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How do I stop torturing myself?

(36 Posts)
Stuck16 Sun 14-May-17 22:48:10

I've posted before about exh and his complete lack of sensitivity ending our marriage and every day since.

Last night was the first time he stayed over at OWs that he's told me about and I haven't been able to get the image of them having sex out of my head.
I know it's ridiculous and completely damaging but I can't stop playing it over and over.
We had a huge fight earlier, he kicked DDs potty at me, it hit me on the shin, huge bruise now. I flew into a rage and slapped him, hit him, kicked him. So so ashamed but the anger and rage just flew out of me before I could stop it.
A neighbour let themselves into my house to tell us to stop because of the DC. It's just awful, such an appalling situation.
The fight came about because I was apparently giving him attitude as I hadn't asked how he was when he came to take DS to football.

I feel out of control, I barely sleep, I cry all the time, it's been 4 weeks and I am getting angrier by the day.

I hate who I am right now, my poor poor DC the things they've seen and heard

anxiousandpregnant Sun 14-May-17 22:52:43

By the sounds of it you both need to learn boundaries now your seperated.... why is he telling you he's stopping over at OW house? To hurt your further? Stop being friendly, stop letting him in your house, he should be coming to the door to collect the kids and that's it.
As hard as this is and as bad as you feel right now is someone who throws objects at you worth crying over? Things will get better and easier, until then just concentrate on your kids.

JK1773 Sun 14-May-17 22:59:23

Oh my goodness. This isn't healthy for you or your DC. Please get some help. Your DC cannot witness this. Can anyone else hand over the DC for now? If this carries on you'll have Social Services at your door

Stuck16 Sun 14-May-17 23:10:04

No there's no one. This is my biggest problem. I literally have no one nearby to help.

He can't have the kids overnight as he lives in a houseshare, I also need him to do the school drop offs and pick ups 3 days a week.
I'm putting DS in breakfast club from this week so exh doesn't have to come round in the mornings but there's no way round the evenings- I finish work at 5:30 so can't do nursery and after school club pick ups by 6.
I feel completely trapped. I don't know whether I should go to the dr or whether they could even do anything.
My kids are my world, one of the reasons exh left is because I gave them more attention than him. I am truly sickened by my behaviour today, I've never felt rage like it

HeddaGarbled Sun 14-May-17 23:15:38

He's left you for another woman and he accuses you of giving him attitude because you didn't ask him how he was? What a complete bastard. No wonder you're angry. I'd want to stab the fucker. He told you he was staying over with her to deliberately hurt you.

But you can't let him drag you down to his level. You could get into so much trouble. He could have you arrested for assault and yes, as PP said, the neighbour could report you to Social Services. You have to keep control of yourself in front of him.

Don't let him in the house during handovers. Have the children ready, then quickly out the door and shut the door, no conversation. If he wants to talk, tell him to text/email/message, then shut the door. If he kicks off, don't respond, say you'll call the police if he doesn't leave.

As PP said, if you can find someone to do handovers for you until things settle down, that would be even better.

I'm so sorry you are having to go through this. The pair of them are utter shits. Don't let them provoke you into a situation where you risk losing your children or getting a criminal conviction.

anxiousandpregnant Sun 14-May-17 23:16:16

Is there any way you could change your hours at work and go part time? That might help the drop off and pick up situation.

Stuck16 Sun 14-May-17 23:21:40

I am part time- 3 days a week. He has to come in the house because they get home before me on the days I work, I can't leave any earlier, I've asked and been told no.

If I had family or friends I'd ask for their help but I don't

scoobydoo1971 Sun 14-May-17 23:36:52

You need to seek legal advice urgently. If social services find out about this then you will have social workers at your door, and your neighbour may be drawn into an assessment of risk as a witness. He is your ex, and he doesn't need joint custody or overnight residency of your child. He is rubbing your nose in it with accounts of the OW, and it will continue until you find the strength to stop it. Because of Baby Peter, domestic violence is now a major reason for social services involvement with families. You can hire a childminder to plug the school run gaps, and your ex should not be allowed in the house. It is about keeping boundaries and showing him you are moving on. You also need counselling but your GP can sort that out - an independent person to talk through issues with is good for parenting.

The courts can sort out child custody, and until he can demonstrate adequate residency arrangements this will work in your favour. It will set out when he sees your child, and on what terms....that helps you rebuild your life and keep him at the front-door.

Tiredofstruggling1 Mon 15-May-17 03:05:19

Well done for getting this abusive prick our of your life. Just try and not let him wind you up.

Stuck16 Mon 15-May-17 07:44:36

I know I need distance from him, every time he comes in the house it sets me on edge.
I've tried to find a childminder who could do nursery and school pick up but none work past 6 and that's what I need.
I know you can generally get 30mins free with a solicitor but I think my issues go well beyond 30mins and I haven't got the money to pay.

This whole mess makes me feel sick. I feel completely overwhelmed by it all.
I read posts on here where people say their husbands cheated and they get this resolve and I admire them so much. I've just crumbled. I feel totally worthless, like I've let my kids down- which I have by them seeing me behave the way I have.

I can't see how things can get better when I have to see him most days

Trickycat Mon 15-May-17 07:50:44

You are not worthless. You are everything to your kids. This is a bad point, know that things will get better. Please hold it together for your kids. You can do this.

abbsisspartacus Mon 15-May-17 07:54:11

What time do you get home then? Could you ask a child minder to extend hours if it's only a matter of minutes?

abbsisspartacus Mon 15-May-17 07:55:10

Have you put in an official request to your work?

toomanyloos Mon 15-May-17 07:55:52

You can do this, and you have to, for your kids. Next time you feel the rage picture losing your dcs because you cannot control your anger. That would be so much worse than losing your DH, who sounds like an utter shit anyway who you are better off without.

Are there any mums who could do pick up, just temporarily? I'd help a friend in your situation if I could. Or a babysitter to be there at hand over?

Stuck16 Mon 15-May-17 08:04:06

I literally have one friend who lives in the same area but she works full time and has 3 kids of her own.

I don't get home til half 6 at the earliest, none of the childminders I've contacted will keep the kids past 6. I only found 2 who would pick up from nursery and school.
I did put in an official request with work but they turned it down end of last week due to staffing numbers/ they've just made people redundant so aren't in a position to offer flexi to anyone.

He did this to us and yet he has zero consequences- he lives by himself, can play Disney dad whenever he wants, doesn't have to deal with the kids day to day, he has no responsibilities and I have them all.

I'm sinking

minniebear Mon 15-May-17 08:13:48

He can still control you (telling you about OW/requiring you to remain "normal" with him by asking how he is).

What about dividing this into a long term and short term plan? In the short term, he can't have access to your house. It's light/fairly warm in the evenings-could he take the kids to a park/cafe for tea on those three days (the cost would be less than a childminder). What alternatives are there to a childminder? I'm sure someone will have some ideas. It's so important that he doesn't come into your house if things are getting that intense.

In the long term, would relocation be an option? It would be incredibly hard work with changing schools/jobs etc, but could you move so you're closer to a support network? Would that improve things for you?

Stuck16 Mon 15-May-17 08:21:19

My family all live near London, I'm in the midlands, I don't have the money to move back but I would if I did. Although he'd kick up a fuss.

He won't take them anywhere after school, doesn't see why he should.
He won't let me put boundaries in place, I've tried over and over and he keeps ignoring them.

I know it must seem like I'm being really negative and I suppose I am but I have looked into every solution I can think of to make it so that he doesn't come into my house and I can't find one

LanaDReye Mon 15-May-17 08:27:29

Your last paragraph resonated with me, as does your flaming anger. It's around 18 months later for me and over that time my exH has overall made minimal effort with maximum self-congratulations.

Rather than be disappointed with yourself it may help to realise that you're being normal. He not only has pissed off he's popping in and out to tell you that you're wrong and that he's living it up. Of course you're flaming mad. This is a stage you can get through and beating yourself up about it won't help.

Focus on what you are doing. Working, feeding kids, the basics. Just achieve the basics at the moment that is a brilliant achievement.

Try to 'grey rock' him: don't respond, be dull, say "hmmm" think of anything else but him while he's around. It takes practise and I could still scream at ex now, but it is good to emotionally step away. Your DCs will know that really you're the stable one, you just need walkaway techniques in the face of a twat

LanaDReye Mon 15-May-17 08:29:05

(I was refering to paragraph about him having zero consequences)

user1486956786 Mon 15-May-17 08:42:26

Sorry but everyone saying have the kids at the door and don't make conversation.... wow. The poor kids will be stressed enough as it is. I know you couldn't give a shit about how he is but perhaps a bit of small talk about the kids only just to help settle them during hand over? I do agree perhaps not have him in the house right now but don't just usher the kids out.

The anger / rage / violence is normal. I know someone who smashed up her ex's expensive car, and then some. But I agree with others, don't stoop to that level, it only makes you feel worse in the end, like you are now.

I can't offer any more advice as not been in that situation other than look after yourself, avoid alcohol, take up exercise perhaps if you don't already as always makes you feel good, and in time it will get easier

PeachyPip Mon 15-May-17 08:58:38

To scream and hit loud enough for the neighbour to come round is very worrying, Did you argue/fight like that before you split up?
What if you pretend to yourself that he has a camara and is going to record you in future? Might that help you keep a check of yourself.

Perhaps you could set one up yourself - then you can look at it later and see what you and your DH are subjecting your children too.

Stuck16 Mon 15-May-17 09:31:02

The windows were open and the neighbour was at the end of my drive that's how he heard. No we did not fight like that before, I'm normally a very placid person who does not do confrontation.

I have tried being civil to him, tried just talking about the kids but he gets pissed if I don't ask how his night was, or, for example say please when he says he's putting the buggy in the car, or when I told the kids to be good when he took them to meet OW on Saturday- apparently I should've shown more enthusiasm.

I know the situation is awful and I should rise above but he goads me constantly.

I hate what my DC have seen and heard these last few weeks, I tried to keep any discussions to purely over the phone once they were in bed but then when he came round for school he'd pick a fight and they'd hear it all.

He says it's good for them to hear the arguing because then they'll learn life isn't easy- they're 9 and 3 ffs!!

newnameoldme Mon 15-May-17 10:02:10

I really feel for you, I know full well the red rage stage and being so overwhelmed and heartbroken whilst at the same time trying to keep life together and the ex who keeps himself central.

Firstly, sorry for the fight and the shock to your kids. Whilst your ex is a nasty shit for saying it's good for kids to witness - unfortunately it will in someway help them understand why their parents have separated. If parents appear to be getting along it can be frustrating for kids to accept a separation. And be sure your 9 year old recognises every nuance of you both trying to argue out of earshot. It's basically horrible to be around a couple splitting up isn't it?
The only way to make sure it doesn't happen again is not to have your ex in your home space, it's too raw right now. You need to protect yourself and the kids and give the emotional energy to their needs not ex.

When I look back at the break up and aftermath with my ex I regret most the days and nights of texting furiously back n forth and locking myself away crying. It held my attention on him when the kids deserved it more. Because ultimately me and the kids had to rebuild our life together and let ex go.

He doesn't get to dictate to you any more. You need some physical and mental space to set these boundaries.

It's early days so hard to see but in the future you will have completely separate lives, you will have found solutions to all issues that seem unsolvable right now.
So take a deep breath and trust things will be so much better in a few months time.

Have you explained the urgency to work? that you have recently separated and that leaving 30 mins earlier until you have found a permanent childcare solution is a short term measure?

Stuck16 Mon 15-May-17 10:04:11

I did, they still said no because I couldn't show how it would be temporary

newnameoldme Mon 15-May-17 10:05:13

and change the locks - don't give him a key. you will pick up the kids from him after work. no negotiation - he doesn't get to dictate that he spends time in your home

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