Screwed things up this weekend.

[PinkGlitter17]

I'm splitting from my husband, we're living with our 2 DC under the same roof and keeping things generally ok while this living situation continues.

Yesterday, I was really pissed off with H and shared my frustration on messenger with a friend of mine. This friend also happens to be DS's key worker at nursery, and has been really supportive since things kicked off between me and H.

I told her something he did that got to me yesterday, and she replied while my phone was charging. The thing that had got to me was that I'd been doing preps for his birthday all day, sorted present, baked cake, made sure things were set up for his bday today, helped him out with something in his van conversion, and then was going to the shop for choc to ice the cake - needed to use the bathroom to sort out my facial hair so that I could go to the shop. And he was shouting at me to let him get in the bathroom to get in the bath. I'd not had a minute to do my face due to sorting kids/van/his bday stuff and just wanted to use the sink.

Notification came up on my phone when H unplugged it, and he saw the reply from this friend - she said 'twat!' and implied that he'd been wanting to have a wank in the bathroom, hence the urgency.

I'm actually quite surprised that my friend got so personal and that she called him a twat. She's in her 50s and has usually been more of a mother hen to me but this was a change of tone, and I don't actually like it myself. I know she was not in a professional setting but I still see it as a bit unprofessional iyswim.

H is now convinced that I'm poisoning everyone against him and spreading lies. I have talked a lot to a few friends here, but none of it has been lies or has demonised him. It's just been about my own experience. I don't think he is a bad man, I don't hate him. But I don't know how I can possibly make him believe that.

I'm going to have a word with this friend. H sent her a message himself and is going to pick DS up from nursery next time, I worry he might make a formal complaint about her.

I feel so stupid, childish, guilty, foolish, confused, sick. We had been getting along ok for a few weeks really, and this has blown everything up and I'm back on eggshells.

[KitNCaboodle]

How often do you feel you're walking on egg shells? Do you think your children sense the tension?
I feel sorry for your friend. You call her a friend and say she just so happens to be your child's key worker- so friend first, key worker second. Now that your husband has read a message from her that's caused strife, the tables are turned on her. I'm sure she's not feeling the best about the morning either.

[PinkGlitter17]

I'm just so mixed up and feeling like I've got Stockholm Syndrome, where abused people end up siding with/feeling empathy towards their abuser (cos I am leaving H due to EA/FA issues). Am I feeling crushingly guilty for something that's not that bad? I just can't tell whether my panicky reaction is proportionate or not, and then I'm absorbing all of his hatred and anger, so that's making me believe that he's right.

He is convinced that I'm spreading lies about him on fb and all sorts of forums, and he doesn't believe me when I tell him I'm not. When I took the DC to my Mum's, sort of did a runner after a scary incident, he posted all about it on fb - so it's slightly odd that he is so worried about me doing the same. I haven't mentioned anything about it on fb, ever. In fact, the reason I even messaged my friend at all, was the fact that she and I always say that you shouldn't said your dirty laundry on there, and so I messaged her saying I had a big basket of it but was exercising restraint in not putting it on fb, and was telling her instead.

[AnyFucker]

So you pair of idiots are going to turn on her ?

Some fucking friend you are

Your whole situation sounds fucked up. You are "separated" but putting a show on for your dc. You sound like you can't stand your H but when someone who has been supporting you responds in kind you close ranks. You quite obviously resent doing all this false show of unity but if someone ekse points it out you show your teeth and are happy for your "husband" to intimidate her and possibly make her fear for her job

Fucking hell. Sort your fucking act out. Seriously.

[VerySadInside]

Your friend did nothing wrong!

[pog100]

Yes you are feeling crushingly guilty about something that isn't that bad. You are allowed to sound off to friends, whatever their profession. He can't be that great a bloke if you think he is EA/FA and your description of him doesn't make him sound great either.

[PinkGlitter17]

Kit, I'm going to go in the morning and have a word with her, then DS will be going the day after. H doesn't know her at all and so her calling him a twat has really upset him. He feels it's like defamation or whatever.

Partly, this just shows how differently men and women communicate and deal with stuff, I think. Like, we women tend to chat about stuff, and especially as the 4 of us only moved here less than two years ago, I've sought out people to befriend much more than H has. Maybe it's made me be a bit indiscreet. It's been a case of trying to find friends in a pretty short space of time, and when things got really tough I confused in this friend that we were splitting up.

[EElisavetaOfBelsornia]

Wow that's a bit harsh! OP is in an abusive relationship, has ended it but still living together which is a hugely difficult and tense situation. She hasn't said she's going to turn on her friend, just that she's going to warn her that the STBXH may complain about her.

I've been in your situation OP, and it is incredibly hard to see things in perspective until you're out. You are lucky to have a friend who is taking your side, you will need friends to support you. Concentrate your energies on the exit plan, and keep your phone away from your ex.

[Butterymuffin]

It's not unprofessional of her and he'll get nowhere in making a complaint if she said something to a friend outside work time which was nothing to do with work. I think you need to get out of this house share in which you seem to be running around making a big fuss over someone who has abused you. It's clouding your judgement.

[Butterymuffin]

Also, it's not defamation if it's true..you might want to point that out to him.

[Justbreathing]

I think you might find your friend might have been right and you should not throw away people that support you because your (ex) is a bit upset
Jesus you're allowed to talk to anyone about anything and they're allowed to have their own point of view
Defamation!!!! Seriously does he think he's the president of the USA

[Justbreathing]

Strikes me that he is a total twat and I can pm my details to you so he can make a formal complaint about me to someone or other....

[PinkGlitter17]

Anyfucker - yes, thanks, I am well aware that my situation is fucked up. I really feel great about that.

I am desperate to get out of this house. It is indeed clouding my judgment. I'm really, really worried that the power and mastery of the house is all shifting back to him.

I am not going to be ditching my friend or shunning her support.

I agree that she can say whatever she likes out of working hours. It's just her opinion.

[MrsJamesMathews]

By word I take it you mean an apology for the forthcoming shit she's going to get from your H?!

It is deeply unreasonable for you to treat this woman as a friend, confide in her and burden her with your own issues then complain when she responds as a friend.

You should feel guilty, that's for sure. But not for bad mouthing your ex (you're splitting up, right?) during a private conversation with a FRIEND!!!

I sincerely hope you're going to warn her about your psycho ex and be prepared to back her to her superior.

[mylaststraw]

If he wouldn't want other ppl knowing about his crappy behaviour maybe he shouldn't behave in a crappy way! Obviously a very simplistic view, but he sounds upset that other people know - maybe he should use this as a learning experience to help him think before he acts. As long as what you have said is factual, he's got no-one to blame but himself.

[PinkGlitter17]

Every fucking DAY at the moment, whether spoken or unspoken, reminds me that I am not welcome in this house, that he can't wait for me to be gone, that he is just putting up with me being here for the DCs' sake. One day I will move out, and I'll be better and happier.

What has happened has made me get sucked right back into the hole, I've been feeling strong and assertive, ppl have been telling me I seem to have things under control and seem to be handling everything well. And that's just like when you're depressed but putting on a smile etc. - it takes a fuck of a lot of strength to break through that mask and say to someone, "actually, I'm really not ok". Luckily, I have friends where I live that I can say that to.

[Justbreathing]

He's sucked you in deliberately
Deliberately looked at your phone
Deliberately made you feel like you're in the wrong
Deliberately made it out that he is wronged in someway
I don't know you're situation, but it sounds like he's grinding you down as much as he can.
I'm glad you have people in RL don't lose them because of him x

[Justbreathing]

Have you had all the legal advice etc? Have you asked him to move out?
Why is he expecting you to move out?
Sorry to sound like a barrage of questions, but he seems to have railroaded you completely.

[PinkGlitter17]

I'm moving out because he rents the house and I am a SAHM with no income.

[Changedname3456]

I'd be pretty pissed off if someone I'd never met was calling me a twat etc, however much that person thought I deserved it. If that person had some responsibility for my dc, day to day, I'd be even unhappier.

Yes, your stbx might actually BE a twat, and perhaps he deserves to be called one, but he's not unreasonable to feel angry when he sees a text from which his only conclusion is that you're bad-mouthing him to this woman.

Nothing much you can do about it, but you should stop blurring the lines with things like the party organising etc. You don't have to be hostile to him, but you should be living as separate a life as you can manage whilst you're forced to remain in the same house.

[PinkGlitter17]

Changed, you see, I agree.

I have this tendency, though, to feel consumed by other people's anger. I absorb it and I find it so hard to shake off. It's like I go into panic mode. And I know that is really unhelpful in seeing things objectively. I had gained distance and perspective since telling H I was leaving him, and now I just feel sucked in again.

[Justbreathing]

Changedname
I wouldn't look at someone else's messages and as for the fact their separating and if the tables were turned I wouldn't be surprised if someone stuck up for their friend.
I might be a bit but I would think that there were more important things to worry about

[Justbreathing]

It might even start an argument about which friends of each of ours think we are twats. But I wouldn't threaten to make a complaint or contact the person directly

[Fluffypinkpyjamas]

I agree with Anyfucker poor woman. Some friend you are OP! You'll lose your friend and the twat. I know which one is worth keeping. Do you?!

[PinkGlitter17]

Yes, I do know which one is worth keeping, thanks.

When I read my replies back, it doesn't hardly sound like me. I'm very mixed up and very very anxious.

[Counterpane]

Was she one of the people who helped you a few weeks back when you went back to your Mum?

If so, he will have been waiting for a chance to get even and now he has got it. I hope you will back her up. Start by deleting her text from your phone.