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Would this bother you?

(31 Posts)
Ffsherewegoagain Sun 14-May-17 11:52:28

Have been dating someone for a few months.

He is still married and refers to his wife.

He has told me he is not living with her but they seem to spend a lot of time together and he has told someone official that he lives at her house.

I have just called him out on this and told him it's over because I think he's either too entangled with her for me to be comfortable or the other option is that he's still married and I'm the ow.

The other side is that he answers his phone any time I ring apart from an odd time when he says it's on charge and he texts all day and all evening.

He says I'm over reacting.

Haven't ever dated in the town he lives in. Haven't been to his main home (he's contracting near me and staying in a company provided b&b). He's been here but not met my kids. Have gone out where I live.

RockyBird Sun 14-May-17 11:53:45


Ffsherewegoagain Sun 14-May-17 11:54:58

I have. This morning. Because of how much he said "my wife" last night. It's been very casual maybe one date a fortnight for the last 2/3 months and I don't want to get any more invested.

mylaststraw Sun 14-May-17 11:55:59

What reason does he give for spending a lot of time with his wife? Unless it's necessary joint dc stuff, yes, it would bother me because you don't know the full extent of their relationship.

Ffsherewegoagain Sun 14-May-17 11:56:40

Just that they are coparenting and its good for their son.

EmeraldIsle100 Sun 14-May-17 11:57:09

Good call!!

AnyFucker Sun 14-May-17 11:58:18

You've done the right thing

Don't continue with this charade for one minute longer

RockyBird Sun 14-May-17 11:59:33

Nice one, OP. No point wasting your time or energy on this person.

Ffsherewegoagain Sun 14-May-17 12:07:14

Thanksfor not roasting me and for reassuring me. I've realised yesterday (4/5 dates and we haven't slept together) that he goes "home" early every Sunday morning even after we have been out on a Saturday so that he can go to church with his wife and son. That was the first I had realised that and he said that some r friends didn't realise they were split up last night.

I drove home and have mulled it over all night. Took the cowards way out and texted him this morning.

Ffsherewegoagain Sun 14-May-17 12:07:59

* some of their friends that should say

Justmadeperfectflapjacks Sun 14-May-17 12:08:15

Block and move on. .

0dfod Sun 14-May-17 12:09:26

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Gallavich Sun 14-May-17 12:10:01

I dare say their relationship is over but they are still hanging on to much of the couple stuff because it's comfortable. I did that with my ex for a long time. Even though we both wanted to be separated we still fell into easy routines and a couple dynamic. I have to say that did also include sex. It would have been really shit of either of us to start a new relationship while we were still in that dynamic.

Cottoncandy22 Sun 14-May-17 12:12:28

I'd say he's strongly hinting they are still entangled if not completely together and is hoping you'll accept being ow.

Call his bluff. Ask to go out in his home town etc. If you can be bothered. Personally I'd bin him before you get in too deep.

Ffsherewegoagain Sun 14-May-17 12:15:01

I've binned him. I can't be bothered with shite.

category12 Sun 14-May-17 12:17:32

You did the right thing.

rizlett Sun 14-May-17 12:21:30

Perfect dating procedure Ffs - good on you for looking out for signs and not getting over invested - keep going though - bound to be someone lovely coming along for you soon.

josuk Sun 14-May-17 12:47:02

Well - it all depends on what you want and if you like him, really.

Marriage and church in short term? Or a partner you enjoy spending time with.

If he is spending Sat nights with you - clearly his W is not assuming he is in a committed relationship with her.
People go through various versions of untangling - and often do that because of kids.

For me - it seems that you are being a little too demanding for a very early relationship - few months - that hasn't seemed to even turn physical.

TheNaze73 Sun 14-May-17 13:01:14

He'll find another placeholder mug soon.

You've done exactly the right thing

Zaphodsotherhead Sun 14-May-17 13:02:18

josuk - his wife might assume he has to work on Saturday and therefore can't come home. Just not seeing him doesn't mean she knows the marriage is over.

Ffsherewegoagain Sun 14-May-17 13:11:50

Why does him going out with me on any night of the week mean that he isn't married or too connected to his wife? Isn't that what married men do? Lie to go out?

HildaOg Sun 14-May-17 15:28:34

He keeps referring to her as his wife because they're still married and she has no idea about this supposed separation because there isn't one. Otherwise he would be referring to her as his ex.

Aquamarine1029 Sun 14-May-17 15:50:42

You absolutely made the right decision. He was playing you for the fool.

Ffsherewegoagain Sun 14-May-17 15:53:46

I asked him many times were they properly separated and he said they were.

But. Whether they were or not (and I may never know the truth) it's enough that he was making me uncomfortable with calling her his wife, isn't it?

josuk Sun 14-May-17 17:37:33

Ffsh...But she is still his wife, until they are divorced!!!!
And their lives are still interconnected.

i don't know him or you, so don't know why you have an issue especially so early in the relationship.
You were still getting to know each other. You don't know yet know 'his story'.
And now you never will.

But - life is too short. There is no reason to force yourself into anything.
If something felt off for you - moving on is the best thing to do.

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