourself and brave enough to walk away once you realise that's where this is headed.

flowers for you OP

KingKongHadABigDong Mon 15-May-17 01:17:46

Thank you. What you've said about him being more ready, that's why I think it's heading towards permanent. They way he spoke at times I knew that he was giving up. I don't blame him we've had several stupid arguments recently and we have both been struggling of the back of it. At the moment it's only been a few hours since I left his. So it's pretty raw. Either we just need a bit of space and then look to pick things back up or space will lead to a permanent break. We had a good couple of weeks we were both trying hard but then on Friday night we ended up having the same row. I texted him on saturday night saying me might have to face facts and try a separation and we had discussed this option before just not gone through with it so it's not as if it's come out of nowhere. I suppose in the days and weeks to come things will become clearer. I know I'm rambling I'm just trying to un fog my thoughts and feelings. I'm an overthinker for my sins and it does not help these types of situations.

KingKongHadABigDong Mon 15-May-17 01:19:01

You make a good point about there being no friendship to return to. Think I'm going to need 2 pairs of big girl pants for this and a hard hat.

user1491572121 Mon 15-May-17 01:32:11

Tell him you don't want to talk everyday. Take a massive step back and tell him you will call HIM when you're ready.

It will make things more clear and he might see you're not reliant on him.

KingKongHadABigDong Mon 15-May-17 01:40:38

Thank you user. That seems like sound advice to me. I don't want to make this easy for him. In that if it is a permanent thing I'll be his crutch until he decides to move on. I read this board quite a lot and I have picked up some very useful advice on other threads. Seeing things written down from an un biased point of view helps so much. And I can come back and re read when I'm struggling

TheSockGoblin Mon 15-May-17 01:57:23

Sorry you're going through this. A few things which helped me in a recent long term relationship break up which might help you -

Don't bottle up how you're feeling, but stay as busy and as focused on yourself as you can. The first couple of weeks are the hardest when taking a break or transitioning into break up - especially if you're used to talking daily.

I second the advice that the best thing you can do is not be totally available at all times - you need to give yourself some space to process and to look after yourself and do a lot of self-care. Try and bring as much energy as possible back to yourself, rather than focusing it on him and how he's feeling (I know that's easier said than done!!). If you do that it will give you a much better reconnection with yourself - whether you decide to stay together or not.

While it's raw my advice is try not to focus on who did what wrong and what might happen next. Focus just on yourself and being really kind to yourself for a few days. Try and see it as a chance to get some space and perspective. It's so easy when in a relaitonship to have a great deal of mental energy all tied up with the other person, even if you don't fully realise it. After a few days, if you practice some self-compasison and taking care of yourself, you'll probably find you feel much more centered and clearer about what you want and have a greater ability to analyse the issues between you and your DP in a healthy way.

Good luck, it will get easier. x

KingKongHadABigDong Mon 15-May-17 02:09:47

Brilliant advice SockGoblin. I'll do exactly that or at least try to. I already feel better having read tonight's posts. I don't know how I managed the drive home I was dazed and numb. I cried a lot and I'm an I ugly crier too. blush I have 2 dc (not his) they will keep me busy and my mind of him especially the part where you say who did what wrong and what is going to happen. My self esteem has taken a bit of a battering lately I'll concentrate on getting that back. Thank you for taking the time to post that was really helpful advice

AlmostAJillSandwich Mon 15-May-17 02:28:18

Me and my partner split up 3rd may 2015 because he started suffering depression and anxiety and needed space and time, especially as i have depression and anxiety too and he was finding it all too stressful. He was and still is the love of my life, and when we split one of the first things i said was how i had genuinely believed we would marry one day, and his response was "maybe we will" so given hope from the off it might be temporary. 2 years on still just friends, theres been several months hes been completely out of contact for a month at a time, i'm still waiting and hoping with no idea where i stand, just in limbo. It's awful. But the longer i wait the more im unhappy but i just can't give up til he says it's done for good.

TheNaze73 Mon 15-May-17 07:03:48

I've read his actions as:
I'm bored, I'm going to keep you as a fallback option & I have someone else lined up to have sex with.

GreenRut Mon 15-May-17 07:11:37

Sorry op. He's definitely keeping his options open. Why would you want to be friends with someone who would do that? I don't want to upset you, but he's not your friend, he's your ex partner. My long time ago ex used to do this all the time. I used to be so grateful he wanted to still be my friend!

Also, you say you've had lots of silly arguments. I know every relationship is different but my dh and i have many many silly arguments. They don't amount to either of us then saying ok let's just be friends. So I think there's more to it than the arguments (you don't say what those arguments are about though?), and maybe he is just using them as his way out?

Either way - if he doesn't want to be with you - show him exactly what that looks like - don't speak to him (what for?!), fake it til you make it. If he comes crawling back I'd not necessarily get back with him either, but you'll know the right thing to do at that point in time.


KingKongHadABigDong Mon 15-May-17 08:42:32

AlmostAJillSandwich I'm sorry to hear that. That's an awful situation for it to go on that long. Hopefully you will find the strength to move on and be happy. Some good advice on here maybe it will help you flowers

KingKongHadABigDong Mon 15-May-17 08:44:04

TheNaze73 definitely food for thought. I don't think there is anyone else but of course I could be wrong and naive time will tell

KingKongHadABigDong Mon 15-May-17 08:54:19

GreenRut the arguments basically mounted me not seeing enough of him due to his work. He definitely was at work no OW. He starts a new job and this was supposed to make things easier for us. This has been an ongoing issue. Things had improved greatly but not enough obviously. So basically he's picked single life over going the extra mile to fix the cause of our argument. Speaks volumes. Like I said before my own self esteem isn't great right now largely down the the ongoing feeling of I'm not a huge priority. I'll work on that before I do anything else.

I will make a point of not being his 'friend' and not speak to him. I think I know deep down that this is over and for the right reasons. Doesn't feel great at the moment but eventually it will work out for the best.

KingKongHadABigDong Mon 15-May-17 11:46:23

Thanks again to everyone for taking the time to post your advice. It's helped no end to get some perspective. I have decided no contact is the only way to go while things become clearer. Big girl pants are on!

KingKongHadABigDong Mon 15-May-17 21:14:35

I got a text this lunchtime, just a general hi how are you. I waited until the kids were in bed to reply with I don't want to be in contact with him everyday and I will call him if and when I'm ready. Does that mean I'm now giving him hope because I'm feeling like it's already dead in the water now the initial emotions have passed. He replied saying he only made a suggestion and didn't think I would cut him out completely. I replied saying I asked him last night if he was 100% certain that's what he wanted and he said yes just now. He replied saying he didn't want to talk about what he meant by what he said and he would leave me to clear my head. So I've left it at that. The difference in my thought process since last night. The whole stress of is it working or not has been affecting my mood I feel so much calmer now I can put the distance there. Thanks you lovely bunch for talking me out of a disaster

meladeso Tue 16-May-17 07:47:06

Well done! I know it is so sad, but really - well done.
You will feel better for having taking control of the situation, even though it hurts.
I was once (early twenties) on the receiving end of that - as in, the other way round.
I had broken up with my first very serious DP, and was very sad, and finding it hard to let go although I knew it wasn't right, hence me ending it.
We agreed to be in touch as we'd miss each other so much.
And we were for a while, every night, and it made it easier to sort of pretend we didn't have to get used to being without each other now.
And then one night he very gently told me he didn't want me to call any more, that it was making him too sad. That he was waiting for my call, and it wasn't good for him.
So grown up at the age we were!
I was heartbroken, as was he, but I knew he was right.

We are now married to other people and very dear friends. But - we were friends to begin with and part of a very close knit wider group. And there was certainly many years in the middle where we had avoided contact.

I think I'm telling you this as an alternative to the "he wants to have his cake and eat it" / "keep you as backup" perspective.

I don't know the details of your relationship, but it may be meant with no malice, just that it's hard for him to let go too, if you're very fond of each other.

Hope that helps a little.

KingKongHadABigDong Tue 16-May-17 15:59:02

Meladso I genuinely don't think there was any malaice in his decision. That makes it harder than if I had a reason to be angry with him. It's just one of these things we need to do. My upset came from the way the decision was made, although it had been mentioned before he decided not both of us. But I guess it could just as easily have been me that decided at one point or another. I was going to post and ask about the general he's got someone else lined up to have sex with response. Is that people chalking it down to their own experience and does anyone ever just split because it's the right thing to do and their is no one else involved. I didn't ask because I couldn't word it with out coming across like I was defending him. I've seen what happens on threads when someone does that. You've answered question for me.

Thank you. smile

Adora10 Tue 16-May-17 16:21:25

An awful lot of doubt here for a relationship of 2 years, you should both still be in the honeymoon position or at least planning your future together, it's not looking good and be aware OP we never want to see the negatives but that doesn't mean he's being completely honest here and I'd be very cautious, sounds like you are on top of it anyway, just don't be fooled as we are all guilty of ignoring signs etc when we love someone.

Also this was HIS decision and no you can't stay friends and talk every day (whilst he is doing what exactly in his spare time).

KingKongHadABigDong Tue 16-May-17 17:04:29

Isn't it Adora? It seemed to have ground to a halt apart from the last few weeks. They were great, best of our whole relationship but I think that was us just clutching at straws tbh. We're both on our 30s, me early him late. TBH I felt a bit embarrassed posting some of the detail because by now surely I should have a grip and walk away with out having to ask a bunch of (lovely) strangers for help!

It's a sad time but it will pass. Onwards

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