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Think I'm ending relationship... please help advice needed

(14 Posts)
0emerald0 Sun 14-May-17 23:08:23

I'm not sure why I'm writing this here, but I desperately need some advice. Pretty much just going to pour my heart out, even though I think it makes me seem absolutely pathetic. Any advice would be much appreciated.

I've been with my partner for 12 years, we got together when I was 17 and I'm 29 now. Basically on and off throughout our relationship he has "sexted" other women, though sometimes with gaps of years in between.

This is really difficult, I know I should have ended things in the early stages of our relationship but I was so young and naive.
I lost my virginity to him, and a couple of years later I found out that he slept with someone else a few months afterwards. I never ended it because we were just "seeing each other" at the time, but it just makes me feel shit that the only man I've ever been with did that.

He also had conversations with my best friend, but I don't really know what was said so I just buried my head in the sand at the time. I've never even spoken about it with my friend. This was also a couple of years into the relationship, when I found this out.

After this everything settled down for a while, he cried when I found out about it all, seemed sorry etc, it's all such a long time ago now. We eventually moved in together seven years ago. A couple of months after we moved in I found out that he'd been having more conversations with this other woman from a nightclub he went to. I was so upset, but as we had only just moved in together it seemed like I should try to give things a go, as nothing "physically" happened. Again he was very upset and apologetic, said he was flattered by the attention etc. So I told him that if he ever did anything like that again that I'd end things.

An aside from all of this, I know that he loves me by the way he is with me. We get on together really well, hardly ever argue and have been happy together (apart from the sexting, I know this seems mental after everything I have written.) And I love him deeply, even though he probably doesn't deserve it.
I have pretty severe anxiety problems and find it hard to connect with other people, which is partly why I'm so scared about ending things as I honestly don't know what will happen to me. (I can go back to live with my Mum, I just mean more in the future sense).
I would like to add that he isn't controlling in any way, and has always been supportive of me and my problems and tried to help me. Though I don't think he's always been 100% happy that I haven't been able to work throughout our relationship as my mental health has always got in the way. Still, I have tried to help myself and tried a shed load of things to improve.

Anyway back to where things are now. I really thought he had grown up after all of this, and that we could have left all of that behind us, but then last year I found part of a conversation with someone else from the club he goes to, telling her how sexy she is. He had deleted other conversations so I don't know exactly what was said. He told me that he'd only flirted a bit, and felt so stupid for putting us at risk.
Once again I forgave him, because anything else just seemed to painful at the time. This makes me feel so pathetic, but I've always struggled with a lot of things in life and I didn't want to lose him.

The past few months it's been on my mind a lot, I've gone back to checking his phone and it just makes me feel like shit. He's told me that he only wants me and he will never do this again, but I'm struggling to believe him. Which isn't surprising really.

It's going to be absolutely devastating for both of us if I can actually go through with it, as I've said there's a lot of love between us. But he can't really respect me all that much can he sad It's going to be really out of the blue for him as this all happened about 6 months ago.

I'm at my Mums at the moment, and have told her about it all and she said she'd support me whatever I decide. He lives in a different town, so tomorrow I'm going to have to get 3 buses and a train to get there, then travel back again, and I don't know if I have the strength as it's going to be so upsetting. I need to do it in person though and talk to him. I'm just worried I'll get there an be unable to end things as it's just so painful.

I'm not really sure what I'm expecting people to say, any wise words would be greatly appreciated, I hope I don't seem like a weak person as I've had to deal with a lot.

Sorry if this is a complete rambly mess. Emerald.

JK1773 Sun 14-May-17 23:19:52

It's taken you a long time to get here. My only advice really is not to crack, don't listen to excuses or if you have to listen to him, keep in your mind at all times the vision of your life without him there making you feel terrible. Things will be difficult for a while but it will get better, in ways you can't even imagine right now. You will be happy! Let your DM take care of you. Good luck and remember you are doing the right thing. You are young, you have one life and you deserve happiness x

Oilyoilyoilgob Sun 14-May-17 23:19:52

I don't think you're pathetic at all.
I do think it sounds like you're under-confident/low self esteem maybe to allow yourself to carry on with him when he's so disrespectful (I don't mean that nastily).
You've been together for such a long time, since being young and forgiven him for a lot, even though it sounds like it's torturing you. Could it also be that you're just completely different to the 17 year old you and are now getting to the 'fuck that' stage?
I feel sorry that it's happening for you as it all just sounds so tiring and draining.
Are you able to spend more time apart and consider getting help for your anxiety? I'll bet though that'd lessen immediately if you weren't with him having to worry all the time x

0emerald0 Sun 14-May-17 23:28:59

Thanks so much for the replies, I've felt so alone with all of this for a long time, I never even really realised it.

Oily yep I do have low self esteem, and I'm def getting to the "fuck that" stage as you put it. I really don't want to get another few years into our relationship and find out that he's done it again. I don't want to waste my life with someone I don't fully trust.

Part of me feels like this is just something people do these days, and that it's "normal," my friends partner also does this with random women on the internet and she puts up with it too sad

As far as the anxiety goes, I've been through the NHS system for years and got to a point where they said they couldn't help me anymore, I've had CBT, group therapy, counselling, meds you name it. It's why I feel so hopeless and worried that I'm going to spend the rest of my life isolated sad

JK1773 Sun 14-May-17 23:34:43

You really won't be alone forever. Once you are rid of the cause of your anxiety and lie self esteem you can start healing properly. Take some time out, be nice to yourself, have a holiday (maybe with your DM - that's what I did), get new hobbies, go to the gym, see your friends. Things will be alright. You may not see it now but you will embrace your freedom. Once you feel better in yourself maybe try dating again but definitely not before xx

JK1773 Sun 14-May-17 23:35:14

*low self esteem ffs lol x

crazykitten20 Sun 14-May-17 23:40:47

What advice would you give your sister/cousin/best friend? I'd take that advice and follow it yourself 💕💕

Oilyoilyoilgob Sun 14-May-17 23:45:14

Totally agree with JK. I think once you're out of this and out of it permanently then your self help and 'journey' will alter dramatically.
Imagine you can put all your worth into yourself rather than him.
You need to look after yourself. Be alone, team up with your mum and get some trips planned-even a national hols one night mystery tour!
Get some therapies-massage, facials-something involving touch to help you relax and ease stress (I'm not saying this glibly, if you're happy to have touch therapy it can be amazing at helping you and your muscles), and start looking at different means of therapies and different therapists.
It was perhaps felt that no more could be 'done' with you at the time because if you were still with him not much would ultimately change.
Lastly, please don't think this is the norm with all men and women.
No one that I know sexts anyway, the one person I know who has (male) is single and does this with single women.
It's not the norm. Why the feck should you be looking over your shoulder because of things he's done.
If and when you are ready in the future you'll have your love to give and get it given back.

TheStoic Mon 15-May-17 07:32:50

tomorrow I'm going to have to get 3 buses and a train to get there, then travel back again, and I don't know if I have the strength as it's going to be so upsetting. I need to do it in person though and talk to him.

No you don't, and no you don't. This is a very difficult thing you are doing - why are you making it even harder on yourself than it needs to be?

0emerald0 Mon 15-May-17 08:16:48

Stoic - I just feel like I need to do it in person as I've no idea how he will react, as to him this is going to seem completely out of the blue.
If I tell him over the phone he could just hang up and refuse to talk to me.
I wanted to grab my laptop and a few other irreplaceable things before I leave. I've got an anxious mind and I can't help going over all of the things that could happen. What if he locks me out and I can't get my stuff, what if he sells it or something? I don't think he would but I don't know how this will affect him.
He works from home so it's not like I can go get my stuff while he's out.

I'm also worried that he might hurt himself, his mum is away on holiday at the moment. He hasn't ever made threats or anything like that but it's still a worry.

I don't know what to do for the best, this is one of the worst things that's ever happened to me.

0emerald0 Mon 15-May-17 08:19:22

In the past he's whacked his head against a wall when a family member died and he was upset. He's never been violent or aggressive towards me though.

AnnaThursday Mon 15-May-17 08:24:15

I was going to write the same as Stoic

0emerald0 Mon 15-May-17 08:36:00

I'm not sure how I'll physically say it without breaking down. I suppose I could write an email, but then that just seems ridiculous sad

0emerald0 Mon 15-May-17 16:31:01

He was devastated. I'm devastated. I don't know if I've made the right decision. I love him so much sad
We were so happy together, why did he have to go and do this sad
He said he would never physically cheat, and that he hasn't touched another woman. I can't imagine ever wanting to be with anyone else.
Don't know how to cope with this.

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