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How common is it that men behave like this?

(63 Posts)
Jtaylor143 Sun 14-May-17 16:25:06

I need to question myself because although I am independent and wise enough to realise it is probably not acceptable behaviour, I feel like I need to know that I am not alone in this because I am being made to feel like I am at fault with everything.
After logging in today, I noticed the top thread and had a good read, it's amazing that someone has written that to support other women/men going through shit relationships, but it is easier said that done.
What has prompted me to write this thread is the passive aggressive argument I just had with my fiancé, and the realisation that he was never like this before we had our son (2 years old).
We came back home after dropping my dad off and I came into the kitchen to finish washing up and was going to start making lunch for us. We are a bit scrapped for cash till pay day at the end of this week, so it's usually putting food we find in the fridge together and making it work! My fiancé asked what was for lunch I said I would make a toastie. He asked what with, I said ham. He moaned that he had pork for breakfast (I made him a bacon and egg sandwich), and we were going to have pork for dinner and so he didn't want pork for lunch. Now, he is very hard to please and most of the time won't have a meat for dinner if he's had that for lunch, he wants 'variety'. Well when we are skint and need to use up the food until pay day, I'm afraid that's what I was going to make. He said, well you don't suggest anything different like an omelette or some soup, I said I can make an omelette and we do have a tin of soup actually. He said no, I will have the beef burger that's in the freezer you will have to grill it. I looked at him in disbelief, because it's not like he asked me nicely, he went on and on just nagging and bringing up other nonsense. I walked away pottering about and he just came up to me and said, I expect you to make me lunch.
Since having our son, I can count on one hand how many times he has cooked for us. And when I cook, most of the time there's a complaint about something.
I just looked at him in disbelief and just went up to the bedroom and started crying. He waited a while and eventually realised I was going to make him food, so he's now left to go somewhere.
I would never have put up with this, and various other demanding behaviours of his, but I find myself becoming more and more submissive because I don't want my son to grow up in a household with constant fighting, as I did. So I just want to keep the piece, even though he's just chipping away at me until there is nothing left of me. We get married in a few months, and I'm just enjoying doing the craft for the wedding, I'm not really excited about the actual marriage. I feel like it's doomed already. We have spoken so many times about this and how he's made me feel, I even went (and still on) anti-depressants, I feel like I have completely lost myself and what I stood for before we had our DS. I'm a true feminist yet I can't stand up to this.
Is it normal then men expect you to change once you have children, and does anybody else's SO need to have different types of food in a day cause I'm going out of my mind!

Allthebestnamesareused Sun 14-May-17 16:30:24

Do not marry this man because you like doing the craft for the wedding!

Explain to him that the budget does not allow always for a variety of foods and he was offered alternatives and indeed he can make lunch for himself and you too.

It is not normal to be so selfish especially if you are not even yet married!

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sun 14-May-17 16:30:32

Remind him you are a dm of 1 not 2. He has let you slide into his dm role too!!
Make a rota and stick it up where he can't forget when it's his turn to cook. .

Eolian Sun 14-May-17 16:30:52

Don't marry this man. "I expect you to make me lunch"? Wtaf?! If all he can do is order you around like a skivvy and complain about what you cook, start by refusing to cook for him any more. And then if he doesn't change his ways sharpish, LTB. Who the hell does he think he is?!

Chaotica Sun 14-May-17 16:30:58

DO NOT MARRY THIS MAN. Really. What is the point. You and your DS could be happy without putting up with this. Don't live in a house with constant arguing either -- just go.


ImperialBlether Sun 14-May-17 16:34:59

Marry him? I'd be more likely to murder him. Please don't feel obliged to marry him just because you've made the bunting.

This is your chance to think seriously about what your life would be like a) if you left him and b) if you married him. What you can't do is marry him and then complain afterwards - you know now what he's like.

Jtaylor143 Sun 14-May-17 16:49:36

Iv questioned myself many times whether I should go ahead with the wedding, a year to be exact. But I always thought, it's fine it's just stressful, we have a new baby and we've just bought a house, there were many stressful occasions rolled into one. I went back full time when DS was 6 months old, didn't have time to do much of the housework, even though I worked the same amount of hours as him he still thought I could do it all. I'm at fault because iv just left it thinking it'd get better, and now we've spent a lot on the wedding and it's fast approaching I feel like a dick stopping it now, I feel like I'd be ruining my sons life. I do sometimes think it'd be much happier just me and my son living together and I feel ridiculously guilty saying that.

Gallavich Sun 14-May-17 16:49:47


Jut please don't

Crispbutty Sun 14-May-17 16:52:56

Listen to your head. You will be a much better role model to your son without your partner by the sounds of it.

If he is like this now, I guarantee after he gets a ring on your finger he will expect you to be the obedient wife. Fuck that!!

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 14-May-17 16:56:40

Call the wedding off asap. Infact your relationship with this person now needs to end.

Marrying this man will be the worst thing you could also do for your son; he is a terrible example of a father to him because he is abusive to you. This is no legacy to leave your child.

Abusers often ramp up the power and control ante further when their woman (whom they really see as a possession) is either pregnant or soon after the birth of the child.

You also grew up in a household with constant fighting and this man is yet another variant of what you saw back then. Ultimately also you need to unlearn all the damaging crap you learnt about relationships along the way.

Womens Aid can and will help you here and they are worth calling on 0808 2000 247. I would also suggest that you also enrol on their Freedom Programme as this could help you too in terms of recovering from his abuse.

BobbinThreadbare123 Sun 14-May-17 16:58:54

"You will have to grill it"

Seriously?! He needs booting, fast.

GoodDayToYou Sun 14-May-17 17:00:33

He sounds like a right arsehole to me. I understand cooking for a partner if they've been at work all day and you've been home (subject to family needs etc) but as it's Sunday, I'm guessing he's off work so would expect you both to be doing family things today.

His assertion to you about his expectations, sounds bullying and very old fashioned to me.

I would put the wedding on hold.

Take your power back and start moving towards things which make you happy.

GoodDayToYou Sun 14-May-17 17:03:22

X post. Just read that you work ft. Wtf??!! What do you get from being with him?

Jtaylor143 Sun 14-May-17 17:03:49

I read in the first thread before I posted this 'don't settle for a man because he is less abusive than the one you left', and it's so true. My first was physically abusive and controlling, he had BPD and I used all my energy to help him, until I realised I cant help somebody who doesn't want it. I eventually left him, and when I met my SO I thought, great, I'm in a normal relationship now. And although he isn't physically abusive, I swear I feel the same. And I feel shit saying that cause he isn't on the same level as my ex at all. But I do need unlearn all this you're right, but it's very difficult. I really don't know what to do, I feel like I can't not marry him, I feel so stupid saying that. But I just never signed up to be an obedient housewife, he knew when he met me I was career minded, iv always wanted to be a mum and I'm absolutely loving it, but never thought I'd have to take care of a husband too!

expatinscotland Sun 14-May-17 17:05:26

What Attila said. This man is abusive. I'd never make him food again. And you work full time? Don't stop doing that, but stop skivvying for him. What an arsehole.

loveyoutothemoon Sun 14-May-17 17:05:36

Did you remind him that he'd already had eggs for breakfast?

What a picky, controlling man.

expatinscotland Sun 14-May-17 17:06:28

You do not have to marry him. That is not a crime.

AnyFucker Sun 14-May-17 17:06:30

Please cancel the wedding

You say you don't want your child to grow up in a home where there is constant fighting ? Well, currently they are in a home where is abuse and the subjugation of women.

Take your child away completely. None of this is normal. This guy doesn't deserve to live in a family home.

ThreeForAPound Sun 14-May-17 17:08:13

Nah, this is bullshit, love.

He sounds controlling, mean, childish and quite frankly...not an attractive prospect.

Tell him to make his own sodding meals.

SleepFreeZone Sun 14-May-17 17:10:32

You can stay with him and not marry him. If you're not ready to leave him just call the wedding off and dump him when you're stronger.

Jtaylor143 Sun 14-May-17 17:12:30

I went back full time because I was finishing off a degree, when I qualified I went part time straight away, because it was difficult. I knew when I went part time it would get worst because I then would have 'more time' to do housework and if it wasn't done I'd get shit for it. He did once say to me 'you going part time hasn't helped at all, it's help with DS but not with the house'. Iv now been offered a PhD and he's supportive of that now, but when I start it.... who knows.

Hermonie2016 Sun 14-May-17 17:13:05

If you are in a relationship and start questioning yourself it's a bad sign.His attitude has crept up on you and he's certainly not looking to change..leaving you is a form of punishment.He could have realised you were upset and apologised but he's chosen to leave as a way of reinforcing his position.Its all about power, he doesn't want an equal relationship, much better for him if he has you worrying about his nerds ahead of your own.

Don't blame yourself, when our partners change we often put it down to other factors until it becomes very obvious it's just the way he is.
You can take a firm stand and say his attitude is unacceptable but it's worth cancelling the wedding.I know it will feel like a waste of money but a divorce is more painful and expensive..(going through one now for similar reasons, stbxh really ramped up his behaviour once we married)

expatinscotland Sun 14-May-17 17:16:18

Look, it's a very good thing you were FT. This man is abusive and don't for a minute think he won't move into physical abuse when you stop skivvying for him.

Jtaylor143 Sun 14-May-17 17:18:56

I honestly think he'd divorce me than get physical. Might sound naive to you but that is honestly what he'd do!

Jtaylor143 Sun 14-May-17 17:19:26

Thanks for all your support, it's made me more stronger to stand up to him today

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