Advanced search

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide, which can point you to expert advice and support.

When IS the right time to move in together?

(102 Posts)
MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 14-May-17 12:37:14

So many threads on here jump on LPs for introducing new partners to their children etc too soon, so when, according to the MN jury is the correct time to do this?

MyGastIsFlabbered Sun 14-May-17 12:38:08

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 15-May-17 18:42:40

Bumping in desperate hope someone replies

pinkpixie83 Mon 15-May-17 18:44:07

It depends on so many factors surely. I don't see how there can be a one rule for all with this type of thing.

isseywithcats Mon 15-May-17 18:47:00

each couple are different my partner and i moved in together 13 months after we met and though my children are grown up they met him fairly early in the relationship mainly by accident as my daughter had taken her children to the same museum that we were visiting that day, it depends on how young children are and how sure you each feel about it being the right thing to do , but the consensus seems to be 6-12 months for intro to children if young by then you should know wether its going to work long term or not

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 15-May-17 18:47:25

I agree Pink but on any thread about a LP and new partner it inevitably gets derailed by the mob baying "you moved this person in after x could you" so I wondered if there was a minimum timescale that people thought was appropriate

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 15-May-17 18:50:30

I introduced my boyfriend to my children after about a month, mainly because getting on with my children is an absolute must and I thought it would be easier to split up after a month if they didn't get on, rather than after 6 months. I also know my children and knew they'd be ok if it didn't work out and they didn't see him again.

We've been together 5 months now and really think we have a future together. I'm aware it's all happening fast but it just feels right.

pinkpixie83 Mon 15-May-17 18:51:59

My issue is a personal one as my ex seems to introduce the kids to any and every girlfriend he has. Him and his current girlfriend are planning on moving in together less than a year together but as the previous but once girlfriend was introduced to the children around 6 months, then 3 months later I'm told she's pregnant but they are splitting up I am naturally concerned because of the upheaval to my children and the fact that I'm the one that has to deal with all the negativity around it not him.

ocelot7 Mon 15-May-17 18:52:12

Met my partners mid+late teens about 3 months in partly because his previous gf had not been interested at all & he thought it important to see if we wouldn't get on. I was initially just someone who came to dinner so they wouldn't have been bothered if they hadn't seen me again!

Maybe good to make the initial intro not something heavy like in the park. Although you need to be sure of someone before introducing them to small kids, you also need to know if they are likely to get along before getting in too deep.

Presstheresetbutton Mon 15-May-17 18:52:50

6 mths before introductions to kids. Even then just a casual thing.

Moving in and blending families, 18 mths plus.

"It just feels right" means nothing. It will still feel right in a years time

AyeAmarok Mon 15-May-17 18:53:07

Well, I think you're being a bit disingenuous. You know as well as I do that the types of threads where that is said, it is too quick.

If you have DC, moving in a partner after 6 months or less is a terrible idea.

You need to get to know each other very well first. Then, you need to slowly introduce DC to them. Then once a relationship has been built between you all, then think about moving in.

IMO, there is no way of that being done sensibly in less than a year. And depending on circumstances, that may also be too soon.

When you have DC, you need to be more careful and put their best interests before your own wants.

Presstheresetbutton Mon 15-May-17 18:54:40

And the "I want to see if they get on" thing is nonsense trotted out on here all the time.

He's hardly going to start being a wanker to them is he?

And if they turned around after a 30 min meeting and said "we don't like him" would you really split up on the strength of that

MissBax Mon 15-May-17 18:58:05

I moved in with my OH after 4 months but I didn't have kids so didn't have that extra to think about. You know what's right for you OP smile

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 15-May-17 18:58:40

Press I dated one guy for 2 months but it was obvious he was never going to 'like' my children, so we had no future. I think you can tell if someone genuinely likes or children or is putting on an act.

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 15-May-17 19:02:32

And for those saying "it feels right" means nothing...I dated a guy a couple of years ago for 7 months, the idea of living with him never once crossed my mind. (Probably just as well as he dumped me quoting 'it's not you it's me hmm)

Even now I've only introduced my boyfriend as a friend, it's all been very low key.

wannabestressfree Mon 15-May-17 19:09:15

I waited a year to introduce my sons to my partner (due to their varying ages and SEN). It was nice to date and really get to know someone over time. And it does take time. We have been together 7 years and don't live together. We both have children living with us and they are very different and we parent differently.
I wouldn't rush. I have seen it go wrong as a parent (first hand) and a teacher.

ocelot7 Mon 15-May-17 19:09:42

Actually Press many people could quite unconsciously show their lack of child friendliness or different parenting styles could be revealed when you get together... From my experience teens can be hard work however careful you are - it has taken a long time to get beyond just being tolerated...not that I think its particularly personal but it's not always easy.

TheNaze73 Mon 15-May-17 19:12:18

2 years & that was a bit too soon for my liking

MyGastIsFlabbered Mon 15-May-17 19:13:35

And also, having been on the receiving end of a parent picking a partner over me, yes not getting on with my children is 100% a dealbreaker.

jouu Mon 15-May-17 19:15:15

When children are pre school, jmo but I think at least a year of knowing each other/spending time together. I would also run background check. My dp has to have clearance in order to do his job so that was taken care of in my case.

Even then, introduce as a friend and spend no more than a few hours together at a time, for at least another year. Moving in, several more years. It would need to be a natural thing that everyone (incl children) wanted to do.

And I do think it's important that ppl remember, it's not compulsory to live together. For some families/kids, they simply do better without a step-parent figure around. Other kids might do better with such a figure. It's really important to think critically about one's own situation, and move very slowly, in ways where either adult has space to change their mind. Nothing worse than someone moving in and selling all their stuff, selling their house, etc. and then the rs goes sour and they are stuck living in a situation they resent.

Older children, perhaps it's different but small kids are vulnerable and need protecting.

Gallavich Mon 15-May-17 19:15:33

No less than a year. You have to be as sure as you can be.

Justwaitingforaline Mon 15-May-17 19:16:24

DP and I moved in together when we had been a couple for 5 months, when my DD was 18 months. We are now a year and a half down the line and due to get married in September.

It may not work for everyone but it sure as hell worked for us.

JK1773 Mon 15-May-17 19:18:46

I've been with my DP 6 months and not met his DC yet (I don't have any). Like you OP everything feels right but we both feel it's too soon for introducing me to them. We're just enjoying how things are going for now. I don't think we'd consider living together for at least another year if not longer (if things work out). I'd say take your time. Life isn't a race. You don't know each other properly yet.

category12 Mon 15-May-17 19:24:20

I think the first few months with someone, people are very prone to infatuation and mistake that for love - it can turn into it, but it's often the initial heat and it puts your judgement off. It's better to let that settle down into a safe, secure loving attachment, and not put your dc through the highs and lows of the early stages.

So for me, I reckon it's reasonable to introduce the guy as a friend around 6 months or so and have him around, but not staying over regularly or spending massive amounts of time with the family. Then moving in around the 2 yr mark, when the NRE/honeymoon period is well and truly over.

What's wrong with dating and having loads of fun as a couple for a good long time, before settling into domesticity?

Gallavich Mon 15-May-17 19:28:47

Moving a new partner in with a very young child is particularly reckless. Children can develop attachment relationships very easily as babies and toddlers and exposing them to an attachment figure who may not stay around is irresponsible. justwaiting you and your dd have been lucky so far

Join the discussion

Registering is free, easy, and means you can join in the discussion, watch threads, get discounts, win prizes and lots more.

Register now »

Already registered? Log in with: