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Does this count as rape? Need some perspective please

(76 Posts)

MNHQ have commented on this thread.

BeauxReves Sun 14-May-17 08:55:16

I've name changed for this. Brand new relationship, you've made it very clear you don't want to have sex yet. Things start getting intimate. He confirms there will be no sex. Without any warning, without shifting his body weight or changing position in any way he suddenly swaps his fingers for his un condomed penis and starts having sex with you. Takes you a second or two to process what's happening because you have agreed no sex. You are horrified and start trying to get away from him and push him off you. He carties on for few seconds then stops. Is that rape? Is there any salvaging this relationship? Don't want to over react. Thank you

BeingATwatItsABingThing Sun 14-May-17 08:57:00

I would say it was yes. You said no sex, he said there would be no sex but suddenly, with no indication that you had changed your mind, there was sex.

I'm so sorry OP flowers

Runningissimple Sun 14-May-17 08:57:40

This is rape and a big red flag. He feels entitled to your body. Get out of the relationship. Fast. This will not improve.

Haudyerwheesht Sun 14-May-17 08:59:00

This happened to me almost exactly. I didn't think it was but I was shaken up.

However, reading your OP it does sound like rape tbh.

MrsDustyBusty Sun 14-May-17 08:59:05

Of course it's rape. Do not ever allow yourself to be alone and vulnerable with this man again. He's potentially very dangerous.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Sun 14-May-17 08:59:59

I would say yes. How could he argue that he had "reasonable belief that you were consenting"?

AliceTown Sun 14-May-17 09:00:23

Definitely rape. Not even ambiguous imo. You clearly said no sex and he penetrated you with his penis.

UserThenLotsOfNumbers Sun 14-May-17 09:01:00

Yes that's rape.

peukpokicuzo Sun 14-May-17 09:01:33

Of course that is rape.
What a git.
Report him.

AttilaTheMeerkat Sun 14-May-17 09:02:32

I think you were raped too.

You may want to talk to Rape Crisis about this also; they will be able to help you

Smeaton Sun 14-May-17 09:04:41

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FaithAgain Sun 14-May-17 09:07:32

It is. I'm so sorry OP. Would you consider reporting him?

WinchestersInATardis Sun 14-May-17 09:09:26

You made it clear you didn't want to. He did it anyway without warning and without a condom. You try to push him off and he carries on (even if it was only seconds)
Yes, that's rape.
No, no salvaging this one. And you are not even close to overreacting.
I'm sorry this has happened to you, OP. flowers

TrishanFlips Sun 14-May-17 09:10:42

He might have thought that in the throes of passion you were prepared to go further. He stopped when you made it clear you didn't want to. I would not say it was rape. You need to talk to him about it and assess whether you can trust him again.

MrsDustyBusty Sun 14-May-17 09:12:38

The time to check whether she had changed her mind was beforehand.

Quartz2208 Sun 14-May-17 09:12:52

Yep its rape (he confirmed there was no consent and it was unprotected and he carried on after you said no for a few seconds).

You can report but at the very least there is no coming back I dont think for the relationship

PacificDogwod Sun 14-May-17 09:14:57

Yes, undoubtably rape, I am so sorry.

You would be very much within your rights to report him - if you want to talk through how you feel about events contact RapeCrisis.

He has shown you who he is - take heed.

Welk Sun 14-May-17 09:15:32

It is rape, OP. The throes of passion do not excuse someone from turning a previous discussion where it was explicitly said that there will be no sex, into one where you can think "she probably meant yes if I get into the throes of passion". There was no consent, it was rape.

MrsDustyBusty Sun 14-May-17 09:16:26

Yeah, but there always has to be an excuse for men's bad behaviour. God forbid they'd be responsible for what they do.

Meeep Sun 14-May-17 09:17:13

TrishanFlips - Absolutely wrong and I'm so upset there is anyone out there who thinks like that.
If he hoped that the OP had changed her mind, and suddenly wanted unprotected sex for their first time, it was his responsibility to ask, otherwise it's rape, that's exactly what rape is.

FaithAgain Sun 14-May-17 09:21:14

I find it hard to believe in the 'throes of passion' he had time to put a condom on but not to gain consent...

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross Sun 14-May-17 09:22:19

I told one of my sixth form students off the other day for claiming that "she likes it really even though she says she doesn't" - something entirely unrelated to sex, but I pointed out what a dangerous mindset that was to have.

I can't believe you are excusing him because he was in "the throes of passion", TrishanFlips. Basically, that gives men a free pass to do what they like in the name of passion hmm

category12 Sun 14-May-17 09:23:03

Yes it's rape.

PacificDogwod Sun 14-May-17 09:23:20

Faith, there was no condom.

'Throws of Passion' is a really outdated way to exculpate the notion of 'ah well, she said no, but did not really mean it' - entitled, misogynistic behaviour and in the eyes of the law no excuse AT ALL.

Welk Sun 14-May-17 09:24:04

I'm sorry this happened to you OP.

To make an understatement, this man has no respect for your rights, your wishes or your body. You deserve better than trying to salvage it as if it's your fault.

Speaking from experience, get away from him. Don't try to discuss it, he will only make excuses. If he's an extra special rapist, he will also try to gaslight you and convince you that it was your fault, and will continue to have no respect for your rights, wishes or body if you continue the relationship.

It's too big a risk to take. There are plenty of non-rapists about, don't give the benefit of the doubt to a rapist, you will very likely be sacrificing your own happiness and sanity.

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