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Why do I feel guilty about having sex as a parent?

(9 Posts)
Bigblug Sun 14-May-17 12:43:17

I don't know what's happening to me!
Me and dp have been together 9 years, two kids together. As every couple does we go through stages of not having much sex. But during these stages the meer thought fills me with dread and guilt and I feel like crying. I feel like, as a parent, I shouldn't be doing such gross things. I feel icky the next day, like I'm tainting my kids knowing what I did the night before. It's so weird as I've always had quite a healthy attitude towards it, being a bit of a get around in my younger days, very experimental. But now I have this mental block. It takes a little while to get out of it but these stages are starting to last longer and longer. We've had sex once in the past two months, and I absolutely hated it. 4 months ago we were doing it 3-4 times a week! What is going on?

Iloveanimals Sun 14-May-17 14:28:58

Aww I'm sorry to hear that. Is it because the children are older and you are scared they will hear you?

5gen Sun 14-May-17 14:33:44

When did this start for you OP? Was it gradual or all of a sudden?
Did you have any traumatic accidental walk ins on your own parents as a child?

niangua Sun 14-May-17 17:14:48

Consider counselling.

It's really not right you've ended up with a mindset that sex is "gross" or enjoying yourself is "gross."

Not wanting sex because of tiredness, or not fancying your partner because he's developed halitosis, or you feel pain, or you have a low libido that can be investigated both physically and mentally - all fairly sensible reasons, all can be explored in their own good time.

That you think sex is 'gross' and 'icky' and 'guilty' seems to suggest underlying things that have made you see it this way - past trauma or whatever.

CBT. NHS has a long waiting list for a paltry 6 sessions so consider going private.

Bigblug Sun 14-May-17 18:53:42

It's been fairly gradual. It started when I developed pnd with my eldest. We haven't really had a proper consistent sex life for 6 years. But it's gotten so bad that I almost have panic attacks if my dp so much as looks at me in a certain way. It took a while for me to feel comfortable having sex with her in the house, but she has walked in on us before and it all started again. I can't relax, worrying that it'll happen again.

I have had a few traumatic things happen to me sexually but nothing bad enough to warrant all this. I used to be so open, I don't recognise myself any more.

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sun 14-May-17 18:55:59

Do you do much as an individual /couple or just dm stuff?...
Sounds like taking some time to remember you aren't just a dm is needed!!

Bigblug Sun 14-May-17 19:02:06

We try to.
We try to go for a date night at least once a month. We try to spend evenings together watching movies or chatting. I don't do alot for myself but I do meet friends for coffee or go for the occasional night out. But I have so much mum guilt it's literally crippling me in every area of my life. I've spent so much mental energy trying not to be my mum (she wasn't a bad mum, but went through a terrible stage where she acted out like the rebellious teenager she was never allowed to be) and I'm so desperately unhappy. I'm so tired of feeling this way. I want to get drunk and not worry about the hangover the next day. I want to not mud up my mind with figuring out how many hours I need to work to actually have a little 'me' money on payday. I want to travel and I want to enjoy sex but I just can't.

mrholmes Sun 14-May-17 19:09:35

I say this in the nicest way. Seek help. Sounds like something deeper is going on and working this out on your own might not get you anywhere.

Iloveanimals Sun 14-May-17 21:04:53

Also put a lock on the door. That way no one can come in x

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