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have i really lost her

(87 Posts)
eddie86c Sun 14-May-17 13:05:41

Hi all,
I know im probably gonna get a lot of stick on here and I know its well deserved.

So 2 months ago the mother of my child left me and rightly took our son with her. The reason she left was due to my aggression (I would like to make it clear I never phyisically hurt her or little man but I did loose my temper and shout and even broke a mirror I know that doesn't make things any better). The other reasons she left was me being very down and depressive, taking this out on her along with smoking a lot of weed. I'm not excusing my behaviour

I have written to her to apologise for my behaviour. She lets me have our son every weekend and I do give her money for him.

When she first left I was very needy and couldn't let go (yet more bad behaviour on my part). She has subsequently told me she only wants to talk if it is about little man and that she no longer loves me.

This has all been a major wake up call for me I've stoped the weed (fags aswell for that matter) and am generally trying to improve myself have started to exercise every day and have seen Dr to get help with depression and anger management (appointments start on 2nd June). I have always worked but am doing a lot of overtime in addition now. I'm doing all this to be a better person and a better dad to out son.

The thing is I do still love her a great deal and would like someday o be given a 2nd chance at happiness with her am I being unrealistic in this hope or is it a dream worth hanging on to. I really can't see myself ever being with someone else. I really don't know where to go from here to prove that i can be a better man and that I'm worth giving a 2nd chance to.

Gallavich Sun 14-May-17 13:07:44

She'd be mad to take you back. If you really loved her you wouldn't even think about trying. You have abused her and that can never be forgotten.

AgentProvocateur Sun 14-May-17 13:11:52

The kindest thing you could do is let her get on with her life and meet someone who won't be aggressive to her and who doesn't smoke weed. If you're truly a changed man, you too may be able to go on and have a decent relationship with someone else in the future.

Strangeswelling Sun 14-May-17 13:12:04

I'd say 2 months is too short a time. If you focus on being a better person forever, then you'll be a better dad to your son. If by doing that she eventually wants you back, then that's great. If she doesn't you've learned a hard lesson, but she's well within her rights.
If you truly change for the better then you have a much better chance of finding happiness with someone else in the future.

Fluffypinkpyjamas Sun 14-May-17 13:12:20

I hope you have lost her, for hers and DS sake. She'd be crazy to get back with you . You'd be better of concentrating on maintaining a good relationship as ex partners and as a good father.

Kittencatkins123 Sun 14-May-17 13:12:22

It's been two months. You need to do this for a lot longer before people will see/believe you have changed. And even thenyou have to accept that whatever you do may not result in you getting back together.

I would keep doing this for yourself, to be a better person and a good father. Have you had any counselling to process why you behaved the way you did? Your behaviour was frightening and threatening and she is right to have ended the relationship.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad Sun 14-May-17 13:12:42

Huge well done on getting your act together. That takes courage and commitment.
It's unfortunate that it took losing your partner to make this happen however it's not unusual.
It's an unknown whether your ex will give you a second chance and it maybe that has gone past a point that she can recover her feelings so I wouldn't push it. I'd leave it to her to come to you should she change her mind.
In the meantime focus on continuing to improve yourself and making yourself an attractive option (whether it be for her or someone else) and keep supporting your little boy.
Good luck

Reow Sun 14-May-17 13:13:03

If she no longer loves you then I don't think there's much hope. How long did the relationship and the bad behaviour last? If I'd already lost years of my life to an aggressive partner I would be massively hesitant to take a step backwards and again risk the health and sanity of myself and my child.

Focus on just being a great dad to your child.

AllRoadsLeadBackToRadley Sun 14-May-17 13:13:38

And if you're on this journey of improvement because you're hoping to win her back, you're doing it for the wrong reasons.

Make the changes- but do it for you.

I had to learn this. I was on everything under the sun in my early 20's. I'd use whoever was in my life as a reason to change. Then, they'd leave, and I'd be "well, what's the point then?" and I'd be back at square one.

Until you do it for you- your son too, but mainly YOU, nothing will click.

All the best.

pinkyredrose Sun 14-May-17 13:13:50

You need to work on your issues for your own sake, not with the thought that all these changes will make her come back to you. True happiness comes from within, learn who you are and how you wish people to percieve you, find out what kind of person you really are, where the aggression comes from and how to deal with it . Only then will you be in the right place for a mutually fullfilling, respectful and truly happy relationship.

HomityBabbityPie Sun 14-May-17 13:16:13

She's putting your son first. I wouldn't take you back either.

eddie86c Sun 14-May-17 13:19:07

I appreciate everyone's honesty and I'm not hoping for anything more than a good parenting relationship anytime in the near future as my own journey has only just begun. If she does meet someone else that makes her happy then I would only be happy for her, I hope for the future but do not truly expect her to forgive me.

eddie86c Sun 14-May-17 13:20:51

We were together for 3 nd half year and I started turning into a dick over the last 6 months

Gallavich Sun 14-May-17 13:21:14

Well, you're saying all the right things. I'm a little creeped out though as I have heard those things from men many a time only for them to go on and abuse their partners even worse once they get their feet back under the table.
You have lost her. Do the decent thing and leave her alone. Work on yourself because you want to be a better person not to get her back.

Gallavich Sun 14-May-17 13:22:49

X post
No you didn't. You may have ramped it up over the last 6 months but your behaviour was always there.
I wonder how long ago your son was born and whether it coincided with you being aggressive and smashing things?

HomityBabbityPie Sun 14-May-17 13:24:18

I'm a little creeped out though as I have heard those things from men many a time only for them to go on and abuse their partners even worse once they get their feet back under the table.

As someone who has worked in DV services, 1000x this.

We had one woman who left her abusive (not physically so) partner after they had a baby and his behaviour got worse. He spent a good year having counselling, changing his behaviour, giving up drinking. She got back together with him, to my severe unease.

He killed her a few months later.

Having seen what I have, if my OH ever shows any sort of red flag, I will be leaving him and wild horses would not drag me back no matter how contrite he was

floraeasy Sun 14-May-17 13:25:13

I commend you and the positive action you have taking to change yourself, OP.

Two months is too early to expect anything from your partner. She may never want to get back with you. You must be prepared for that. But you can be a good role model for your son now.

Please don't pressure your partner. Make the changes for you as pps have said. Just keep on keeping on with no expectations of your partner getting back to you.

My ex-husband who did actually assault me more than once made his seeking professional help a condition of me staying. Nuh-uh. That's when I realised he was only ever out for himself. At least you have taken these steps without blackmailing your partner with them.

I believe in redemption. Otherwise, what we'd be saying is you are not entitled to any relationship ever again! I believe you can be the good man you want to be.

I wish you all the very best in your journey.

HomityBabbityPie Sun 14-May-17 13:28:25

Otherwise, what we'd be saying is you are not entitled to any relationship ever again

No one is "entitled" to a relationship.

Notmyrealname85 Sun 14-May-17 13:28:54

Please be kind and let her move on - focus on being the very best dad you can be! And use the time to really work on yourself

Your relationship with her may be much better as just friends and parents.

Don't let any more of her or your child's life be "will he turn this around?". It didn't work out with you as a partner so damn well work hard to show you can be a good parent - 90% of that is on being consistent

Hard work but you've already made plans for some changes. Don't give up on those, keep on keeping on. It takes stamina but focus on that

Don't forget - your boy will grow up and it goes so so quickly. When he's an adult and needs you still, make sure he has a good thing to say about his dad. It's a lifelong relationship and still in early stages

eddie86c Sun 14-May-17 13:29:01

I am leaving her alone unless it is to do with our son, I like the thought that in the future we will at least be friends anything more than that is just a dream. The improvement im making are for me and my son. At this moment in time I am not ready to be in a relationship with anyone not untill I have fixed what is wrong with me. I would like her forgiveness' but also understand if that never comes

Styturnip Sun 14-May-17 13:29:18

We were together for 3 nd half year and I started turning into a dick over the last 6 months

Is this a reverse op?

Anyhow, all anyone can advise is to keep going. 2 months needs to turn into 2 years, into 20 etc.

rwalker Sun 14-May-17 13:30:06

every one deserves a second chance .well done for trying to get back on the right path you know what the problems are ,and trying to address them but the 2nd chance can only work after you have sorted your problems . be a good dad give here space . but if you do get a 2nd chance it needs to be in at least 12 months ,hopefully you will be some way to sorting your self out good luck

gamerchick Sun 14-May-17 13:30:27

Well, you're saying all the right things. I'm a little creeped out though as I have heard those things from men many a time only for them to go on and abuse their partners even worse once they get their feet back under the table

Yeah that's the word... Creepy. My ex used to say all this shit as well. I do believe they believe it at the time as well hmm

Leave her alone OP, concentrate on being a good dad and stay out of relationships until you've dealt with your issues.

Gallavich Sun 14-May-17 13:32:45

every one deserves a second chance

No, they don't.

HomityBabbityPie Sun 14-May-17 13:33:31

every one deserves a second chance

They absolutely do not.

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