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Opposing views but am I being unreasonable ??

(21 Posts)
tassle2 Sun 14-May-17 22:10:25

Boyfriend is 19 years older , he has no kids, I have one teenage daughter. We dont live together but he comes to visit few times per week. Been going out for 5 years. Relationship kind of not progressing. He goes off on trips with friends and family every holiday time which is fine but he is obsessed with going away and knows I cant just leave my daughter. He always says im welcome to go with him any time but I cant go. He wont take time off work just to spend with myself , there always has to be something big planned. I have spoken about it with him til im blue on face but it doesnt seem to be going in and I end up feeling like a bunny boiler !!
All in all we get on well and are compatible personality wise. Hes also a really lovely person. Just not sure if this enough. Feel hes not really up for a tight knit relationship unless its on his terms(holidays,days out) and he always talks about moving in after my daughter has moved on (this could be a long time after uni etc). He nvr pushes the boat out.
Therr are probably lots of other points ive missed. Confused as not sure if i should sort my way of thinking or accept it wont work longer term.

JK1773 Sun 14-May-17 22:13:42

Don't you ever go away with him and your daughter together?

MelanieCheeks Sun 14-May-17 22:14:36

Can daughter not come on holidays too? Or if not, can no-one else help with looking after her while you are away? Are you working - what are your other time limitations?

Gallavich Sun 14-May-17 22:14:52

Why can't you leave your daughter? Couldn't she stay with friends if not old enough to stay on her own?

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sun 14-May-17 22:15:10

So your lives never overlap at all?

GoodDayToYou Sun 14-May-17 22:15:45

It sounds like you want different things at the moment. You know what they say: the right guy at the wrong time is the wrong guy. Good luck with whatever you decide.

tassle2 Sun 14-May-17 22:16:37

No because she is at a tricky teenage stage and likes to be a bit vocal and he cant really handle it. They would end up arguing 😃 . Dont think he would be up for that

tassle2 Sun 14-May-17 22:18:39

Yeh work full time. Dont have anyone nearby that she can stay with and shes under 16.

PickAChew Sun 14-May-17 22:20:36

Sounds like you're more of a convenient shag.

SaltySeaDog72 Sun 14-May-17 22:21:17

What does 'he never pushes the boat out' mean?

Does your dd not have a friend she can stay over with?

19lottie82 Sun 14-May-17 22:37:30

If it's not progressing after 5 years then I don't think he really wants it to. Many people are happy with a relationship like this, i.e. Two homes, see each other a few nights a week, separate holidays - more like a girlfriend / boyfriend scenario than a "partner" , there's nothing wrong with that BUT if this isn't working for you then I would end it.

I'm guessing this guy is at least late 50s / early 60s? I'm his defence I don't think you can expect him to sit at home all the time because you can't leave your teenage daughter (who wouldn't join you on holiday anyway)...... is there really no one she could stay with so you two can have a trip away together?

But as I already said you don't have to put up with this relationship if it's not making you happy.

19lottie82 Sun 14-May-17 22:39:19

But in your defence OP, it doesn't sound like he has made much of an effort with your DD in the last 5 years? Maybe if he had things would be a bit different?

HeddaGarbled Sun 14-May-17 23:01:16

Sounds like he sees you as a nice add on to his life rather than that you are central to his life. I think I'd want to be higher on his list of priorities after 5 years.

I get why someone his age doesn't want the hassle of spending time with a stroppy teenager.

But to spend all his holidays going away with with other people isn't the behaviour of a normal loving partner.

JK1773 Sun 14-May-17 23:05:09

Agree with Hedda. Your DD is part of you, who you are. He should be committed to both of you after 5 years. Doesn't sound like he wants any commitment at all

19lottie82 Sun 14-May-17 23:11:29

Hedda but the OP can't / won't go on holiday with him. To some people holidays are very important to them so I can understand why he still wants to go away.

mylaststraw Mon 15-May-17 00:57:22

Does he ever spend time with you and your dd together? Because if not I can see why she might be stroppy if he's not making an effort to include her. After 5 years I don't see why he should just 'come to visit a few times a week ', makes you sound like a cheap shag option. Sorry.

Aquamarine1029 Mon 15-May-17 04:17:20

Your partner is not a parent, has no idea what it's like to be a parent, and has no desire to ever be a parent. If you ever do love together, he will be resentful of any time you want to be with your daughter. Why would do you want to be with a man like this? His only concern is for himself.

Creampastry Mon 15-May-17 05:55:55


LedaP Mon 15-May-17 06:10:37

I have to be honest. If i didnt have kids i would want his life and not be tied down by someone else kids. Which is why i never dated someone with kids. He wants best of both worlds. He wants to date you but have lots of freedom too. Which is fine if you are both happy.

You need to decide wether you are happy or not, with the status quo until your dd leaves home.

Its impossible to say if he will resent dd spending time with you after she leaves home. Even if you moved in together, he will probably still want plenty of freedom and may be very happy with you spending time with her.

However he is never going to have a proper relationship with your dd. You have been together long enough for him to have form a relationship with her and hasnt. I suspect, even in 10 years, they wont have much of a relationship.

You have all the facts. He isnt hiding anything or prentending anything. What you do with that informtion is your choice.

CatsGoPurrrr Mon 15-May-17 06:34:13

If your DD is under 16 and you've known him for 5 years, the oldest she could've been when you started seeing him was 10. Def not an awkward teen when he met her.

Seems like he's never been invested in being a family.

If that's what you want, then end it.

TheNaze73 Mon 15-May-17 06:50:00

Difficult. Can see both sides here & neither of you are doing anything wrong. Maybe like a lot of people, he sees the dating stage as the best bit of a relationship & wants to keep it like that.

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